Peel the onion.

Ultimately, there comes a point in any blog about weight loss where the blogger just...stops.

Something happens where you reach that goal, or you get tired, or you lose that sense of wonder because the process turns into a grind and you run out of things to say on the subject.

This hasn't happened to me. But it is the end of the beginning.

The onion has peeled for me. About ten times over. My weight has never been just about calories. Or pounds. Or pants sizes. It is much deeper and much more difficult. And I have come to realize that it will never be over. Because we never stop growing, never stop struggling, never stop trying to be better.

So we peel the onion.

The beginning was basic. Work out, eat right, lots of accountability. Results. The middle has been terrible. Back surgery. Neck surgery. Less accountability. The newness wore off. The excitement waned.

It's in the middle when we give up. When most of us move on to something else and put away the thing we struggle so badly to overcome. Instead of peeling the onion, we throw it away because it's too much. It has become too raw, too emotional, too hard.

I now realize why I am allergic to inauthenticy in myself and others. Why I hate it when I see it, and can't stand it when I do it myself. But I also realize why it's so damn hard. Being authenticly me is HARD. It is the peeling of the onion. It is the ripping of a band-aid. It is the breaking down of protective barriers we spent our whole life building.

So even though this blog has a lot of entries about weight loss, I want it to be much more. I want it to be deeper than that. I want to continue to peel the onion and work through what's beneath. It has been full of pain, joy, pauses, progress, and all points in between. But as Henry Cloud says, "Change happens when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of doing something different."

Peel that onion, world.

Why being open hearted is the best thing and the worst thing all at once.

I had two friend dates last week with amazing ladies that I love. On my first friend date, we were catching up and she said "I loved your blog about blogs being stupid" to which I replied "Yes, but I realized that by calling blogs stupid and experts irrelevant, I have now set myself up for being an expert about experts and that makes me irrelevant."

On my second friend date, my friend asked me how I was doing. I told her I was doing great to which she replied "Oh, come on, I read your blog."

Ouch.

This is why being open hearted is the best thing and the worst thing all at once.

I used to wonder why people have limited relationships. Why people guard their hearts so tightly and don't let others in. Why small talk prevails at parties, why we are more honest over text than in person, why authenticity is so hard to find.

I don't wonder that anymore.

Keeping an openhearted account of my life and struggles with weight and acceptance has opened me up like that guy in Operation. I put everything out there in the hopes that it would help other people. And it has. But at the same time, I put everything out there. And when everything is out there on display, things get scary. Things get emotional. Things get harder than ever.

I feel like I am walking through fire instead of around it. And when we choose to face demons head on like that, it does get scary. So there are nights when all I want to do is hibernate at home with Netflix. There are days where it's hard for me to reach out to anyone because I feel like I am in survival mode.

I am working on perspective. And fighting the urge to be less open hearted. Just like that guy in Operation, my insides are on the outside right now, There is notable pain in living an authentic life, and that's why I understand the need to keep people at a distance now. I understand the need for small talk and texting and guarded hearts. For most of us, it is just too damn painful to be the guy in Operation.

And this is why being open hearted is the best thing and the worst thing all at once. And it's been a lesson to me to be more careful with people, because I have a feeling I am not the only one that is operating this way.

Operating. Get it?

Why blogs are stupid.

There was a time in my life where I thought I knew everything and I was really wise and sharing new ideas with the world that would revolutionize everything.

I looked at Facebook today and post after post after post was like an accident I couldn't turn away from. Advice about parenting. Advice for 20-somethings. Advice for how to get rich quick. Advice for how to be a better Christian. Advice on how I should feel. Advice on how I shouldn't feel. Advice for how to change the world. Advice for how to lose weight easily (which never works because if it did, we would all be thin).

Advice. Advice. More advice.

This is why blogs are stupid. And why I never wanted to have one. I don't know everything and I'm not wise and I don't have any new ideas.

We live in a really dangerous time where people grab on to an idea and worship it. Most of the time, it's our emotional connection to the idea that does this to us. And when we find this idea on social media, we are desperate for connection, so we latch on to something without really thinking about it or questioning it or asking the people we trust and that know us what they might think about it.

For example: I am 38 and single, I don't really have a demographic. But on Facebook, all my friends and peers are posting about weddings and kids and family events. But if I measure my life against theirs, I will always fall short. But we measure how we are doing all the time against all this advice on Facebook. And we always fall short. 

