Cross your legs.

Trust me when I say, there are a thousand things going on in my head. I need to write a blog about how I am ACTUALLY losing weight, practical ways to do it. I need to write a blog about the self-discipline changes in my life, I need to write a blog about community and change and distance and fear but the topic that will win today is:

Crossing my legs.

It's crazy how I can't see the difference in my body like other people again. It just proves how skewed our view of ourselves is. I have lost 76 pounds since September. But there are days where I still feel that I look the same. The coolest indicator for me lately, however...is being able to cross my legs.

When I was in middle school I was in church choir. I remember that we had a special performance one year and all the girls were to sit at the front of the stage and our choir director instructed us to wear black skirts, and to sit with our knees together, or to cross one leg over the other so we all looked the same. Performance day came and I crossed my legs like the other girls and after the first set of songs, my mom discretely told me "don't cross your legs anymore, because the congregation can see a little too much."

Embarrassing at the time, but a reality now that my legs, since middle school, haven't been crossable since. And it's really only been in the last few months that the comfortable way for me to sit has been to cross my legs. You probably take that for granted. You also might take for granted the fact that you can sit in any chair with arms without wondering if you can fit in that chair. There is an average-sized world of people that has no anxiety over chairs, booths, seats, rides, and everything in between.

I look at my legs now, and I can't believe how awesome they look. I can't believe I can sit in a chair with arms and see extra room in the seat. Honestly. I don't think I'll ever get over how crazy that is. But I feel like such a bad ass when I cross my legs. I try to do it every chance I get.

I have a lot of years to make up for, after all.

-Liz

WWJDN?

So let me tell you about my day.

Today we took our high-schoolers from the YMCA to the Global Hope India headquarters - a ministry that is about to send 25 people to an unreached people group in India, including my friend Grace. I went about the morning thinking it would just be like any other fun service project we do every week, but then I met Val.

Val doesn't like the spotlight, which is why you can
barely see her in the middle of this photo.

Val is one of the assisted-living residents that shares the building space with Global Hope India. She is in her 60’s. Her hair is wild and loose, accessorized with a pair of old-school headphones. She was wearing crazy-colored tall socks, and is missing all but a few bottom teeth. She has one of the most beautiful and sincere smiles I’ve ever seen.

As we started talking, she really opened up to me about herself and her faith. She told me that she is not in contact with any of her family members, and that she doesn’t have any friends in the building. She told me that she loves spreading the love of Jesus, whether it’s going to the Sports Bar around the corner or volunteering with her church. While I was taking in how much Jesus meant to her, she unexpectedly blew me away.

She asked me if there was a Chick-Fil-A near our YMCA in Cary. Once I told her yes, she told me that God had laid it on her heart to buy our high-schoolers lunch for this week. She was so adamant about making sure that I didn’t tell them she was doing this, because she wanted this to be a gift from God and not from her. It had already seemed like such a nice gesture to begin with, but then I went with her to her room to get her money.

She opened the door, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. The only furniture was a beach chair, sitting on a piece of cardboard. No bed, no table, nothing. Surrounding the room were pictures and crafts she and others had made at church. Now at this point I felt terrible that she wanted to buy a Chick-fil-a gift card for 24 suburban high-schoolers, but she insisted that we go downstairs to buy it.

When we got there, she told the cashier “$250”. My jaw dropped, and I told her that was way too much money. Val responded a little insulted in the most loving way, telling me that I was not allowed to take away from her gift.

When we were getting ready to leave, Val pulled me aside and gave me an envelope with money inside. She said “I want you to give this to Grace, its all the money that was in my piggy bank. I didn’t even count it, but I know that God wants me to put it towards her trip.”

She hugged me goodbye like she meant it, fingers in clutched and her head nuzzled into my shoulder. She said she was so happy that this Divine appointment happened today, and that she was thankful for the opportunity to get to talk to someone. Her one and only prayer request was that God would place a friend in her life so that she wouldn’t feel lonely.

