Did I make a mistake?

(subtitle: No, I didn't make a mistake...but it doesn't stop the doubt!)

Smiling like a happy idiot!

Duodenal switch surgery was on Wednesday at 10 am. I clawed my way out of the hospital by Thursday night. I could tell the nurses and doctor wanted me to stay another night but I wasn't having it. Here's a picture of me right before going into surgery. Here are some of the pictures you don't get to see because, as we know, no one posts their darkest moments on social media!

You get no pictures of the nausea, the various tubes and needles and lines all over me, the countless check-ins and blood draws and extra hospital goodies. You, sadly, don't get a video of the lady down the hall from me screaming bloody murder while they try to put a tube in her arm. And I wish I had a picture of the sad parade of newly operated patients walking around the halls, in our socks and open gowns, pushing our IV bags, to prevent blood clots. We looked like a bunch of hunch-backed zombies afraid of eye contact.

I had great care. I have amazing friends that stayed with me overnight. I had a terrible tv, though, and I need to talk to Rex about that one. But I was ready to go home and get past surgery. For the first 48 hours I really wondered if I had made a mistake. Why did I put myself through this? If I was stronger, I should be able to lose weight and keep it off on my own. Why did I go through such a drastic surgery?

See, I don't know what being a thin person feels like. I don't know what the other side of this will be. All I know is the pain right now and the soreness and the nausea and the inability to eat or drink much of anything. But I have to trust what's next. It took me a lifetime to get to this weight, it won't come off overnight. And my brain won't understand this overnight either. When we have settled so long for something or someone, it's hard to believe we deserve better.

I know I deserve better. And I know this past year has been a deliberate season of taking my health back. This is the beginning, and I am grateful for the time, for once, to focus on my health. And to write a yelp review about Rex Hospital's tiny tv's...