Probably because no one ever posts their struggles on Facebook. We post the best versions of ourselves. We don't upload photo albums highlighting the dark moments of the soul.

Comparison...in a word...sucks. The only way I know to not make my blog stupid is to make it honest. And honestly? This has been one of the darkest years of my life personally. Two back surgeries in one year has derailed the one thing I've been focused on, and losing progress in my health pursuits has been nothing short of heartbreaking. It caused a domino effect of loneliness in me that I am still trying to get a hold of.

Honestly? I am tired of people giving advice. And I am tired of pretending I have advice to give. What I need more of is the "yeah, me too" spirit that the world lacks. The admittance that we are all unsure and that we just don't know. That we are doing the best we can. That we are in it together and don't have the answers.

If this stupid blog helps you be open, it worked. If all it does is make me look like I have some wisdom that no one else does, it failed.

I am learning how to reach out and trust people again. And it's not easy. But it's how I begin to be healthy again. Every day is a choice.

As my dad used to tell me, "Make good decisions." So today, I will. And today is about all I can handle!

Don't censor your heart.

I do believe there are obvious times in life when you have a conversation with someone and you immediately realize that it's important. And, if we could all get on the same page with an idea, revolutionary.

I just got home from a quick trip to visit my family in Pennsylvania and had a conversation with a friend of mine about relationships. And it got deep really fast once we came to the conclusion that every single person on this earth has to make a choice about whether or not we are going to censor our hearts.

You know when you get to that point in any friendship or relationship where it gets risky? Where you realize you have let a person in past the point of comfort and arms length and safety? Where they know your inner workings so much that it's either going to be the greatest thing ever or the worst thing ever?

That's the point where 99% of us censor our hearts. Some of us do it seasonally, some of us do it always. But all of us do it sometimes.

I certainly don't think we should become an open wound and a bleeding heart to every person that we meet. But I do think that we spend our whole lives looking for that person that will love us the way we love them, and care for us the way we care for them. The problem, however, is that while we are looking for those few people, we get a lot of bruises and broken bones in the process.

Break-ups happen in friendships as much as they do in relationships. And they can be just as painful. But what my friend and I talked about is, we all have the choice, when that happens, to either censor our hearts and live in a bubble, or get back out there again and risk injury at the chance of finding the people that will care for us as much as we care for them.

It was an important conversation for me because it reminded me of two things: that I am not alone, and that I am not crazy. And it also reminded me to not censor my heart. To not fall into that trap of being a people pleaser and be someone I'm not to win the approval of anyone.

Oh and just a reminder: you are really great. Especially the uncensored version of you.

(bonus cool points if you can name the 90's singer that sings about the subject of this blog in her epic debut album.)

-Liz

Also: listen to this song. It might be the soundtrack of your life, too.

Working the burn pile at my parents' house.

Burning s**t down.

Hopes and dreams in paper lanterns.

Peeling away the layers.

From another friend of mine that I've asked to share. Check out her amazing story:

I’m sad to say that I have never known what it has felt like to be of “normal” weight. My weight has always been the topic of discussion in doctor appointments, family conversations, and peer ridicule. Each and every comment has left a scar on my heart and soul. Ironically, the more I heard (overheard) the painful words the more I reached for food. I ate to become invisible. Underneath the visible obese situation was a secret world of abuse. 

After years of believing the lie, I won’t amount to anything, I began to call out to God for help. Every night was filled with deep pain, dark fear, and relentless pleas to God for help. I was utterly disgusted with myself and so was the “world”. I finally took the plunge and unleashed my abuse secret to trusted adults in my life. With the guidance of youth group ministers, close mentors, and former teachers I began to peel away each layer of the “onion” that trapped my heart and soul.

It has been the most trying, scary, and excruciating process to let the layers peel off. I have felt so exposed to the world after years of trying to hide. In the beginning of the process I would lose five pounds here or two pounds there, but they always returned when I was not looking. I felt defeated over and over. I cried out, “What’s wrong with me?” to anyone who would listen. I found myself still obsessed with food and being counterproductive. I wanted to be free from the struggle and not develop a new food struggle. I hated the trap. I longed for a battle with something we did not need to survive. 