Val was wearing a “WWJD” bracelet inside out. Her explanation? “When you ask, what WOULD Jesus do, you’re leaving him out of your daily life. I know that Jesus is with me all the time, so I ask the question: What Will Jesus Do Next?”

-Dee

...the agony of defeat.

Over the 4th of July week, I went to Mexico to an all-inclusive resort. For some people, moderation relates to the unlimited alcohol you can get there. For me, moderation related to the unlimited food that I got there.

I haven't truly recovered since.

Getting back on track is so hard. SO hard. It's hard for me to come to terms with the scale. It hasn't dipped down to where it used to be. I am tired, I don't want to do the 60 minutes of cardio that I need to do. I don't want to eat well. I want to do...whatever I want.

Pride.

Since the rollercoaster ride was over, I tasted victory that made me feel like I was done with all this. I have gotten too comfortable in this new size so I am not going after losing weight like I need to. I have lost the sense of urgency, forgotten that this is the fight of my life, and ignored it.

Mistake.

Yesterday I pulled myself upstairs to work out. I got on the elliptical and decided to listen to sermons instead of music. I thought of Elevation Church in Charlotte because my friend Cameron goes there. I ended up listening to two random sermons by Steven Furtick.

The first one was about facing your fears (you can find it here). In the middle of it, the pastor said, and I quote (from memory, so it's truly paraphrased):

"Maybe you eat because you're happy, or you're sad. You're celebrating, or your mourning, you're lonely, or you're in community. Overeating is never about a lack of discipline, it's about the presence of fear. Fear is preventing you from living out the life that God has intended for you."

Why was this 30-something, thin pastor guy talking about overeating? Needless to say, I was on the elliptical CRYING. Sweating and crying. I figured it was ok since tears look like my sweat drops anyway. Whatever.

Then the 2nd sermon (you can find it here, try to ignore the cool guy soul patch vibe)...was based on only one verse: 1st Samuel 16:1 which says:

The Lord said to Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? 

So the gist of his sermon is this: How long will you continue to mourn for what God has rejected?

How long will I continue to mourn for what God has rejected? For some of us, it's a bad relationship. For some of us, it's an addiction to anything - a person, a thing, a place, a time of life, a job, you name it.

For me, it's my reliance on food. And Furtick CALLS THAT ONE OUT specifically in his sermon! God spoke to me directly through my stupid iPhone podcast on the stupid elliptical. How long will I continue to mourn for Bojangles, for Ben and Jerry, for Krispy Kreme, for feeling painfully full and using food as my comfort? God has clearly rejected this in my life, I have just chosen to ignore Him.

So I went home and I erased my white board with my "# of pounds to next goal" written on it. I need to reset. I need to start over. I need to live today in victory, and that means letting go of the weight I gained back. I am trying to.

Maybe this is Phase 2. Or maybe it's Phase 32. I don't know. I just know that I have to roll with the punches and not give up. I have to move on, realize the seriousness of the battle, and let go of the past.

How long will YOU continue to mourn over something that God has rejected?

-Liz

The thrill of victory immediately followed by...

The past 48 hours have been...a lot.
On Tuesday, I rode my first rollercoaster since I was 12. Why did I wait so long? Because since I was 12, I was just too big to fit.

Too big to fit. Feels like the story of my life.

But not anymore.

The pictures attached to this post are hilarious. And strange. I would love to say that I rode the Intimidator at Carowinds with the city of Charlotte in the distance, beneath me, feeling the thrill of victory.



I'm so excited! This is gonna be...easy?

 The truth is, I was scared to death. But we arrived at the park, and it was the first ride we did. Go big or go home, right? If you want to know how big the Intimidator is exactly, check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTl7Vdy9j0Q

I wish I could explain how crazy this was for me. And the ride itself wasn't the victory. The victory came when I sat next to my friend Lauren, and my legs fit into the molded plastic seat. My butt fit. The lap band fit easily. So then I started to cry. This has been an unattainable goal for me for the past 20+ years. Not anymore.



