I can only go up from here.

Today was a turning point.

My roommate left for the day to do some work stuff, and I fell asleep. My nap was terrible. I don't typically nap because they just leave me groggy and blah for the rest of the day.

This particular nap was, in a word, sucky. I have been sick for about two weeks, and have sort of slipped into a depressive state of mind. My eating has been crappy, no workouts for the past four days, and just feeling terrible. So this nap was a bad idea, I have just been SO TIRED lately.

I had weird dreams. Bad dreams. Not the scary kind in terms of bizarre things you can't control, but scary in the terms of feelings and emotions that put you right back into the past. The dark parts of your past.

So I woke up hungry and thought two words: Dunkin Donuts. My roommate was gone, I was alone and lonely. So what do I think about in those emotional states? Donuts. Maybe you think about something else. Same emotion, different vice.

Donuts.

I'll be honest, I had keys in hand, about to get in my car and head over there. I wish I could say I immediately knew it was a bad idea and I stopped myself, but it took a while. It took a few hours of wrestling with my past to stop me from hitting that drive-thru. That's why I think today was a turning point. I ate lunch here, I got myself together and I got in the car.

But I didn't hit the donut shop. I hit the Y. And then Kroger and got detox foods that I needed. I need to turn this around. Today I had a choice to live in the dark, certain past, or try again in my bright, uncertain future. I hate that this food thing still has such a strong hold on me and I've been in this process for a year. But I can't fool myself either, thinking that this isn't a problem for me anymore and I can get slack about it.

I can only go up from here.

-Liz

Big people, lonely world.

Yesterday was rough for me. Just a ROUGH day. I am trying to figure out what really happened and what put me in my funk, but honestly I think it was just that regular realization I get that this weight struggle will NEVER be over.

Part of me feels bad that my closest friends, even my best friend, can't understand what I am going through. The reality is that, if you don't struggle with being as overweight as I have been in my life, you just don't get it. I'm sorry to say that my thin friends (who still struggle with weight like almost ALL of us) just simply can't understand what I am going through.

It is a lonely world if you are big.

I am not where I used to be, but I am not yet where I want to be. This place is perhaps the loneliest place of all. I realize what I want, and I am working on getting it, but I am lost in the journey. It's a slower process than I had hoped. My workouts are great, but my battle with my eating is greater.

So my big question right now is, how do I keep after this thing without letting it consume my life?

I wish I knew. I wish this blog ended with a big high five and a revelation. But it doesn't. Either way I go, if I get too extreme, it is an obsession. I can't explain how much each and every day of my life right now is spent thinking about my weight and where I have been and where I want to go. I have trouble enjoying where I am right now because I still don't feel successful. What's up with that? And if I let it go and don't concentrate on my weight loss, I will gain back what I worked so hard to lose. What's the answer?

Why am I harder on myself than I am on other people? Why am I so unforgiving of myself when I am so quick to forgive others?

I ordered a women's jacket from Columbia last night, size XL. I tried it on and it didn't fit. Meanwhile, my best friend tried on her size small jacket and it fit perfectly. Defeating, defeating, defeating. And not her fault at all. Just another reminder of my size.

It's probably not fair for me to shut people out that don't know what the weight loss struggle feels like. But I don't know any other way. They might be able to see the pain and try to love me through it, but it just doesn't help me. The annoying thing is, I don't know what WILL help me since I feel like I am in this alone.

When I figure that out, I'll let you know.

-Liz

I guess it's working?

Got this email from a new friend last night. I guess the blog is helping to connect us. That's the goal, right?

SO…at the risk of sounding like someone with no life on a Friday night…I just, through tears and laughter, read your entire blog – from the start of your weight loss journey to now. Wow. I identified with so many things you shared – your vulnerability and authenticity are refreshing. I’m not sure I could be so bold. I feel like I have so much to process. Mostly to process with the Lord, I suppose… I am feeling really empowered and really motivated. I know that I have been doing this half-heartedly and it is time that I really dive into this with everything I have – and I am encouraged by your story and have HOPE that I can do this too!! Thank you for being real…through the ups and the downs!! You are a blessing.

AND on a much less emotional and significant note…Madonna’s Immaculate Collection CD is one of my ALL TIME FAVS and I’m also a big fan of Michael Jackson – so I laughed out loud at your reference to his “You are Not Alone” – might need to listen to both of those in the next few days!

See you at the Y next week!!

That's awesome. 

-Liz

Why discipline is a dirty word

Yesterday morning, I was on the treadmill flipping through channels trying to occupy my brain while I ran. I flipped across a normally annoying Christian evangelism channel, but this time, I caught a glimpse of Beth Moore who I think is pretty awesome. Mostly because she's honest about her past and the fact that it's not something to be proud of.

The verse she was speaking on was Hebrews 12:11.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Is it crazy that this lady was speaking to me about the importance of discipline while I was on the treadmill yet again, battling this weight thing that has limited me almost all of my life?

Yeah. But God is crazy like that.

So here's my thought on this: it sucks to get up early to go running. It really does. My bed is warm, it's dark and I am tired. It is not pleasant at the time, it is painful.

You know what else is painful? Not eating Christmas Tree Cakes like everyone else is. Not stopping at Bojangles on the way home. Not having ice cream at the end of every day. Running miles at a time, going up and down flights of stairs, getting on the bike, lifting weights, doing burpees, watching the scale go up and down and up and down. 

The battle is, in a word, painful.

It was especially painful a year ago, when I started all this and had no idea where it would take me.

Later on, however, it produced a harvest of righteousness and peace for me. I had been trained by it.

Does God care about my weight? More than I am willing to admit. I'll put it this way for you: God cares about everything that affects you and your happiness and your heart and your soul. Nothing is stupid to Him if it's important to you. Because YOU are important to HIM. And that means, everything that is wrapped up in the confusing world of what makes you...you.

Why is discipline a dirty word? Why do we avoid it when God promises that it will produce a harvest of righteousness and peace for us? I think for me, for my whole life, my response to God, when it came to my weight was "God, you can have my whole life, but this thing, THIS, I need to keep for myself. You can't have it."

My battle against discipline started years and years ago when I wanted to hold on to this one thing that has kept me sick for so long. Now I am slowly but surely reversing a life without discipline and, honestly, a life of keeping God and everyone else around me at a distance.