Then in 2011 my beloved Grandmother was faced with a terminal illness that brought me to her bedside until her final breath. I held on to everything she said, every smile she gave, and every breath she took. Something inside me was awoken and could no longer sit still. I promised my Grandmother that I would take care of myself in a letter I placed in her coffin. I left her grave unaware how I would keep my promise, but I knew God had a plan.

The Lord’s plan for my promise to my Grandmother started to unfold as I felt the urge to learn how to run a race. The idea of completing a running race was so totally crazy that I knew it had to have my Grandmother’s blessing. So, September 2011 I joined a walk to run class in my local community. The coach was so supportive and encouraging despite my “I can’t do that” attitude each night. Low and behold I was on my way to my first 5K on Thanksgiving. I set three goals for myself: 1. Don’t be last. 2. Finish in under 45 minutes and 3. Don’t give up. Praise be to God all three were accomplished. Go figure it was the 10th anniversary of the 5k and therefore a finisher’s medal was placed around my neck. It felt like I just completed my OLYMPIC moment! It was so thrilling. Another layer of fear was peeled off that day.

I took the 5k momentum and kept running the race with weight. Little by little the pounds were dropping and staying off. People starting making “skinny” comments everyday. I found it hard to believe them. One would think it would be easy to feel “skinny”, but I felt EXACTLY the same as I did at my heaviest. Not even buying new clothes at a smaller size changed my brain’s perception on me. All the attention made me run for the dark hole to hide again. After reaching a loss of nearly 80 pounds I gave up again. I did not know how to handle being “normal”.

 Then came my first year of running anniversary as I did the Thanksgiving race again. Then again I was motivated to fight the fight. I made a new goal of completing a 10k. In November 2013 I conquered the 10k goal with a friend who decided to join me. Now I am working with my big sister to finish a half marathon in May 2015. Each day is battle not for the faint of heart. The lies I grew up with as “truth” are constantly swirling around in my head. The feeling of “this will never be finished” can be so depressing. But the unfailing grace and love of Christ with beloved friends walking along side me I can continue to peel layers off. The process is slow with many bumps along they way, but I wholeheartedly encourage to take that first step each morning. I also ask that if you see someone with a weight struggle to be kind and gentle because you never know the pain underneath the weight that devastates them to their core.

Today I am back on track to reach the 100’s again, a sight I have not seen since about the 7th grade. I am trying to preserve over the injuries that I’m faced with as I strive to obtain my half marathon goal in 7 months. I have no idea how many layers I have peeled back, but each one holds a part of me that I have to embrace, accept, love, and then let go. If you are on your own journey I highly commend you for your strength, bravery, and dedication. I believe in YOU!

Would you be willing to share your story? Email me! The more we open up to each other, we can rest assured that we are all in it together.

Permission to be yourself

I am reading this book with work called "The Gift of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. First of all, this book changed my life when I first read it back in January. So much so, that I am reading it with my co-workers. If you need another reason to believe me, check this out:

"When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness."

Is this what authenticity is really about? Christians are the worst offenders of all. See when I became a Christian, it was all about responding to Jesus' love for me. But the longer I am a Christian, the more I see my Christian friends trying to be someone that they just...aren't.

Oh but, me too. I am guilty of trying to sound more Christian, talk more Christian, read and write more Christian, look more Christian, just be more...acceptable to Christians.

But isn't that stupid since...Jesus Christ accepts me as I am? It's us Christians that don't accept us as we are.

In other words, how can I gain access to my real worth when I am trying to live someone else's story?

So if you're a Christian and you're reading this, help me to change this epidemic. And if you're a Christian girl reading this, let me give you permission to be yourself. It's ok to be yourself and love Jesus at the same time. In fact, Jesus loves those parts of you that make you different. God made them, after all. Break that "Christian girl mold" that you may have been sold where you have trade in your sass, your fun, your sarcasm, your weirdness for some pale version of yourself.

I don't know, I just have this dream where everyone of us can be ok with who we are and love that about each other. I think accountability is unbelievably important, but that somewhere along the way, we have gotten accountability confused with judgment. Here's the difference: accountability says "I love you and I am with you while we work through this together." Judgment says "I don't like this about you so I am going to label you and walk away."

Can we let go of what other people think about us? If we do, we can finally rest in our own self-worth and stop living as lame versions of ourselves. Trust me. When you aren't being yourself, it is really lame. The world needs you. Just as you are.

"Don't let what you want now get in the way of what you want most."