Thumbs up (stay calm...), thumbs up (stay calm...)

 So we started going up on the Intimidator. We are drying our eyes (good friends cry with you), and it was a good thing because common sense didn't have time to kick in. We are climbing FOREVER on this thing and close to the top I was wondering how could I get off this thing (remembering, oh yeah, I am scared of heights).

All I remember is my friend clawing my arm and me yelling at her "DON'T EVER LET GO!" I also remember completely coming out of my seat at two points in the ride because the drops were so huge. That's why, in the $10 Carowinds photo I bought (I would've paid a lot more to capture this moment, trust me), I look lost, confused, and maybe a little angry.

When it was over, all of my co-workers were clapping for me. They were genuinely excited to share this moment. As soon as the thrill was over, the nausea set in. So we went to get in line for the next ride, "Nighthawk." We waited about an hour, in which time I popped a Dramamine and tried my best to not sweat so much. This thing is like a superman ride where it lays you down flat and spins you like a corkscrew. Think harnesses and dentists chairs coupled with loops and spins.

Interested?

Apparently, it earned its name for a reason.

So we get to the platform at the front of the line, and I hear something splatter about 20 feet from me. Yes, someone threw up. Needless to say, this shook my confidence before getting on this thing. It was our turn, and I still hadn't recovered from the INTIMIDATOR (all caps means it's for real). So I go to sit in the seat, and I feel the big shoulder straps, and I immediately get right back up, start to shake my finger at it and say "Nope, nope, no..." and head for the exit. Before my friend could say "What's happening?" I was walking down the stairs and heading for the exit.

If anyone asks, this IS the face of victory. Or nausea.

The rest of the day, we rode the wooden roller coasters. These were MUCH more my speed. No upside down, no death drops, just scary enough. The big victory about this day though, is that I now have the CHOICE to ride rollercoasters if I want to. I don't have to make up excuses anymore of why I don't want to. I can if I want to! And if I just happen to get motion sickness from them or they are too much for me, so be it. But I can say yes or no.

THIS my friends, is victory.

And spoiler alert for tomorrow or whenever I can get to it...today I have had to make a reset in my weight journey. For a lot of reasons. I have gained 6 pounds back in the last month, I have lost focus on Jesus, and I have lost the confidence in myself to keep going. I just want to get into it in a separate post because this is already feeling long.

(enter cliffhanger soap opera music here)

-Liz

I'm riding a rollercoaster. And not the metaphorical kind.

Tomorrow, world, is a freaking crazy day. Tomorrow is a day that I never thought I would see. Tomorrow is a dream, a nightmare, a challenge, and a victory.

Tomorrow...I am riding rollercoasters.

Our Y director team is taking a trip to Carowinds for the day, and I have been preparing for it for kind of my whole life. No big deal.

The last time I rode a rollercoaster of any kind was at Hershey Park. I was probably...15 or 16. I remember vividly being in one of those swing things and sitting in them, or should I say, stuffing myself in them. The writing was on the wall. I imagined those chains breaking and launching me in the atmosphere and never being able to get out of that tiny seat again. Needless to say, that was the last ride for me.

So here we go, 20 years later. I would be lying if I said I didn't have any anxiety about this, because I do. Will I fit? Will I get to the front of the long line and be turned away by a smug Carowinds employee? Will the people around me wonder if I'm going to fit, and will they hope that I won't sit anywhere near them?

When I was starting the weight loss stuff, "riding a rollercoaster" was at the top of my list as my far-away, reaching goal. Because as hard as it might be to believe, I never thought I would see the inside of an amusement park again. Tomorrow, that day has arrived.

Big things are happening. No pun intended.

-Liz

What keeps you running?