Don't keep stuff to yourself. I know from experience. Let people in to whatever is keeping you locked away. Peace is the thing that we are all looking for. We just can't grab it sometimes because we refuse to let go of that other thing.

Let it go.

-Liz

Fear of Flying

Had a little reflection time this morning. I got back from my Thanksgiving trip to PA a few days ago. My head is spinning, still, about how different things have become.

For years, I have braved the highways and driven to PA. It's a long drive, but with any kind of holiday traffic, it's brutal. But I have never wanted to fly as an option because flying has always been...embarrassing. Is that the right word to use?

I have traveled a lot for my old job, and sometimes you just have to fly to get to certain places. But it's never been something I have wanted to do. In fact, if I am being honest, the discomfort and embarrassment of flying has kept me from adventure in a lot of ways.

This morning, I was remembering some hard memories about flying. One time, at the Chicago airport, one of the Southwest employees who was checking me in sort of looked me up and down and said "hey, just so you know, they might ask you to purchase an additional seat if the armrest doesn't come down all the way." I know that he was trying to be helpful and give me a heads up, but I was just SO embarrassed.

I had become one of those people that no one wants to sit next to on a plane. I remember being in the terminal, and wondering if people were looking at me and hoping they wouldn't have to sit next to me. I remember hoping that the seat belt would fit me.

I flew on a little puddle jumper plane once and those seats are TINY. I stuffed myself into the seat somehow,  but the seat belt just wasn't even close to coming around me. I tried to hide it from the stewardess but she knew. And without a word, she just came over and gave me this seatbelt extension thing, which is really like a double long seatbelt.

Embarrassing. More than embarrassing...humiliating. Like, the kind where you are fighting back hot tears from rolling down your face. Oof.

When I fly now, 85 pounds lighter, I can sit anywhere. I still find myself in these old habits I'm used to. I automatically put the armrest up, and I automatically take the seatbelt all the way out, and I automatically go into the window seat and never make eye contact because I don't want anyone to sit next to me.

But when I fly now, the armrest goes down. The tray table goes down and doesn't rest on my gut. The seatbelt has to be taken in, and people sit next to me. I can cross my legs, I can see the seat beneath me, and I am still so amazed. I still can't believe it. I still cry as soon as I buckle the seatbelt because I think about the girl that used to need a seatbelt extension. She was so embarrassed.

But now, she is so victorious. And you might sit next to her sooner than you think!

-Liz

The insecurity blanket statement.

Happy Thanksgiving! We survived.

I had a whirlwind weekend, but something in particular happened that, afterwards, I immediately thought "I have to write about this, because I never want to forget that it happened."

I got together with an old friend during the holidays and to be completely candid (because, that's all I know how to be) I was VERY nervous about meeting up with her. You see this particular friendship had caused me a lot of joy, but it also caused me a lot of pain. Tell me if you can relate to this story:

You are in a hard place in life. A wonderful friend comes into your life and encourages you, loves you, and supports you in ways that no one else does at the time. But it doesn't last. Womp womp. And so for longer than you are willing to admit, you struggle. You might chase that friend, you might unfriend that person from Facebook, you might pretend you don't care. You might do a number of ridiculous things.

All in the name of insecurity.

For fear of completely embarrassing myself, I may or may not have done some of those things with this friend. But I know now that this friend was never the problem. Sure, I was hurt by her, and sure I was left with questions about what went wrong but what was the real problem?

Insecurity. Duh. And quit acting like you don't know what I mean.

The past year has taught me more than I can say. I am a different person today than I was on November 24th of last year. And I am not even CLOSE to being done. When you get a hold of that thing that holds you back the most, it allows you to move mountains. My mountains were formed from deep insecurity. Now, as the scale is moving, the mountains are moving. And this is nothing short of miraculous. I have a weight issue, but I have a bigger heart issue.

So I hadn't seen this friend in years. And the last time we saw each other was really painful for me. Was  it dumb for me to agree to see her? What if we had nothing to talk about? What if that old insecurity came back and I took an emotional trip right back to the dark place that I used to be in?

All of those big questions aren't as scary as this one: What if I just don't put myself out there?

I had a friend tell me once "I don't trust people. They just hurt you." Well, that's an option I guess. But that also means you are robbing people of the chance to truly know you and be known by people that WANT to know you. Is that any way to live?

Ok, so I met my friend. And before you know it, the conversation was honest, full of forgiveness, and sweeter than I can explain. I lost interest in the past because I simply knew that both of us had grown in huge ways and were discovering that our own insecurities were the reasons we acted tough or distant or apathetic or absent.

What it made me realize is this: the very insecurity that might keep me from a great friendship is the very same insecurity that might keep someone else away from me. It just comes out in different ways for different people. And the more I chased this friend and tried to force a friendship in the past, the more it just didn't happen. And that was by design. My insecurity makes me rush, makes me think things that aren't true, makes me put unrealistic expectations on my friends. My insecurity ultimately leaves me alone.

But the irony of all of this - and this is what I learned from my friend - this same insecurity leaves all of us alone. Separated and afraid to admit what's really happening. Is it possible that someone else battles insecurity just as much as I do?

So, over a meal, we compared notes and we found similarities that are still freaking me out. I had no idea, and I will forever be grateful for how open and honest that conversation was. It was truly one of the only times that I know of that I felt like guards were down, hearts were open, and the past was forgiven.

I have no idea where this particular friendship will go, but I do know that there was a reason that it took us four years to get together. And it was worth the wait.

That was my thanksgiving. How was yours?

-Liz

Defense Mechanisms

Last week I was in the stairwell, running a set of stairs with my trainer. She likes to ask me deep philosophical questions right when I am in the midst of cardio meltdown. Needless to say, I rarely answer but just tell her "DENTIST!" which is our code word for "I clearly can't talk right now, I can barely breathe and you did this to me so cut it out."

But this time, I really had to answer.

I've managed to keep progressing through some setbacks. I hurt my neck and back pretty badly a few weeks ago, and the steroids I was on made me want to eat everything in sight. Add that to not being able to work out at the level I am used to, and it was an emotional setback in a big way. Once you start to eat whatever you want, it's hard to stop. It opens a floodgate and I could see into a dark future of gaining 80+ pounds back right before my eyes. So, it took some soul searching and major self-discipline to turn that around.

So there we were in the stairwell and my trainer said something like "Ok, so you are recovering well and have made it past some serious obstacles that would sideline a lot of other people. Everyone is commenting on how great you look, but I know that will start to slow down as you are staying in this new size. Where are you in your head now that you are at this point in the process?"