Yesterday I was listening to a Steven Furtick sermon while on the bike and I heard him say "Don't let what you want now get in the way of what you want most." You can find it here under Part 2.

This idea has been spinning in my brain since. Not just in terms of health and wellness, but in terms of friendship. Loneliness. Success. Finance. Love. Anger. Pride. And every emotion that can pass in and out of us at the drop of a hat.

Have you ever acted out of anger and then been immediately embarrassed about it? Have you ever not gotten what you thought you deserved and internalized it way too much, letting it cut you too deep? Have you ever been rejected by a friend and let that mess with your identity and confidence?

The answer is yes. Way too many times.

Too often I am driven by what I want now instead of what I want most. What I want now tends to prevent me from what I want most. I am often bamboozled by my past. Mistakes I have made. Regrets. Fear. It has become a daily battle for me to not believe that my past mistakes can affect my future.

If I give into what I want now, I let loneliness make my decisions. And those are never good decisions. If I give into what I want most, I am learning love, acceptance, patience, discipline, and that I deserve a lot more than I think I do.

We all deserve more than these impulse, reactionary decisions. Don't let what you want now get in the way of what you want most.

Hang in there.

This morning I had the humbling opportunity to speak to a group of YMCA professionals about authenticity and openness. Two subjects that, when paired together, can be really painful. But also, when done well, can be very freeing.

We did this exercise where I asked everyone to write down something they struggle and then I read some of them out loud. They were anonymous answers, but I asked everyone in the room to stand up if they, too, struggled with that particular issue.

What did the group write down? Here are some great ones.

I struggle with:

• speaking honestly with those closest to me.
• loneliness.
• believing I am good enough when everyone around me is so critical and discouraging.
• finding the right person to love and not settling for someone that isn't right for me.
• graduating from college and being single while everyone around me is getting married and having babies.
• talking to a group of people I don't know.

And these went on and on. For each one I read, so many people in the room stood up. And here was the beauty of the exercise: when we realize we are not alone in our struggle, the struggle loses its power over us.

Have you ever loved someone and not had that love returned? It's heartbreaking. It only takes one time for that to happen to shut you down and wall yourself off from the world. But from what I saw today, there is a world out there that wants to know you. And some people won't return the love you give out. But some will. Let's keep trying until we find each other.

Hang in there, guys. Hang in there.

Why not me?

I asked a friend of mine, Sarah, to write a blog post. She is 19 years old and has had fantastic success losing weight over the past year. But it was and is FAR from easy. Read this, and prepare to nod your head in agreement with her honesty and realness:

I have been overweight since about the age of 13. After my parent’s divorce I turned to food for comfort. It was the one constant I could turn to when my life seemed to be falling apart. Food was something that was guaranteed to always be there and always seemed to make me happy.

At this time my mom saw me, her youngest daughter, gaining weight and took me to a nutritionist. This was the first of many different diets/nutritionists/personal trainers that I would encounter. At this point I didn’t feel overweight. I was still extremely happy and doing normal kid things like swimming on the swim team and hanging out with friends. The thing that made me most upset was not that I was overweight, but how much my weight bothered my mom. The different diet plans would work for a short period of time, but I would eventually fall back into my old habits and gain the weight back. Looking back, I think I was too young to make a lifestyle change. I didn’t see a problem, so I had no intention to change my ways.

Now I am 19 years old. A little over a year ago I was a senior in high school and it was senior prom time. This is the event that most students dream of. For me it was the opposite. All of my friends were getting asked to prom in cute ways and shopping at the cutest boutiques for their fancy dresses. I was dreading the prom season because for one I didn’t get asked and secondly I was worried I wouldn’t find a dress that I fit into and actually liked. Prom ended up being a fun occasion, but it opened my eyes to how much my weight was holding me back. Although others didn’t seem to define me by my weight, I realized I was defining my own self-worth by my weight.

Senior prom, May 2013 - and then the same dress on July, 2014.

So, I really set my mind to making a change. I was sick of going to the doctor and getting a lecture about how my weight was unhealthy, I was tired of feeling so insecure, and most of all I was tired of being so unhappy. These things served as motivation for me to keep on track with my healthy eating and exercising.

I wish I could say that this major lifestyle change has been easy. From the outside it probably looks like it is. What makes this process so difficult is the internal thoughts that go on inside my head. I sometimes feel like these thoughts attempt to sabotage my weight loss and I have to fight against them to keep on the right track.

