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| Stone Mountain, NC. |
After having bariatric surgery in July of 2018, I hit my goal weight over the fall and am now successfully keeping it off and focusing on my health, not just the scale. I remember my surgeon telling me that the hardest part of post-surgery life would be to make sure I eat ENOUGH. I also remember laughing at him and thinking "ok, doc."
But, since then, my list of goals has been accomplished. Rode a roller coaster. Fit comfortably on an airplane to South Africa. Shopped at the Gap. Wore a medium t-shirt. Ran a half marathon. Drove by the McDonald's without stopping in the drive-thru. I can cross my legs comfortably. I can wrap a sweatshirt around my waist. I can sit on the ground and wrap my arms around my legs. I can hike 7 miles and still have energy. I can share clothes with people. All the things that most people maybe don't even think about, are the things that I never got to experience. And now I do!
Now what?
There is a strange moment in time when you hit a goal and everyone stops talking about how great and courageous and strong you are. I am in that strange moment. Days will pass now (maybe even weeks) between people asking me about my weight loss or commenting on how I look. I thought this lapse would bother me more than it does. The truth is...I am enjoying conversation not being about me so much anymore. I feel like I have missed out on everyone around me and their big things because I was knee deep in my big thing and fighting to crawl out of the hole I was in.
In the past, when I would hit weight loss milestones I would start to think that I had it under control and I would celebrate with a slice of pizza. Or some ice cream. Or fast food. But of course, the celebration is what got me into this trouble in the first place and I watched one cheeseburger turn into two and one donut turn into six. The weight comes back on, sometimes more than when we started and then that public victory turns into a quiet shame. Most of the weight loss blogs I have followed have gone dark for those same reasons. No one wants to blog about the quiet shame of weight gain - the admittance that I failed. Again. And I gained the weight back. Again.
Maybe you are in that strange moment with me. You just accomplished a goal. You just finished a race or a degree or a project. And you are wondering the same thing.
Now what?
Well, now...I am happy. That thing that kept me hiding (and I might say, in the closet) my whole life is no longer allowed to do that. The love of a beautiful woman, best friend, and partner, has shown me that it's time to turn around and focus on the world around me. That it's ok (and actually, quite incredible) to let people love me and, in turn, love them back whole heartedly. Now, I am focusing on our family, our community, and our life together.
It is a strange moment when your real life outpaces your wildest dreams. But that's the weird little bit I am in right now and I am loving every single second. To not be alone on the holidays, to not use food as my source of comfort, to be a part of a family as an adult, and to experience the love that comes with partnership? I had no idea what I was missing!
I hope my story helps others. After all, isn't that the best we can all hope for? That we can help one another and pull each other through the struggle. If it's one thing I've learned through all of this - it's that we shouldn't try to climb mountains alone. And once we climb to the top together, celebrate.
Always, always celebrate.