Loaded question. LOADED question. Because what my trainer probably doesn't know, is that I think about this all the time. And I mean ALL the time.

So I had a prepared answer.

It's funny you should ask, I told her, in between my gasps for air. I have been thinking about this a lot.

I remember, word for word, what I told her, and here it is:

"Before I started this whole weight loss thing, I was a people pleaser. And losing weight has allowed me to move from being an unsuccessful people pleaser to a God pleaser. I no longer judge my self-worth on other people's opinions of me."

The greatest thing about all this? I meant it.

And that conversation has got me thinking about defense mechanisms. The things that we all do to keep other people away. For some of us, it's weight. See, my weight was a physical barrier for me to keep the world out. For others of us, it's how we dress, or sarcasm, or how we misuse affection, or a number of other ways that we keep people at a distance.

Fear of being hurt makes us do crazy things. Stupid things. But guess who gets hurt the most in the process? When I don't let people in, this also means that I can't get out. There I was, living a pretty isolated life. Alone in my bubble, with food as my reliable companion.

Now I know that food isn't a friend to me at all. What is that thing, for you, that is keeping people out and keeping you locked in? Would you be willing to step out with me into a scary world of freedom?

Don't you think it's time? See, the door can be opened by someone else. But you have to be willing to walk out.

-Liz

Celebrate good times...WITH FOOD!

(it's a celebration...)

There's a party going on right here, a celebration, to last through out the year.

Ok I'm done.

Let's play a little word association game. I think it will teach you a lot about me, and maybe a little about you.

• Let's go to the movies! (Oh, we're getting milk duds, popcorn, and a big DIET coke.)
• I'm bored! (let's order a pizza.)
• I have a cold and just feel sick. (let's make monkey bread.)
• We just got paid! (where we going to eat?)

I could go on and on and on, but that would hurt your feelings.

I think I broke the cycle of my bad eating yesterday. I remember it was like, 10pm, and I was on the couch thinking "I could really go for a bowl of Lucky Charms." Ok, not a TERRIBLE decision, but not a great option either. Instead, I thought "I am not really hungry, I'm just...watching tv."

I didn't eat the Lucky Charms. Instead of exercising my hand to mouth, I decided to exercise my brain. How would I feel tomorrow morning if I ate a big bowl of sugary cereal late at night?

I went to bed hungry. But I was suppposed to. Today I woke up and felt great about the previous night. Food hangovers are just as real as the alcohol kind! What that tells me is that my body rejects too much food just like it rejects too much alcohol. At the time, it feels great. The next morning it feels terrible.

So, I am learning how to celebrate in other ways. Yes, food will always be a part of our lives, especially with holidays and family time, etc. And there is no reason why we can't celebrate with them. But I am seeing how my celebrating can go too far. When we are learning about patience, it just takes a while!

And truly, we are going to be in this journey together for a LONG while. And lately...this makes me smile. That's how I know we're getting somewhere good.

-Liz

Guilty.

I work at a place that encourages health and wellness. This has been a great motivator for me. We even have initiatives to get healthier foods in our meetings, gatherings, and break times.

We are now, however, in the midst of a campaign to raise money for kids in our community that need the Y but can't afford the Y. So almost every night, we have these call nights where volunteers come in to call members and raise money with us. And almost every night, I am here helping out. Therefore, almost every night, I overeat. You should SEE the food that we have here during this campaign.

I thought I had a handle on the food temptation. I thought wrong. Last night we had Danny's BBQ here and I LOVE Danny's BBQ. Their potato salad is amazing, their coleslaw is on point, and their shredded pork is perfect. So I ate a really full plate of it. Ok, I ate two really full plates of it.

But that's not all! I also had some of this chocolate buttery toffee saltine bark that someone made. I had to physically remove myself from the room (several times) to stop picking at it.

Ten minutes after the feeding frenzy, I was painfully full. We're talking "too much turkey on thanksgiving" painfully full.

Why do I do this?

Today I am struggling with the guilt of last night. I guess it was a bender to an alcoholic. A one-night-stand to a sex addict. It's what "Under the Bridge" was written about.

Guilty as charged.

So today I got up and I worked out. Hard. Like the kind of working out that has now put me into an all-I-want-to-do-is-sleep state of mind. But I need to try harder to break this cycle. I am well aware that I am inspiring others, and that is amazing. It is also pressure like I have never felt before. So as I see myself taking missteps, I have to stop this backsliding and get back into the game. I'm not sure that I have both feet in like I used to. Is there some place deep in me that's not fully committed?

Guilty.

-Liz

A new kind of life.

Ok, so about three weeks ago, I really hurt my neck. And after some good meds and good doctors, etc. I am back on the grid. And I am SO EXCITED.

I ran yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and it felt so good, that mid-run, I was clapping and fist pumping while listening to Macklemore (buy the Heist, it's AWESOME). It just felt great to be able to run again.

I can't tell you the last time I said "It just feels great to eat beyond feeling full again."

You know when you are eating GREAT food, and you just can't stop? Think Thanksgiving, but just on like a Wednesday night. You're not celebrating a holiday with friends, you're just watching Cosby Show reruns and trying to eat a whole pizza so there aren't any leftovers.

It never feels good.

I guess what I am learning these days is that, while the scale isn't moving as much as I would like it to be, my heart is moving faster than I can keep up with. For example: we went to this Food Truck Rodeo in Durham (BULL CITY!) last weekend and it was so much fun. SO MUCH FUN. To try different foods and not feel guilty is still sort of a new experience. I ate a lot of crazy foods (think chicken and waffles, shrimp po' boy, barbeque, dumplings, etc.) but I didn't eat a crazy amount of these foods.

Enjoying food without letting it consume me. Imagine that.

So the new phase for me is patience, enjoying friends and family and even FOOD. Food will always, I repeat, ALWAYS be a struggle for me. But it doesn't have to consume my life to the point where I am resigned to Luna Bars and kale shakes (been there, done that). At the other end of the spectrum, I can't allow myself to go back to that place in my head where food equals love, acceptance, socializing, celebration, etc. etc.

Here come the holidays. But the good news is, God has already prepared that time and place for us. All we have to do is trust that He won't let us be tempted beyond what we can bear.

I think that's in the bible.

-Liz

Here we go!



Locopops.