One thing in particular that has been an ongoing struggle on this journey is the self pity that I create for myself. I often catch myself thinking "Why me?" or "How come I struggle with weight while none of my friends do?" or “No one understands how hard this is for me”. It’s easy to just get angry at the situation and use this anger as an excuse to give up, but these questions I ask myself only lead to even more negative thoughts. For one, it is not a good thing to compare yourself to others because everyone (yes even the person that you think has it all together and seems "perfect") struggles with something. Some people's struggles are more visible than others, but no one is perfect. Another issue with this thought process is that thinking these thoughts doesn't change ANYTHING. I have learned that I need to accept this challenge that I have in front of me. Pitying myself doesn't help my fight whatsoever.

Another issue I have come to face is the feeling of embarrassment when eating out with friends. For some reason going out to eat has become a social experience. If you are meeting up with friends they seem to decide to go out to dinner or go out for ice-cream. This used to be my favorite outing, but has recently turned into a planned out occasion. When  we choose a restaurant I immediately pull up an online caloric version of the menu. I either do this before I arrive or at the table (making sure no one sees). When we order, I feel a mixture of embarrassment and jealousy. 

For example, just last week my friends and I went out to eat while at the beach. They all decided to order milkshakes- I didn't partake in this and instead ordered a water. For some reason I feel embarrassed in situations like this because I think everyone is thinking about my choice and it seems awkward. In reality I am sure no one even thinks twice about what I order. I wish I could order a milkshake, but I know the sense of guilt I would experience while drinking it would outweigh the enjoyment. In the moment this decision was not very easy, but afterwards I felt good about my choice. At school in the dining hall there is self-serve ice-cream. Often times before leaving all of my friends will get ice-cream. Instead of completely disallowing myself to partake in any dessert, I decided to create my own dessert that I enjoy and look forward to. I make a fruit and yogurt parfait with some of my favorite granola on top. With this substitution, I feel that I still get to enjoy dessert while also keeping on track with my lifestyle change.

Although these healthier decisions are extremely hard to make at times, I know that these small choices make a difference in the long run. Not having those french fries or that dessert doesn't seem like it would make a difference but those choices add up.

I know I just need to stop questioning Why and start asking myself Why not?

Sarah

The horribly wonderful, terribly terrific world of food.

This morning I had my youth director team over for a breakfast meeting at my house. Typically, this is an occasion that would be fun to plan, enjoy, and be excited about. If it was a meeting at my house, without the food, then yes - that would be the case.

But enter the horribly wonderful, terribly terrific world of food.

Breakfast is my favorite meal. No other meal can say that it is enjoyed at all times of the day. Breakfast for dinner? Yes please! Breakfast for lunch? Great! Midnight at Waffle House? Of course! So planning a breakfast filled with pancakes, egg casserole, and monkey bread (sweet, sweet monkey bread) is a dream come true.

Or a nightmare for those of us with food issues.

So I have had this internal battle for days now. Days. Should I eat what everyone else eats? What if I just have a little bit? One bite won't hurt! Just enjoy the meal! Eat whatever you want, it's not a big deal, get it out of your system!

I don't know how this happened, but pancakes, egg casserole, and an overflowing pan of monkey bread was made at my house, and I ate fruit, drank coffee, and enjoyed one Liz-shaped pancake courtesy of Anthony.

I didn't eat the monkey bread. And then I did 20 miles on the spin bike.

All this to say, God cares a lot about the things that hurt me and limit me. And God cares a lot about me overcoming those things. For me, it's food. For you, it might be something else. But none of our hang-ups are inconsequential to God. Because nothing about us is inconsequential to God. Maybe when we all see how valuable we are, we will start to see how big God is.

And in the meantime, I'll be navigating the wonderful world of food and all the delicious pitfalls in between. But today, today was a win.

Sometimes the devil sounds a lot like Jesus

"Sometimes the devil sounds a lot like Jesus, telling me I'm not enough.
But I don't believe it, but I can feel it, and I need you so. Yes I need you so."
(Ben Rector, "If You Can Hear Me")

My friend Tyler and I have been knee deep in Ben Rector songs lately. His words just seem so fitting in so many ways, and he's a Christian guy who writes Christian songs that aren't...cheesy.