I remember, very clearly, being a student at Unionville High School and watching people run around the track and having anxiety like you would not believe. That oval has always been foreign to me. In fact, the entire world of athletes and sports and fitness seemed to be my natural enemy.

It's hard to explain what's been happening to me in terms of my relationship with working out. I have two women that I meet with regularly to talk about our weight struggles and victories. When we first started meeting, I didn't believe my friend Pam when she told me that "one day, you won't be dying to eat fast food like you are now." I didn't believe my trainer when she told me that "one day, you will crave working out like you crave junk food now."

I thought they were crazy. I was very wrong.

There is a shift that happens when you choose that you are worth saving. This shift happens when I said to myself "I deserve a life better than this cycle of eating crap secretly and using food to fill the places in my heart that only God can fill." Most of us don't believe we are worth the unconditional love that God is offering to us. So we try to find that love in things that ultimately let us down, leave us more broken than we started, and put us on a path of self-destruction.

That's what food has done for me, and it showed on my physically. How many of us have those things in our lives, but the evidence isn't as obvious?

Yesterday morning I got up and I ran 4 miles. This morning I got up and I ran 4 miles. Running has become my thinking spot. I truly see Jesus Himself running beside me and showing me the path ahead and reflecting on the path behind. We have come so far. We all have. And the allusions to life that I get while I am running are endless. Hills, valleys, weather, speed, distance, all of it.

The one thing that struck me today, though, is this: I am never going back to how I used to be. How could I ever forget the things that God has shown me? It's like seeing with perfect vision for the first time and then choosing to be blind again. Why would anyone do that? Yet, we all do that to God in certain times of our lives.

Challenge for the day: keep running. Stay in the race, knowing that Jesus is with you. He might be taking you somewhere unknown, but it is somewhere better.

-Liz

Big people. Little world.

A few days ago I got back from my little "spring break" trip as I like to call it. I went with three girl friends to the Barcelo Maya Resort outside of Cancun.

I've been trying to write a blog about my trip since I came back, but I don't know where to begin. How can I explain what it feels like to finally be a part of a world that always seemed too small for me?

I tried to find an old photo of me in a bathing suit
to compare to the most recent one above, but I
realized that I didn't have one. I have NEVER
wanted anyone to take my picture in a bathing suit.

If you've never struggled with your weight, this might not apply to you. But imagine living in a world that just seems like it wasn't built for you. Everything is too small. Too tight. Too hot. Too crowded. All in all, just too much. It might make you want to - retreat.

And for my whole life, I did just that. I made a lot of excuses about why I didn't want to do things. I was afraid, I had a fear of flying, I was too tired to swim, I was too scared to snorkel. You name it, I used the excuse.

On our trip to Mexico last week, I found that my body has changed, yes, but my mind is still a SERIOUS work in progress. The thought of us trying new things scared the crap out of me. Even laying on a floatie in the ocean was a mental challenge. Would it hold me? Would I actually float on this tiny piece of air-filled plastic?

And could I really walk around in a bathing suit without wearing shorts and a t-shirt? Would people stare at me? Oh, and they had kayaking there, too. But I could never actually kayak before, I was always over the weight limit. Would the beach chairs hold me? Would the restaurant chairs have arms? How do I know that I'll fit? Will I be...embarrassed?

Never underestimate the power of a friendship.
Accountability is purely life-changing.

You see, these are the things that I have always worried about. When you are overweight, your physical body becomes a barrier to the world around you, and you get used to that. In fact, you make it that way. When you're overweight, you don't have to let anyone in. This big scary "secret struggle" is actually on display for the world to see. But it also allowed me to control everything around me.

So I don't know how to explain my trip to Mexico. I don't know how to convey how different the world is now that I can fit into it. How do I explain what it feels like to walk around in a bathing suit all day without shame? How do I describe the feeling of being just another person at a resort? How do I share with you the victory of taking a trip to a tropical resort without any fear?

