Nothing but grateful.

I was fortunate enough to go to our area's Young Life banquet last night. I saw SO MANY old friends. People I used to lead with, people I went to college with, women that have shaped my faith and walked with me through pain over the years, and kids that I know now who are experiencing Young Life for the first time like I did when I was in high school.

I was reminded how God uses other people to change our lives. And I was reminded to be grateful for that.

My whole life, God has been trying to talk to me through other people. In high school, a woman named Carol took an interest in me, asked me to come to Young Life, and that decision she made to show up at Unionville High School changed my life. And because of her faith, I have grown and God has used me to change the lives of others.

My recent back injury has been another great example of this. I had no idea of the support system I had until I was down and out. Just this morning I was able to wake up and go work out without my two hour time window to stretch and ice my back. I was so grateful to be able to walk, to feel my leg and back getting stronger, to be able to lift, to cycle, all of it.

But I am just as grateful for the people that care about me. So many people were asking about me, last night and this morning. I can't get over that. And it was a swift reminder of the things I complain about and am not grateful for.

See, tough people like me do NOT want to have to rely on others. But for the past few months, I have had to call on friends like never before. That's what happens when your toilet explodes or when you can't drive yourself home from a doctor's appointment.

I stole this picture from my friend Pam's facebook. Hopefully she's ok with it. Do I live my life being grateful? Not really. I complain about my wireless not being fast enough. My grocery store clerk for taking too long. My paycheck not having enough zeros.

Today I am going to practice the art of gratefulness. I'm going to suck at it, but I am going to keep trying. And to those of you that have encouraged me with your words, notes, texts, emails, and all points in between...you have turned this tough girl into a complete softie.

And I am grateful.

-Liz

When God showed up.

Is it me that shows up, or is it God in me that shows up?

I would be remiss to not document the epic nature of this day. Remember, Thursday (two days ago) was round two of my steroid shots. And on Thursday (two days ago) I could barely stand. And here it is, Saturday. And this is what happened today:

I spent the morning with God. Like every morning in the past two weeks. This, in itself, has been an epic and essential part of my life. It's a joke that I try to maintain a relationship with God when I don't give Him any of my time. Anyone else in my life would have moved on by now. Some have. And who could blame them?

As I was writing in my journal this morning about my physical struggle, God put it in my heart to toss all my junk food out. All of it. So I did. Anything questionable in my house that was impeding my progress was purged. That was amazing.

God showed up.

Mid-morning I went down to NC State to have lunch with the Wizard. Now if you don't know her, you are really missing out. All the while, my leg feels stronger, my back felt loser, and my heart felt fuller. Yeah, fuller.

Do I dare try a workout? I did dare. And I was so...nervous. I have felt defeated, watching myself gain weight back and not be able to control it. Watching my progress turn to regress is heartbreaking. I got on the bike and started pedaling.

And then, God showed up again. In the form of my friend Nancy who works out at the Y frequently, walks with a cane, and never fails to smack my perspective back in line. I said a simple hello to Nancy, but what I really wanted to say is: "you INSPIRE me. Every single day that I see you, and I don't tell you that enough."

So I biked. And I did an upper body workout, and I have never, ever felt so grateful for my hands. And my feet. And the ability to walk. And strength. And progress and struggle and all points in between. Because amidst the peaks and valleys, no matter where I am, God shows up.

I know SO many of you prayed for my healing. I cannot thank you enough. I am overwhelmed with gratitude, and humbled by your love for me. Because of you, God showed up.

It's time for me to start showing up for God a little more.

-Liz

Dear Diary. Daily.

Every day. Every single day.

Yesterday was round 2 of steroid injections. And I was all "Hey, this will be no big deal! Last time it was actually kind of fun!"

I am so naive.

This time, Dr. Bhat got me. And he got me good. Was he mad at me? Bad morning at the golf course? Obamacare got him down? Whatever it was, he took it out on me, and my bare butt (yeah he's seen my beautiful booty twice now and has yet to buy me a meal) on that x-ray table.