This particular song has been on repeat for me lately. Have you noticed that we like to beat ourselves up so much sometimes, that we even believe God is that voice inside our heads telling us that we aren't enough?

For example: guilt we feel for drinking last night. Shame we feel for going to far with that guy. Worry we feel about that job interview. That thing we did. That mistake we made. That position we don't deserve.

And I think we reason it away with weird sayings like "God is trying to teach me a lesson" or "I guess  this is payback for my years of turning away from God" because it is easier to believe we don't deserve love than to believe anyone, let alone God Himself, could love us unconditionally.

Have you thought about unconditional love lately? We don't understand that. At all. I don't love anyone unconditionally. When someone hurts me, I protect myself from that happening again. Why would I love that person again unconditionally when there is no guarantee that I won't get hurt again? But I am probably the only one that feels this way, right?

The problem is we don't believe what God says about us. And this infects our every day. Our habits, our relationships, our bank accounts, our mirrors, our clothes, our jobs, our choices. Imagine how different you would live, just for today, believing that you are good enough.

I was going to give an update on the shiny new scale I've been using, but this came out instead. So that will happen another day soon. For right now, I think this is enough. Just like you.

I bought a scale.

I am 38 years old and have never owned a scale. We didn't really have one in my house growing up. No, scratch that...my mom had one of those doctor scales in her room when I was growing up, but I never wanted to get on it.

In fact, as I got older, I feared that scale. Since it was JUST like the doctor's office ones, it reminded me of that dreaded event that I had to endure every year. The sentence my mom would utter to me that threw me into a cookie dough panic: it's time for your physical!

I don't remember a time that the scale didn't scare me. But the danger in that thing is that, the more you ignore it, the more power it gets. I mean, I can say all day that the scale doesn't define me, and that it's just a number, and that it's only about how your clothes fit. But clothes stretch, and belts have options, and Taco Bell is so good and before you know it...you're gaining back the weight you fought so hard to lose.

So I bought a scale. And Amazon delivered it. And the box sat, unopened, on my dining room table for a few days. But today I opened it, and I put the batteries in, and I took a deep breath, and I just stepped on it. The number appeared. And it's a sucky number, but it's my indicator. My reminder. My restarting point.

This scale thing is showing me how I let other things and other people and other opinions determine my worth. When I am lonely or struggling through an issue, I turn to my food friends for comfort. And it ultimately makes me more uncomfortable.

Most of you read this and think "Just eat healthy, damn!" To you I say "thank you, but you don't get it." And I would also say...whatever that big struggle has been your whole life - a person, an event, a place, an addiction - replace that with food and welcome to my world.

So I am going to be courageous and use that scale. And I am going to live well today and not worry about tomorrow. Crazy how God knows enough about me to put that in the bible as words to live by.

Hold on to the people that love you and pursue you. And let go of the ones that don't. Don't let people determine your worth. Don't worry, I'm working on it too.

Death to selfie

This morning I heard a really great sermon on narcissism. Defined as an excessive interest in one's self or one's appearance, narcissism has become an epidemic. 

Remember when we used to take pictures with a camera that had film in it? And you had to wait until they were developed to see how you looked? Polaroids were the closest things we had to Instagram. But now, the world is scarier. Instant everything. Excessive interest in ourselves and our appearance.

Instagram reports posting over a million selfies a day. Out of those, 36% admit to retouching their selfies, and 13% admit to retouching every selfie that they post.

Excessive interest in ourselves and our appearance.

I am the queen of narcissism. When you are single without kids and live three states away from your family, it's hard to not be selfish. I only really need to worry about myself. But this focus on me has taken me down many times. And then add that to an excessive interest in my appearance and my weight and before you know it - I am fighting a losing battle with narcissism.

The great news is that our pastor this morning not only highlighted the issue, he offered a solution. If you want to combat selfishness, walk in step with God. Focus on Jesus, not on yourself. Look outward, not inward, for wisdom and knowledge.

I don't know how to do this right. But I do know that I just have to try it. Every day. When I get out of step, I start over. Every day. And I also know that we need to go easy on ourselves. Look outward, not inward. Focus on Jesus, not myself.

And for God's sake, girls, quit making that kissy face. You look better when you just...smile.

Facebook will lie to you.

I had dinner with a friend tonight, a friend that I have known since she was a middle schooler. I love when you walk into a situation and you have no idea the depths of what you are about to experience. Our conversation, while I thought would just be us catching up on each other's lives, became about something far more important.