Hushpuppies are better when shared.

Fair hair.

Life on Pause.

About a week and a half ago, I was in class, and we were about to go down and do some burpees. No problem. I've done them a thousand times. But on this day, problem.

I immediately felt a sharp pinch between my shoulder blades and my upper back and neck sort of seized up and I couldn't do anything. For the following week, I stretched, I kept doing cardio, taking Aleve, and I kept hurting. Things kept getting worse and I started to have numbing sensations and weakness down my arm. Time to see a doctor.

I went to a back specialist that I have seen before. The cool thing was, I saw the same doctor that I saw 5 years earlier when I had thrown out my lower back. It was amazing to share my journey with her and how I had hurt my back. 5 years ago, I hurt my back just getting out of bed too fast. This time, I hurt my back doing burpees.

Progress?

Anyways, after x-rays and some pt appointments, I don't know anything else other than I have tweaked my neck. I didn't really care what my doctor was saying when she was explaining things to me. I was just waiting to ask the only question that matters:

"When can I work out?"

She explained my limitations and offered me some possibilities. The recumbent bike! Walking!

Lame.

And apparently, my face was saying what my mouth wasn't. She said "As I am telling you what to do, I can tell that you aren't going to pay attention to me, and you need to."

Ok doctor, you win.

But really, I do see that God was putting me on pause for a few weeks. He is using this frustrating situation to slow me down. I am slow, indeed. Yesterday I broke down. I cried at work, I cried in the car, I cried at home. I was inconsolable. All I wanted to do was get back into the workout plan.

See I am afraid that, if anything changes in my daily life, I will gain weight. And that scares the CRAP out of me.

Last week in my prayer time with God, I prayed "God, please show me how to live." And in a clear voice, He responded to me.

"I already have, but you don't want to do it My way."

That's true.

So God is using this time that I am on pause to remind me how to live. To have patience. To find joy in the struggle, and to lear my perspective. I have no idea if I am going to gain weight through this injury and restoration. But I do know that this weight loss thing is not temporary, and I need to embrace that truth always. Always.

I suggest hitting the pause button every now and then. You'll be surprised by what you can hear when you find a way to quiet the world around you. For me, I was able to hear God more clearly than ever.

What about you?

-Liz

Freaking donuts.

Before you ask...yes, I have permission to share this story.

So, I work at the Y, and one of my co-workers, Patrick, has an office that he shares with our personal trainers. In this office, is a scale. So in this office, there are a lot of frustrated tears, but there is also the occassional celebration.

But as Patrick says, those celebrations are few and far between.

The other day, we were asking Patrick about what it's like to share the office with all these clients that are weighing in with their personal trainers. He accounts the story like this:

People usually tell me it's ok, that I can stay in there while they weigh in. I don't want to stay in there! I've made that mistake enough. These people come in there and the trainers ask how their week was, and the people complain that it was a hard week for whatever reason, and that they couldn't stick to their eating plan, so they get on the scale and they just moan and groan at whatever the number is. Why are these people surprised when they don't lose weight? I mean, quit eating those donuts!

Oh, Patrick.

Needless to say, Patrick is tall and thin. He has been working out like a pro. He's pursuing a healthy lifestyle like so many of us. Where Patrick and I are very different, however, is that he doesn't seem to struggle with the donut issue like I do.

Freaking donuts.

"Quit eating those donuts." Why can't it be this easy?

Because for me, it isn't just a simple donut. It's comfort. It's nostalgia. It's my friend. It never changes. Old reliable.

Some people say food is fuel. I say, food is friendship. But that is changing.

I am not yet at the point where I don't miss my old friends. This past weekend, I hung out with my old friends and it was AWESOME. For about thirty seconds. And then it was terrible. But it opened my eyes. What am I doing? Why am I trading my health, happiness, and community for donuts?

Secret eating. Shameful eating. The thoughts that enter your head:
I've had a long day. I deserve this. I just want to relax. I need a break from everyone.

Lies.

Quit eating those donuts. Maybe one day, that will seem easy. Maybe not. But definitely, I will reclaim my true worth, and I will start over every single day, knowing that those freaking donuts do NOT determine my worth.

-Liz

I'd rather be a drug addict.

Sometimes.

Wait, don't freak out. Don't get offended. Or, you can get offended, just hear me out.

I was in the stairwell today, on #4 of my 50 sets of stairs. My brain has been spinning lately with how SERIOUS my food addiction is. When I'm in a beige on beige stairwell and have nothing but time, my brain works overtime.

I think about the past. I think about where I'm at. Mostly, I beat myself up about regrets. I've been thinking about something a lot lately that I finally am able to articulate.

I'd rather be a drug addict.

Yes, an offensive statement. But here's the thing: if I was a drug addict, it would be clear that I needed to stop using drugs. My community would rally around me. I could avoid drugs, get treatment, work the program, and stay clean and sober.

Not true for us food addicts.

I can't stop using food. My community doesn't rally around me. Some do. Some just don't get it. I can't avoid food, I am making up the treatment as I go, I am working my own program, and sometimes I am clean and sober.

For food addiction, there aren't clear answers really. Should I never eat processed foods? Is any food ok as long as it's in small portions? And what about holidays? Birthdays? Nights out? Celebrations?

You rarely see groups of people celebrate someone's birth by gathering around a big batch of crystal meth. Yet, I am in the presence of birthday cakes and blooming onions and high fructose corn syrup more than I care to admit. All in the name of celebration.

Drug addicts can avoid their normal spots. Alcoholics can avoid the bar. How am I supposed to avoid - the world? Especially where I live, I can think of any food imaginable and drive less than 5 miles to get it. This process is tougher than I ever thought it would be.

Drug addiction is serious. It ruins families. Kills people. Breaks relationships. Causes heartbreak, isolation, despair, and loneliness.

Newsflash, my friends... so does food addiction. I think I am one of many that can attest to that. So take it seriously. We are in the battle for our very lives. Amen?

-Liz

Growing Pains

"So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers,  to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." - Ephesians 4

I've been off the radar for a few weeks. I had a few life changes happen. New job, trip to see a friend during her dad's funeral, family drama, (insert your excuse for letting things slide here.)

I've been working out, but I have also been eating kind of whatever I want. Nothing crazy. Just Mexican food here, pizza there, meals that I really should stay away from. I lost sight of the goal. I have gotten comfortable with my 82 pound weight loss. And to be honest, I lost my mojo. I lost the fire.