Someone asked me what it felt like. You know that sensation when you might accidentally chew tin foil and it hits a filling? (note: who "accidentally chews tin foil'? Me. But it happened more when I was a kid. So I am not sure what my parents were feeding me?

Or what about the feeling when you get a paper cut? But not an ordinary paper cut. This paper cut is from the lip of a manilla envelope and it's in the webbing of your hand or something.

Or if your knee cap momentarily slips out of its home and you were like "what the heck just happened to my body?"

So yeah, add those three things together and multiply them by 5 or so...it's a math problem. A painful one.

But I also said to the doctor and nurse "This hurts WAY more than last time! So that means it's going to work!" I didn't get the resounding high fives I was looking for. I think they were just appeasing me. But I am excited nonetheless.

I am up this morning, and I feel less numbness in my leg. Great sign. I can put more weight on my left leg. Great sign. I have more hope than ever. Great sign.

I do feel like God has said to me "Why has it taken this debilitating injury to get some time with you?" He's right. So I have been practicing that art of surrender and purposefully writing in my journal every morning, THANKING Him for this. Not for causing this (because He didn't...deadlifts did) but for using the pain for good. Beauty out of brokenness. And at the end of each entry I tell him that I love him and I ask for one thing: "God, please heal my body."

Because I know God can. And God will. Stay tuned...

-Liz

White flag.

This woman has wisdom. AND a
motorcycle license.
Perfect combination.

Another early morning where instead of doing what I would choose to do if I was able (work out), I have to do what was chosen for me. Ice my back. Make coffee. Take medication. Sit with God. This is the 2 hour window that I need to prep for my day so I can actually be a walking, functioning member of society.

Tomorrow I have round two of my spine injections. I am putting a lot of hope in tomorrow. What God is asking me this morning: "Why can't you put THAT much hope in Me, today?" I still don't trust God fully. That is disappointing.

The temptation here is to hurry up the healing. But isn't that our way? "As soon as this is over, everything will be great." "If only I was past this, I could get back on track." "If I just didn't have to deal with this, I would be more thankful."

I am learning how to wave the white flag here. I have to surrender. I can fight this all I want, and cry every day about it (which happens each morning, like clock work), or I can surrender. I preach surrender to other people every day. But now it's time for me to man up and do it myself.

I am a fixer. I want to fix things and immediately move on. I equate this problem with that stupid show "Extreme Home Makeover." (sorry if you like it, but it is really emotional propoganda.) They set out to do great things. They rebuild a home in a week. I always wanted them to go back to that house a year later to see how it's fallen apart because of the carelessness of rushing through a renovation.

I want to be renovated by God from the foundation up. And I can only imagine how much time that takes. Because I am tough. And God knows that. He also knows how long this will take so that the change will actually stick.

So it's white flag time. For me. And maybe for something in your life too?

-Liz

You. Are. Awesome.

Tonight I was honored to speak at the Cary Y Leaders Club inductions ceremony. How do I motivate a group of leaders and also keep the interests of their parents? I was open about the fact that, for most of my life, I have struggled with how to let God decide my self-worth, and not other people. That my mistakes don't define me and that God created me to be uniquely me.

In other words, why do I try so hard to fit in when I was born to stand out?

Tonight I am grateful. In the midst of body pain and hopelessness, I was encouraged and loved by so many families that know me, and so many that became new friends tonight. I have an amazing job that allows me a platform to speak of the love of Jesus Christ.


So here's to encouragement. Here's to those of you following God's plan right where you are: to love Him and love others. 

I am humbled. Thank you, Cary Leaders Club for teaching me something great tonight. And remember: You. Are. Awesome.

-Liz

People plungers.

Friday night I had my friends Hannah and Austin over for dinner and a little backyard bonfire. We have all had crazy weeks, it was great to sit around and do nothing. Our conversation even brought up the question: What is the grossest thing you've ever had to work with or clean up or touch? (This question is important to the story, and is about to have a new answer.)

They left at around 10:30 and I came back into the house to the sound of rushing water. I peaked into my downstairs bathroom and my toilet was...I don't know how to put this...EXPLODING.