This particular friend of mine, we'll call her Sally, is in between jobs, school, life change, all of it. I asked Sally what she wants to do with her life. Sally said, in no uncertain terms "I am too screwed up to really know what I want."

I asked Sally what she meant and she began to tell me how she is more screwed up than anyone else she knows. That she has body image issues, is emotionally unstable, and the list went on and on.

You see, Sally is feeling how a lot of us feel. We have a rough day. We come home to an empty room because we are too tired to be social. We hop on social media and we look at photos and instagrams and tweets about how great someone looks, how much fun they are having, how clever they can be, how much...better they are than we are.

Sally is believing the lie that we all believe. That Facebook sells to us.

This is the lie: everyone else is doing great. You're the only one that is this messed up.

See, this lie cripples most of us. I have believed it for years. In my loneliness, recently, I have reached out to some friends with open hands and got nothing in return. I thought that the depths of my pain would be received by people that knew me the best. But the truth was, some of us are so afraid to open our fists to grab on to each other because we aren't willing to be rejected. And that fear of being who we really are isolates us and before we know it, we are alone. In a room. Believing the Facebook lie.

Here's the truth: I'm not doing that great. But tonight I got to connect with an old friend and tell her that, and that took away the power that isolation had on her, even for a moment. Can we be strong enough to admit that we are weak? Can we be brave enough to say that we're scared?

Some people will receive from you and some won't. I have been surprised both negatively and positively by that this week. But the friends that haven't grabbed my open hands can't be my focus. I have to fight for those that are willing to fight with me.

Don't let Facebook lie to you anymore. Let someone in so you can hear the truth: you are not the only one that's messed up. Welcome to our messy neighborhood.

What I learned from the ALS ice bucket challenge.

A few weeks ago, it started to show up on my Facebook newsfeed. And then it flooded my Facebook news feed. And then the thing happened that always happens when things get popular:

The backlash.

I thought I would make it through without having to be a part of this.

Wrong. Here's a sampling of what I saw on social media this week:

"Am I the only one who is totally tired of the ice bucket challenge ? Save the time and water and write a check people." (as of this post, 53 people "liked" this)

if you do the #IceBucketChallenge but don't actually explain ALS, I don't know if it counts as raising awareness..." via my twitter news feed

And this one, which is truly one of the most tasteless jokes I've seen in a long, long time:

"Robin Williams died doing what he loved, the ice bucket challenge." Posted by a friend of mine that I won't embarrass now by identifying.

And me...my internal monologue while seeing this: "UGH. No one better make me do this. I don't even get how this will raise money. This is dumb. People don't even know what ALS is." And on and on and on.

Ok, so here's the thing: does it matter? Does it matter why people are trying to do good? Does it matter how accurate and how educated and how perfectly responsible a good deed is? Why can't we just see people trying to do good things and support it, instead of making jokes, judging, critiquing, or grading them from the other side of an anonymous computer monitor?

Sometimes I am shocked at how judgmental I can be. And this time it moved me enough to confess it publicly, and to call it out. Side note: this stupid little social media experiment worked. Really, really well.

Whenever you try to change the world, you will have haters. In fact, I would say that if you don't have haters, you're not doing it right.

Play on, players.

Retweet this to your followers? Yes. Yes I think I will.

Make "how are you" a question instead of a greeting.

What do you do when the thing that relieves you is the thing that causes you pain?

I am recovering from neck surgery, which was on July 31st. My mom came down to visit, THANK GOD, and took amazing care of me.

What they took out, and what they
put in. This is the best operation room
photo they would take for me.

She left on Saturday and since then, I have been in a dark place, honestly. When you have someone here that loves you so much, and they are caring for you, and are around you all the time, and then they leave...it leaves a noticeable hole that you try to fill with other things.

Does anyone want to guess how I tried to fill that hole? Well, in the same ways I have been trying to fill voids my entire life...food.

Food is the thing that relieves me. Food is the thing that causes me pain.

So in the midst of loneliness and depression, historically, I have turned to food. And with the move to a new town, those emotions have been knocking on my door, and I have let them in by turning to food. Food is the acceptable drug of choice in our country. No kidding, there are over 20 fast food spots within 5 miles of my house. For a food addict like me, that's like having a bar on every corner, or a dealer that lives in the house across the street.