I got tossed back and forth by the waves. Not even big tidal waves. Little waves that most people can't even surf off of. Stupid little ripples. A dinner party here...a sore back there...a long day deserving of ice cream, whatever it was...it wasn't worth it.

What are the waves that are tossing you around? Why are you letting them? Why are WE letting them? I guess my real question is...when will I grow up?

Can we all make a decision to stop letting our circumstances rule our emotions? Or, as Reverend Run once said: "Don't let your happenings determine your happiness." I want peace. Don't you? And I don't think that peace should come ONLY WHEN EVERYTHING ELSE LINES UP AS IT SHOULD. Just like I don't think God deserves only my leftovers: my leftover time, my leftover money, my leftover thoughts.

I'm experiencing growing pains this week. I have a feeling that I'm not the only one.

-Liz

When did I stop sharing?

MINE! MINE! MINE!

At my workplace, I get to hear adults speak into the hearts of little kids all the time. A big lesson that they always instill is the value of sharing. Sharing toys, sharing snack, sharing space, in the hopes that one day, these kids would learn to share their lives.

So here we are now, as adults, living in a world where we don't share. Seriously, when was the last time you shared for the specific purpose of knowing that we were supposed to do that?

"Share with God's people in need. Practice hospitality." -Romans 12:13

Last night my roommate came back from a rather long trip. She is my accountability partner, she is my favorite friend, she is the person that challenges me the most, so her presence in my daily life was missed, especially in terms of my eating habits.

This morning, her car broke down. And that always throws your schedule into a tailspin. I had a heart issue of not wanting to let her use my car. I didn't want to share. Yes, just like that kid with a new toy that rebelliously declares it MINE MINE MINE!!!!

So I reluctantly decided I need to let her use my car to get to her job in Durham and I said this sentence and immediately wished I could take it back: "You can borrow my car, but I swear to GOD if something happens to it..."

Conditional sharing. Perhaps the worst kind. You share, but with limits and constraints that never REALLY come from a heart of giving.

So Dee took my car today, and I had time to sit at Brueggers for a while and think about what God was trying to show me. It was actually...incredible. Here are a few truths that I figured out about myself, maybe you can relate:

1. That Ford Explorer is not mine. It's God's.
2. I am not allowed to put conditions on my sharing. If I do, it's not coming from the right place, so it just doesn't count.
3. When I share my things, it's awesome. When I share my struggles, it's revolutionary.

Here's the thing about #3...it is good to share. It is, in fact, a revolution to share your struggles. Someone posted on Facebook this morning: "No one is afraid to say I love you. What they are really afraid of is the response."

If I admit I am struggling, what will you say? If I admit that I am screwed up, how will you respond? If I share my pain, will you share yours?

The short answer, which I have found out by keeping this blog, is YES.

Sometimes.

But the sometimes are the times that matter.

-Liz

Sweet little lies

When I started this blog specific to my weight loss journey, it was meant for the sole purpose of holding me accountable to keep at it. I knew that, if I made it known to everyone that I was doing this, that it would be much harder for me to quit.

What it's turned into, is a place for me to be reminded that I am not alone. A lot of us feel the same way, whether or not we've ever admitted it. Today I am struggling with something that I know is universal. It doesn't matter if you're battling weight loss, or if it's something else. Whatever it is, this concept, for me, is all the same:

What happens when you start believing lies?

Over the past few weeks, here are a few lies that I have believed. See, believing in these lies temporarily, even for a moment, creates a setback for me, because it only takes a second for me to fall off the wagon and do something stupid.

Have you ever believed one (or all) of these lies?

1. You can't do it. You'll probably never get to where you want to be, and you've gone pretty far, so give yourself a break.
2. Nobody really knows how you feel.
3. You've talked about this enough with people, they are sick of hearing about it.
4. You deserve this. You need a break. You'll start tomorrow.
5. It's not that big of a deal.
6. _______ doesn't struggle with this, so why should you?

On and on and on, right? I heard a woman in church say something awesome that immediately made me tear up because, she was reading my mind:
"As soon as God asks you to do something, Satan will work overtime to stop you from doing it."

Let me be clear. I believe there is light in this world, and if I believe that, then I have to believe that there is dark in this world. If I believe there is a God, I have to believe there is an enemy. And the enemy doesn't want you to succeed. If you succeed, you will be powerful. You will be closer to God and then darkness loses.

We know that Jesus Christ conquered death. So He has already conquered these lies for us. Yet, we still believe them.

Why do we believe them?

I am learning that it is easier to believe the lies. It is easier to settle. It is easier to do whatever we want. It is easier to believe that we are not worth it, that we were not made for more. It is easier to believe that we, at best, are...

Average.

It is hard for me to say no to cupcakes. It is hard for me to go to meetings where there is a bowl of M&Ms on our table and not eat them (this happened last week, and yes, I ate them). It is hard for me to watch tv at home and not want to snack for hours. It is hard for me to get up in the morning and put on my running shoes and work out. It is hard for me to say no to certain social situations where everyone else can eat whatever they want and not have it directly affect their heart and soul like it does for me.

But it is better.

You and I are not average. We are called to a greater purpose. But there is something that is in the way. Something that prevents us from fully becoming the person the God has made us to be. And when we start to face that thing, that's when we believe the lies and the battle gets serious. It gets serious, because it is truly a BATTLE for your heart and soul. When we lessen the seriousness of the struggle, we lessen our own value and self-worth and before you know it, here we are. Living a paltry version of the abundant life we were created for.

Haven't we been believing lies about ourselves for too long? What would happen if we started believing the truth?

You were made for more than this.

-Liz

When the sun goes down, so does my willpower.

I got a great FB message from a friend today who struggles with...wait for it...snacking late at night. WHO DOES THAT?

Is everyone raising their hand right now? Cause I am.

Ok, here is her email:

"SO..weird thing is, when you facebooked me back..I didn't respond bc i was falling off the wagon...when i wrote you first i was doing SO well! lost 23 lbs and tHEN....ive gained 10 back. How do you continue to stay motivated?? Thats what im missing! food plays such a big part in my life, when im happy, sad, lonely, entertianment or just plain hungry!....ive noticed just recently i can go all day eating so healthy! and then night comes and i eat EVERYTHING in sight...literally thousands of calories and i cant break that habit! so everything i do during the day gets cancelled out by night time. I love following your blog bc i feel that you understand what im going through. Let me know if you have any tips at all..greatly appreciated! :)"

Can you relate?