And I mean exploding. Like a dirty fountain filled with toilet paper, leaves, pine needles, and a number of other questionably mirky things.

It's great to get to the point where you don't know
how to thank your friends for being your friends.
Side note: we all had to throw our shoes away after
this event on Friday night.

I was standing in a few inches of water in my bathroom and thought: "What do I do?" I didn't even have a plunger.

I simply thought that one of my friends had blown up my bathroom and then high tailed it out of there. But now I have a mess. A HUGE, stinky, mess.

So I called Austin and said "EMERGENCY! Bring a plunger!" She and Hannah were at my house in 5 minutes.

To make a long story short, Hannah's dad had a carpet cleaner (thank God) and we spent the next few hours bailing out the mirky water and floating debris (that's what I am choosing to call it) and waiting for the plumber. Mike the Plumber showed up around 1 am with the tools for the job and some stories that have scarred me for life. (Note: don't ask a plumber about the weirdest thing he's ever seen unless you are prepared to be psychologically changed forever.)  Mike the Plumber's diagnosis is that one of the outside sewer lines had been cracked by tree roots and the pipe was clogged up with roots and debris, causing my toilet to clog up and eventually back up violently right into my house.

I have had some thoughts to think about this event. Strangely enough, it coincides with a hard reality that God has shown me this week. Something I have known for my whole life but am so afraid to admit:

I SUCK AT LETTING PEOPLE IN.

All caps. There, I said it. And maybe this is why I like keeping a blog. I can really bare my soul to everyone, but it's on my terms. In my words. Limited. My way. No surprises.

My back stuff has forced me to rely on others. It has slowed me down. It has made me examine myself and look in the mirror harder than ever. And Friday night was hilarious to me because I was like...embarrassed to ask for help. But I had no other choice. I had to call my friends and they had to come over and stick their hands in my shit (sorry, but seriously, that's what it was) and help me clean it up. There was no way around it.

Reminder: your texts are more
important to people than you think.

I called Austin and Hannah because I thought I just needed to borrow their plunger. That I only needed a tool from them. Austin said it pretty well at the end of the night: "The best part about this, is that you thought all you needed was a plunger."

What I needed was them. It's crazy how we use other people to get what we want, and don't even know it. But Friday, for me, was a funny reminder from God that I need people. And that's not always on my terms or the ways I want it to be. Sometimes people see the parts of me that I don't want anyone to see. And surprise surprise, they love me anyway! In fact, people seem to like knowing these parts of me!

Would I have preferred my toilet to have not exploded? Yes. But did God use it to paint me a picture of why it's necessary to let people in? Yes.

Newsflash: I don't have it all together. And neither do you. So can we stop pretending that we do?

-Liz

For those of us that need a little hope today.

I have developed a pretty structured routine in the morning. Time has to be available for me to get moving and feel ok physically to walk around and be ready for my day. So I decided to also text verses to a few friends out of whatever I am reading in the bible. One of my friends has reciprocated that for me a few times, and here is what she just sent me this morning:

Do you not know? 
Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, 

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,
 
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, 

and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
 
will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40)

As my frustration is growing and my patience is wearing thin, I am amazed at how this promise from God is as true for me today as it was to the world thousands of years ago. This verse reminds me that God is big and I am small. My problems are huge but God is huger (yeah I know it's not a word).

My morning spot on my back porch. Yesterday it was
my spot for 4+ hours. I could have used a lot more
time with God there.

I don't understand why I am still in pain. But according to this verse, maybe I'm not supposed to. All I am supposed to do is hope in the Lord. So today, I will practice that. Because today, I need a little hope.

(side note: yesterday was one of the most emotionally charged days that I've had in a very, very long time. If I am able to sort out what the heck happened, I might be able to write about it one day...)

-Liz

Nothing is wasted.

7am on a Wednesday.

Typically you would find me getting ready to go workout. Or sleeping in if I could. But for a 10am meeting, I have to be up right now. I live 3 miles from the Y, I'm a quick showerer, so why the early rise?

