Where's my treat?

Man oh man, one of those weeks.

I'm inside my head quite a bit these days. My weight is a topic of a lot of conversations. On some days, this makes me prouder than I can even say. On other days, I am so self-loathing that I don't want to hear any encouragement at all, because I simply think I am not losing weight fast enough. Don't worry, I know that I am my own worst critic. And knowing, as GI Joe taught me, is half the battle.

I've been thinking a lot about food. You too?

Packaged food is so beautiful to me. Processed food looks so shiny and new. Bright colors. Expensive logos. Fancy marketing campaigns. When I run out of bananas and spinach (these two items rule my household) I have to run to the grocery store. I had to make that run today.

Oh, the grocery store. What some women love about the mall, I love about grocery stores. Food is my fashion, my addiction, my shopping heaven. So that's what the grocery store now gives me a whole lot of anxiety. Imagine an alcoholic that has to go to a bar once a week to get what they need. I have to go to this beautiful mecca of candy and donuts and birthday cakes to buy...bananas and spinach.

So lame.

My friend Nat sent me this picture off of Pinterest. I have heard this saying before. I think it's how I got to be so overweight in the first place. Food has always, and I mean ALWAYS, been my reward. I haven't learned how to replace it with something else yet. Contrary to what my trainer tells me, it is not a reward to "go for a nice long walk" instead of eating ice cream at the end of a hard day. It's just not. Don't get me wrong, I am learning to love exercise, and I am learning to hate the feeling of being overstuffed and overprocessed with my food choices, but not to the point of getting past it. I don't know if I'll ever be past it. Alcoholics never STOP being alcoholics. I don't know that my addiction will ever go away. I think I can just work towards controlling it. Not eliminating it.

So here's my grocery store tip. Stay on the perimeter. Don't go down the middle aisles. Those are the aisles filled with the processed poison that we have grown to love. But if you gotta go there, you know - to get soup or condiments or Cherry Coke Zero - do it quick. Don't meander. Because even today. I stopped at the Krispy Kreme display and stared longingly at the 6 pack of jelly donuts.

Food will never just be fuel to me. For whatever reason, this is my struggle. And God is using it to make me stronger. What makes you and I different from dogs? Food is not, and can not, be our reward. We deserve more than a treat for good behavior.

We just do.

-Liz

The camera adds twenty pounds?

Not this time.

Today was a pretty funny day. I am doing this series of meetings with the Town of Cary, and we have different speakers, go to different locations, and get more "cultured." Lord knows I could use it.

But today's meeting was the coolest. It started off with a gauntlet. This part wasn't cool. This part was, yet again, a table filled with my old friends. Donuts, bagels, and muffins. Cut in half, but let's be honest...when was the last time a normal person ate only half a donut? Please.

I survived the gauntlet. So far, so good. Then, lunch at a Cuban restaurant in downtown Durham. I chose the least appetizing of the options: salad and a grilled chicken breast. Everyone else had tasty sandwiches, chips and salsa, black beans and rice covered with cheese. But I got the salad bar. Didn't even get ranch dressing. In fact, the people at the table even commented "oh, the YMCA girl gets a salad!" It was one of those "I'm joking but sort of judging you at the same time because you are probably looking at my deep fried monte cristo sandwich and feeling sorry for me" comments.

Still, it felt good to be the healthy one at the table. Wow, this is new.

The best part of the day, though, is that we toured a local tv station. And we got to act like a 3rd grade class and take our picture in front of the green screen and at the news anchor desk. These days, I am the first in line to take pictures. Put me front and center! I can't believe how I look. Truly. I can't. This has been a process, and I know it will last a lifetime, but this new body and face is...strange. I get excited to have my picture taken, because sometimes I don't think it's me. I lost two of my chins. Now I'm down to one. I see a waistline, I see my eyes, I see...someone else.

Back to you, Angela.

But the great thing that these pictures prove, is that I haven't lost my sense of humor. That will always, ALWAYS, be large and in charge.

Oh, thank God.

-Liz