So last night, I got home home around 6:30 and ate dinner. Then, the night time is here. Shoot. The tv comes on, and so does my desire for snacking. I had been eating great all day! Was I about to blow it by eating whatever I want while watching RHONJ? (Team Manzo all the way.)

Here's the thing: mindless eating is just that...MINDLESS. We are stuffing things into our mouths without even looking at what's going in there. No portions, no rules, and sometimes, no chewing. Just that general shoveling motion. I have some tips that have worked for me in the past, so take or leave whatever might work for you:

1. Don't eat straight out of the bag. Those calories are adding up, and they will end up on your love handles. Trust me. Portion out whatever you want, and take a small bowl to the couch, NOT the whole bag.
2. Cookie time? Try Luna Fiber bars, or Clif Kidz bars. Both are only about 120 calories and taste like Nutrigrain bars or can be great cookie substitutes. Clif Kidz bars have awesome flavors (Oatmeal and Honey Graham are the bomb). If you love brownies, get the Fiber One peanut butter brownies. Oh. My. Gosh.
3. Skinny Cow Ice Cream. If you just HAVE to have ice cream. These are right around 100 calories and come in a ton of varieties. Basically, you just have to find substitutes that work for you.
4. If you have $250 to spare, I highly recommend getting a Vitamix blender. The Ninja blender is another option (about $100) that people use and like. Both of these will blend leafy greens down to a pulp and you can hide your vegetables in fruit smoothies. For instance, last night I did two bananas, almond milk, ice, spinach, and Hershey's syrup and it's the closest thing I can get to a milkshake without impeding all my progress.
5. Sometimes you're not really hungry, but thirsty. For some weird reason, ice cold water will get me through that initial craving part of the night where I am DYING for something to eat. Your body might just want something to drink and fill you up. Try that one, it might work!
6. Find something else to occupy your hands. Try smoking! Sike. Try video games, or a puzzle, or going for a walk or reading. Watching tv, for me, always means snacking, so I had to change up that routine. I think my hands just got used to automatically feeding my mouth. Sort of like a trained dog. But we are not dogs. Food is not our reward.
7. The kitchen is closed. At around 8pm, I need to declare OUT LOUD that the kitchen is closed. No more snacks, no more nothing. I can have water, and fruits and veggies, but nothing else. Give yourself about 4 hours before bed to declare that you are done eating for the night.
8. Think about how you will feel in 5 minutes. The cravings I get, as soon as I satisfy them, are gone imeediately. And then they are replaced by guilt and regret. How many times have you said "Why did I just eat that?" How many times do you want to say "I'm so proud that I didn't eat that."
9. Do the math. According to this article, One single tortilla chip topped with 7-layer dip would take 9.5 minutes of stair climbing to burn off. There is more scary statistics in the link, but it opens my eyes to why the heck I am eating like I eat.
10. Be a smart grocery store shopper. It sounds crazy, but don't go alone if you can't handle it. Don't push by the ice cream section if it's too much. And don't ever go to the grocery store hungry. This spells disaster for even the strongest person.

Hope this helps. And thank you to my friend for asking a practical food question. This is good for all of us, because we are NOT alone.

Amen!
-Liz

Jesus in the grocery store

I am roommate-less for the next few weeks while my little sidekick Baby Dee is on vacation. Roommate-less sounds like it would be so great. Freedom! Freedom! Turns out I got too much...FREEDOM!

The reason I know this is because I went to the grocery store by myself on Sunday afternoon. First mistake. And I also went hungry. Second mistake. So I got all the fruits and vegetables I needed. Picked up some other fresh foods on the perimeter. Then, I ventured inland to the danger zone.

And there I was. Alone with the Entenmann's raspberry danish twist. Before I knew it, it was in my hands. I was reading the nutrition facts, praying to God that they had found some way to infuse the deliciousness with fiber and low fat goodness.



Quit your smiling, tough guy.



This is where it got weird. I looked up and saw a man walking towards me in the dairy section. His cart was filled with big foods. Big foods, to me, are like - whole turkeys. And cheeses. And bacon and sugary cereals and sweets and pastas. Big foods. And he was a big man. Probably 400+ pounds.

Then I heard God say "Liz, you are not going back to that. I won't let you."

So I dropped the raspberry danish twist. Then I pushed around my cart of kale and carrots and almond milk and 40 calorie bread. And then I pushed it in a circle and looked at the Entenmann's one more time. And then there was that man, one more time.

And then there was God saying "Just walk away. You are not going back to that."

So that was that. Grocery stores are my retail therapy, because food has always been my therapy. What a terrible therapist. Yesterday I survived. I hope today I make good choices, too.

The small things matter. If you forget that, remember this story. Because Jesus met me in the grocery store, so there is NO LIMIT to where He'll meet you.

-Liz

Be your own best friend.

I have been noticing how hard I've been on myself lately. Watching the scale #s, counting calories, watching the time tick away on the treadmill. Very methodical, very scientific, and very...unforgiving.

See, if I had a friend like me, and I saw someone picking on them, putting them down, and being unforgiving towards them, I would immediately stand in the gap and fight for them. Don't treat my friend like that! Why are you being so hard on them? This is my best friend and I won't let you treat her that way!

So why do I do this to...myself?

I'm changing it up. For me, and for the world of us that are too stinking hard on ourselves. I will not, however, give up this fight. I am just choosing to remember that the fight is not against myself.

-Liz

When stupid sayings come true.

"The journey is the destination."

What a stupid saying. At least, that's what I've always thought. I hate admitting when I'm wrong.

A few days ago I fell off the wagon pretty hard. I had some alone time, so I decided to get Cookout. Cheeseburger, onion rings, and a milkshake. I was bracing myself for that terrible feeling of guilt and gluttony afterwards. But it never came. You know what did come? Satisfaction. So that began two days of eating whatever I wanted, not counting calories, and chasing that overfull feeling. At the end of day two, I was actually done with it. It was like I went to visit an old boyfriend, had a fling, and then remembered why I broke it off with him.

Pretty soon, I will hit the one year mark of when I really started doing this weight loss thing. Lately I have found myself in that desert though...where I am not where I was, but I'm not where I want to be. I'm not at my destination. Will I ever get there?

But what if...I'm already there?