Yes, we kayaked. And snorkeled. And I sat in hammocks, and beach chairs, and arm chairs, and airplane seats, and took a lot of pictures of myself in a bathing suit. Without shame. I could easily write a hundred pages about how this felt to me, but for now I can leave it at this: it feels so good to be a part of the world now.

And it fits just fine.

-Liz

My first spring break

Tomorrow I am going to a resort outside of Cancun, Mexico. It is a trip that I have been planning with three of my friends since March. This place is an all-inclusive resort with beaches, pools, spas, shows, restaurants, and all the other stuff.

This is my first spring break.

I have never gone on spring break like most typical people do. Not in high school, not in college. I have taken spring breaks, sure...but I have never done the beach thing. You know why. That would mean...bathing suits. Showing skin. Being self-conscious of my body, knowing I was the biggest one on the beach, jealous of "normal" people, and embarrassed to be the only person swimming with shorts on top of my bathing suit.

There are so many reasons I am excited for this trip tomorrow. I am excited to sit in the airplane seats. I will be able to put the armrests down and wear the seat belt comfortably! Some of you know how much of a victory this is. I will be able to fit in any beach chair, any lounge chair, wear a bathing suit and not be embarrassed.

I have a long way to go with my weight loss. But this trip is a celebration for me that I have come a long way. I need to celebrate this and not forget what God has done. I have never in my life taken a long beach trip with three girls. I have protected myself from this because it was just too embarrassing.

Not anymore, friends. Not anymore.

(side note: if you are the praying type and could remember to pray for me while we're gone, I need it. All-inclusive means...EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. For me, it's like letting an alcoholic be in charge of a bar for 5 days. I need the prayer.)

-Liz

Just do it.

This morning, my friend Dee and I got up early with the intent of running twice around Lake Pine near my house. That's a 2 mile loop, so we planned on doing 4 miles.

I was thinking a lot while we were running. I was thinking a lot about how similar this exercise journey has been to my journey with God. Indulge me in this...

This morning, a friend and I got up and planned to run. We ran. It was hot. It sucked at times. I wanted to quit. I ran at my own pace and Dee ran at her own pace. We started together, and she finished before me and waited until I was done.

We passed a lot of people. We passed walkers, people with friends, people alone, runners, joggers, people that have done this a hundred times before and a few people who, visibly, had never done this before and had to stop their run and walk up the hills.

But they did make it up the hills. They didn't quit.

Here's the thing about running for me...I just have to do it. And I have to remove the blockers that I get into my head that stop me from doing it. Here is my short list of things that are helping me to do it:

1. I have a friend that goes with me, or at least a friend that I report back to.
2. I have a plan.
3. I am patient with myself and know that I am improving.
4. If I miss a week, I remember that it will be harder to get back in the routine.
5. I never forget where I came from so that I will be even more excited to see where I'm going.

Why do I expect my relationship with God to be any different?

I am finding that I run to God when I need Him. I look to God when I am desperate. I want God to solve my problems, but then I want Him to leave me alone. I am impatient with myself. I want to be close to God without the work. I don't want to wait. I want to run a marathon now. I don't want to first learn how to run a mile.

Do you get that? Do you see how we want the marathon spirituality without the one mile preparation? Any running coach would tell you that this is impossible. In fact, if you haven't been training for a distance run and then get out there and try it on a whim, you'd get hurt. You'd be disappointed, defeated, and depressed. Falling short.

Have you felt that way about God? I have. But the reminder to me is that...when I feel far from God, it's not God that's changed position. It's me.

If you are looking for God, don't be discouraged. God was looking for you first. He has a plan for you and wants to run a marathon with you. But the problem is, you have to get out there and run a mile with Him, first. Trust Him in the small things, and watch how He puts the big, exciting things into your life.

Look at that list of five things above. And apply that to your alone time with God. Think of it as a recipe for a relationship with Jesus. 

So get out there. Just do it. Please don't sue me, Nike.

-Liz