My back injury is the worst in the morning. And I mean, the worst. The steroid shots have helped. I can walk around now, but I am nowhere near where I thought I would be by this point. I had dreams of being able to work out by now. Back in my routine. Better than ever. But I'm not better than ever. Not physically anyway.

Don't worry, I checked. You can't
read my Dear Diary in this photo. I hope.

So when I get up, I can barely walk. My left leg and calf muscle are so tight and in pain that it often wakes me up in the middle of the night (like last night but I watched Sons of Anarchy so it's ok man what a GREAT episode). I've come to realize that in the morning I need to ice my back immediately and take my medicine before I can even shower. Showering is SUPER painful.

And here I am. My new routine. I need to give myself at least two hours in the morning to get ready. I wake up, I hobble downstairs for an ice pack. I make my green smoothie and coffee, take my medicine, and I sit with God. I write to him. I cry to him. I read about him. And I listen to him. It has become a physical necessity for me to start every day this way.

Why did it take a crippling back injury for me to see my need for God like this?

Nothing is wasted. Not even the most painful injury I've ever had (I know that I have been fortunate in life). In this, God is doing something beautiful.

When it comes to God and his meticulous care for us, nothing is wasted.

See you in a couple hours.

-Liz

You don't deserve this.

It's my insides! And needles. Cool.

Do you ever notice how people try to explain death and heartbreak away by blaming it on God? We don't understand why bad things happen to good people. But we don't seem to complain when good things happen to bad people, when good things happen to good people, or when bad things happen to bad people.

I'm just saying...God is not the one behind the crap in our lives. He just isn't.

But I think it's in our DNA to try to assign blame. And I've had a lot of time think about why my back is so screwed up. Why have I been sidelined for months? Why do I have to deal with this? Why me?

We pray, and when God doesn't answer immediately, we either blame God, or think "Well, I must have done something to deserve this."

I'm the first one to admit...the bible is confusing. But that doesn't mean I get to assign my own characteristics of God to match what makes sense to me. God doesn't make sense to me. Because that kind of love doesn't make sense to us. We are much quicker to assign blame to God because it is easier to believe that we deserve heartbreak instead of love.

What the heck?

This back injury is showing me that in action. God didn't "strike me down" because I didn't pray enough one day. He didn't give me this injury to teach me patience. But He is going to make something beautiful out of this crappy season I'm in. 

I get confused by that. I think God is causing me pain. When really...He is gifting me with hope in the MIDST of pain. Think of it this way - you are the victim of a hurricane that devastates you. Your home is destroyed, you lose your home and your possessions. In the middle of the storm, you are rescued, and the storm passes, and you rebuild your home, stronger than ever. God's role in that? Never the storm. Always the rescuer.

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this gracein which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. - Romans 5

I am more hopeful today, after a new treatment plan with my doctors. Today I had a steroid epidural in my spine. It wasn't bad at all! Crazy feeling. So now I wait. I exult in this tribulation, because I know that it leads to hope.

And hope does not disappoint.

-Liz

My kitchen window

I would have to say that a blog isn't worth anything unless I'm willing to blog the ups AND the downs and all the crazy curveballs in between.

My back isn't better. In fact, it's a new strange kind of worse. I have a lot of numbness and weakness in my left leg, walking is difficult, work outs are lame. Today was my first day on the weight room floor in a week. It felt GREAT to be up there, but now I am feeling it in the "please God I hope I didn't overdo it" kind of way.

Party at my house! Sike.

This is my kitchen window sill. I am trying a lot of different doctors. Chiropractors, myofascial release therapy, back specialists, etc. These are all medications that I could take, but am trying my best not to take. I would rather figure out the cause of my pain than medicate it.

Wednesday of next week I am getting a nerve series done on my left leg and hopefully that will show what's happening. If not, it's onto a very expensive MRI and then who knows what...but there is talk of cortisone shots or surgery. If you are a praying person, please pray for me. Until then, I am very limited. There is certainly a silver lining in this cloud, but right now I am pretty much dealing with the cloudy weather.

I'll keep everyone posted. (and P.S. Sunday is pumpkin day at Goodberry's, so get you some. See, I can end this on a positive note!)

-Liz