And so brings me to my true confession...yes, it's true. The journey is the destination. If I keep living like I am waiting for this to be over, like I am waiting to finally get there, I will always be disappointed and in a rush. I will never live up to my own expectations, and I will be heartbroken.

So I am going to embrace that cheesy saying and admit that it's true. I never believed other people when they said that to me, but they were right. It just took me a while to get there myself. I need to quit being a snob.

Now, let's all get off the internet and journey outside for a run. Keep fighting for yourself!

-Liz

Cheers to the Unknown

Before I even graduated from college, I had a plan of what I wanted my post-college life to look like. I was dead-set on moving to Jamaica to do missionary work for a while. My family and friends from home know that I am a person who loves to be on the move, going from one thing to the next (I promise I really do miss you all). I guess you could say that I have a hard time sitting still. I avoided any plan of getting a “real world” job right after college, and it was no mistake that I never stepped foot in a career fair at Penn State.

While I was so sure that Jamaica was going to work out like I planned, I find myself now living in NC for an indefinite amount of time. This not only takes away from my control to plan out my life and my future, but it also forces me to wait on the Lord’s plans to happen in His timing. I have learned to accept and appreciate two important things from this:

1. “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.” - John Lennon

If I truly believe that Jesus is my Savior and my reason for living, I need to start not only letting Him into my life, but letting Him lead it. While we believe we know what’s best for us, there is a God who has already planned out our lives and knows where and how to specifically utilize our gifts and our passions. He knows where you are supposed to be, when you are supposed to be there. While we spend so much time planning out our own lives in such crazy detail, we are missing all the blessings He is placing in front of us on this very day.

2. “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” - Neale Donald Walsch

Pastor JD from The Summit once said that how we respond to our disappointments reveals whether or not our plans were God-focused or from selfish ambition. Through that kind of lens, I see now that I’ve been completely leaving God out of my decision-making process and relying on my own desires and strength. For those who are struggling with plans that are failing or falling behind society’s twisted timeline of when things are supposed to happen, I say embrace this season of confusion and the unknown. The reality is that God’s timeline and our personal timelines will never match up how we’d like them to, but they will always turn out to be way more beautiful than we could ever imagine for ourselves when we trust God with our futures.

When the door closed to intern in Jamaica, I was devastated. God kept making it clear to me that it wasn’t supposed to happen, but I refused to listen and kept pursuing the idea of it. My friend explained to me that when you try to open a door that is supposed to stay closed, you could really get hurt trying to pry it back open. I guess you could say she is pretty wise, and that she was right.

So here I am, getting ready for my big girl job in Durham, NC. It wasn’t my plan, but I know that God orchestrated this for a reason. I have no idea what’s next for me, but I know that there is beauty to be found. Today is your chance to find yours!

-Dee

The glass slipper of motorcycle jackets

November 2011

I don't have the energy to write a well thought out post today. But I didn't want to pass over a cool moment I had this weekend.

I really want to get a motorcycle soon, against my better judgment. The serious downside to riding a motorcycle is that I can, well, die...but that doesn't hold a candle to how AWESOME I would look pulling up to work on a motorcycle. Like everything in my life, being a bad ass is priority one, so we'll see what wins out.

Last weekend, my friends Pam and Barb rode with me to try on motorcycle jackets at Cycle Gear. The jacket that I have now is a men's jacket and is like 3 sizes too big. I only wore it once back in October when we took our riding class, and now it just sits in my closet.

The big win for me was that I tried on a women's jacket. And it fit. And it wasn't even the biggest size that they had. Last fall, when we all went there, I couldn't find a jacket in the whole store that could fit me...men's, women's, whatever. Nothing. Now I was in the women's section.

Imagine that. A woman shopping for women's clothes. Even if they happen to be women's motorcycle jackets.

-Liz

Do you know that this is the fight of your life?

I have watched the scale go down this week. Then up. Conversely, I have watched my emotions go up, then down. More than that, I am slowly seeing the reality of the fight that I am in.

And today I am wondering if maybe some of us don't realize the fight that we're in?

When I started all this, it was about losing weight, but I had a feeling that it was about a lot more than that. So just like peeling back an onion, I didn't realize all the layers, all the depth, and all the tears that would come.

Today I feel like everyone around me is feeling this way. That this is MUCH bigger than we all thought it was. I actually just got done working out with my friend Lauren. Neither of us wanted to work out. Both of us were yawning on the treadmills. 2 pm workouts are not smart, but today it was our only option. We were bored. We powered through. And then we talked about the situations we are both in. We lost weight. We gained some back. We overate. We are trying to get back on track. We struggle, we struggle, we struggle.

For what?

Do you know how I know that this is the fight of my life? Because food has had control of me for WAY too long. My weight has held me back from LIFE. And if weight isn't your issue, maybe something else is. Maybe something else is trying to fill the place in your heart that only God can fill. What is it? The way you can figure it out is to ask yourself one important question: "What do you run to when you need comfort?"

All week, I have had friends say things to me like this:

• I wish this was over.
• I don't feel good about myself, so I don't want to go.
• I had a family crisis, and I immediately ran to food.
• I found myself eating ice cream in bed at 10 pm last night, because of stress.
• I have been eating crap all week, and I feel like crap.

This is the fight of your LIFE. Make no mistake. And don't play it off like it's not a big deal. Don't go out to girls night and eat what they eat because you are "celebrating." Don't buy ice cream at the grocery store and bring it home because it's "not a big deal." Don't skip your workouts this week because you just "need a break."

You know what we need a break from? Living in bodies that we feel uncomfortable in. Beating ourselves up. Letting our weight consume our emotions. Working SO HARD to lose weight, only to let ourselves gain it all back and feel even worse.

THIS, my friends, is what we need a break from. So whatever your next step is, watch where you put your feet. And make sure they aren't in the frozen foods section.

-Liz

Cross your legs.

Trust me when I say, there are a thousand things going on in my head. I need to write a blog about how I am ACTUALLY losing weight, practical ways to do it. I need to write a blog about the self-discipline changes in my life, I need to write a blog about community and change and distance and fear but the topic that will win today is:

Crossing my legs.

It's crazy how I can't see the difference in my body like other people again. It just proves how skewed our view of ourselves is. I have lost 76 pounds since September. But there are days where I still feel that I look the same. The coolest indicator for me lately, however...is being able to cross my legs.

When I was in middle school I was in church choir. I remember that we had a special performance one year and all the girls were to sit at the front of the stage and our choir director instructed us to wear black skirts, and to sit with our knees together, or to cross one leg over the other so we all looked the same. Performance day came and I crossed my legs like the other girls and after the first set of songs, my mom discretely told me "don't cross your legs anymore, because the congregation can see a little too much."

Embarrassing at the time, but a reality now that my legs, since middle school, haven't been crossable since. And it's really only been in the last few months that the comfortable way for me to sit has been to cross my legs. You probably take that for granted. You also might take for granted the fact that you can sit in any chair with arms without wondering if you can fit in that chair. There is an average-sized world of people that has no anxiety over chairs, booths, seats, rides, and everything in between.

I look at my legs now, and I can't believe how awesome they look. I can't believe I can sit in a chair with arms and see extra room in the seat. Honestly. I don't think I'll ever get over how crazy that is. But I feel like such a bad ass when I cross my legs. I try to do it every chance I get.

I have a lot of years to make up for, after all.

-Liz

WWJDN?

So let me tell you about my day.

Today we took our high-schoolers from the YMCA to the Global Hope India headquarters - a ministry that is about to send 25 people to an unreached people group in India, including my friend Grace. I went about the morning thinking it would just be like any other fun service project we do every week, but then I met Val.

Val doesn't like the spotlight, which is why you can
barely see her in the middle of this photo.

Val is one of the assisted-living residents that shares the building space with Global Hope India. She is in her 60’s. Her hair is wild and loose, accessorized with a pair of old-school headphones. She was wearing crazy-colored tall socks, and is missing all but a few bottom teeth. She has one of the most beautiful and sincere smiles I’ve ever seen.

As we started talking, she really opened up to me about herself and her faith. She told me that she is not in contact with any of her family members, and that she doesn’t have any friends in the building. She told me that she loves spreading the love of Jesus, whether it’s going to the Sports Bar around the corner or volunteering with her church. While I was taking in how much Jesus meant to her, she unexpectedly blew me away.

She asked me if there was a Chick-Fil-A near our YMCA in Cary. Once I told her yes, she told me that God had laid it on her heart to buy our high-schoolers lunch for this week. She was so adamant about making sure that I didn’t tell them she was doing this, because she wanted this to be a gift from God and not from her. It had already seemed like such a nice gesture to begin with, but then I went with her to her room to get her money.

She opened the door, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. The only furniture was a beach chair, sitting on a piece of cardboard. No bed, no table, nothing. Surrounding the room were pictures and crafts she and others had made at church. Now at this point I felt terrible that she wanted to buy a Chick-fil-a gift card for 24 suburban high-schoolers, but she insisted that we go downstairs to buy it.

When we got there, she told the cashier “$250”. My jaw dropped, and I told her that was way too much money. Val responded a little insulted in the most loving way, telling me that I was not allowed to take away from her gift.

When we were getting ready to leave, Val pulled me aside and gave me an envelope with money inside. She said “I want you to give this to Grace, its all the money that was in my piggy bank. I didn’t even count it, but I know that God wants me to put it towards her trip.”

She hugged me goodbye like she meant it, fingers in clutched and her head nuzzled into my shoulder. She said she was so happy that this Divine appointment happened today, and that she was thankful for the opportunity to get to talk to someone. Her one and only prayer request was that God would place a friend in her life so that she wouldn’t feel lonely.

Val was wearing a “WWJD” bracelet inside out. Her explanation? “When you ask, what WOULD Jesus do, you’re leaving him out of your daily life. I know that Jesus is with me all the time, so I ask the question: What Will Jesus Do Next?”

-Dee

...the agony of defeat.

Over the 4th of July week, I went to Mexico to an all-inclusive resort. For some people, moderation relates to the unlimited alcohol you can get there. For me, moderation related to the unlimited food that I got there.

I haven't truly recovered since.

Getting back on track is so hard. SO hard. It's hard for me to come to terms with the scale. It hasn't dipped down to where it used to be. I am tired, I don't want to do the 60 minutes of cardio that I need to do. I don't want to eat well. I want to do...whatever I want.

Pride.

Since the rollercoaster ride was over, I tasted victory that made me feel like I was done with all this. I have gotten too comfortable in this new size so I am not going after losing weight like I need to. I have lost the sense of urgency, forgotten that this is the fight of my life, and ignored it.

Mistake.

Yesterday I pulled myself upstairs to work out. I got on the elliptical and decided to listen to sermons instead of music. I thought of Elevation Church in Charlotte because my friend Cameron goes there. I ended up listening to two random sermons by Steven Furtick.

The first one was about facing your fears (you can find it here). In the middle of it, the pastor said, and I quote (from memory, so it's truly paraphrased):

"Maybe you eat because you're happy, or you're sad. You're celebrating, or your mourning, you're lonely, or you're in community. Overeating is never about a lack of discipline, it's about the presence of fear. Fear is preventing you from living out the life that God has intended for you."

Why was this 30-something, thin pastor guy talking about overeating? Needless to say, I was on the elliptical CRYING. Sweating and crying. I figured it was ok since tears look like my sweat drops anyway. Whatever.

Then the 2nd sermon (you can find it here, try to ignore the cool guy soul patch vibe)...was based on only one verse: 1st Samuel 16:1 which says:

The Lord said to Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? 

So the gist of his sermon is this: How long will you continue to mourn for what God has rejected?

How long will I continue to mourn for what God has rejected? For some of us, it's a bad relationship. For some of us, it's an addiction to anything - a person, a thing, a place, a time of life, a job, you name it.

For me, it's my reliance on food. And Furtick CALLS THAT ONE OUT specifically in his sermon! God spoke to me directly through my stupid iPhone podcast on the stupid elliptical. How long will I continue to mourn for Bojangles, for Ben and Jerry, for Krispy Kreme, for feeling painfully full and using food as my comfort? God has clearly rejected this in my life, I have just chosen to ignore Him.

So I went home and I erased my white board with my "# of pounds to next goal" written on it. I need to reset. I need to start over. I need to live today in victory, and that means letting go of the weight I gained back. I am trying to.

Maybe this is Phase 2. Or maybe it's Phase 32. I don't know. I just know that I have to roll with the punches and not give up. I have to move on, realize the seriousness of the battle, and let go of the past.

How long will YOU continue to mourn over something that God has rejected?

-Liz