Everywhere. Temptation to withdrawal further.

I wish I could say that I have found the answer to all this after two years of openly working through it. But I haven't. The closest answer I have found is this: to let people know me, and to make myself available to know others. The more I practice this specifically, the more I see the dark clouds of depression lifting.

For example, this afternoon I rode the spin bike for the first time since surgery and my friend Allison came to work out too. She went out of her way to pull a bike over to me and I was honest about how lonely I've been feeling in this new town. And she received me. And we made plans to work out together more consistently. And she invited me to dinner. And I invited myself to her son's t-ball games. And she checked in with me about church. But most important...we took time to be real with each other.

When my mom was here, she mentioned the concept of "How are you?" and how it has become a greeting, not a question. If I ask you how you are, do I really want to know the answer? "How are you? No, really. How are you? I want to know. And I have time to sit and listen, because I have a feeling you need that. Because I'm not doing so great either."

Surgery selfie. And hopefully the only
selfie I'll ever take.

I'm willing to blow up this blog with some real stuff if you're willing to get on this ship with me. I don't know about you, but I'm getting exhausted by small talk. Can we make "how are you" a question instead of a greeting?

Let pain be your guide.

On Thursday, I am going back to visit crazy Nurse Martha. And while I love a good reunion, this isn't one I was planning on.

I have to have disc fusion surgery in my neck. While it sounds grosser than it is, they basically open up my throat, put a bone spacer between two of my vertebrae, and then screw in a titanium plate to keep everything in place. Ok, it is pretty gross. 

Having two disc surgeries in one year is a bummer. And as I am mentally preparing for Thursday while recounting last December, it's amazing how different life is for me now. God has found a way to help me work through a lot of emotional pain and helped me to forgive myself and quit being so hard on myself.

They are going to put this on my
insides. Titanium. X-Men here I come.

I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but: do you ever find that you beat yourself up WAY more than you should? I think of it this way: I would NEVER let someone treat a friend the way I treat myself. 

I think we live in a place where it is expected to beat yourself up. It is frowned upon to be ok with who you are and where you are. Especially in Christian circles. We are the worst about this. We compare, we measure, we criticize, and we convince ourselves that we are not good enough. Never satisfied and never happy.

So what if we were able to accept ourselves no matter what? No matter what grade we got? No matter what someone says about us? No matter what weight we are?

I am dreading recovery because, I don't know how long it will be. "Let pain be your guide" is what my doctor says. I wish I could take this more seriously. If I let pain be my guide, maybe I would stop beating myself up after that open wound I create. If I let pain be my guide, I would be patient with myself when the timeline is not what I had planned. If I let pain be my guide, I would forgive myself as I forgive others.

What would you do differently if you let pain be your guide?

We miss your smile.

The other day I was having... a day. You know the one. Where you just want to stay in bed all day and conversations are an effort and you are an emotional ball of extremes.

And then this happened.

I was walking past our indoor pool at the Y. There is a wall of glass outside of my office where you can look directly into the pool complex. At this particular time of day, our camp high hopes kids were swimming and that's always chaos. Laughing, splashing, yelling, general pool fun.

No one was paying attention to me as I surveyed the scene. Except for her. While everyone around her was going nuts and having a big time, she took the time to pause and smile. And it wasn't just one of those fleeting, courtesy smiles...it was genuinely long enough for me to quickly snap a photo on my phone.

I have been thinking about the smiling girl ever since.

You know when you are walking down the hallway and say "Hey how you doing?" to someone, but you rarely mean it? What would I really do if someone told me how they are REALLY doing. Would I be ready to stop my day to listen to what they are struggling with? I wish I could say yes emphatically. But typically I am doing that courtesy ask. That courtesy smile. That courtesy "how are you?"

So I am trying something new. I am trying to be the girl in the photo. In the midst of my daily chaos. And you know what? It's working. People need my smile. People need your smile. They miss it. There was a time in your life that everyone got to see it, and they need it back as much as you do.

Let's make a pact to value people over experiences. I don't know about you, but I hope that at the end of my life, I am remembered for the people I impacted and not the things I've done or the places I've been. And plus, I don't know if you've seen my dimples when I smile, but they are INCREDIBLE.

-Liz

Meet me in the middle?

It has been a month since I wrote. But in my defense, it has been a month of madness! Current status: sitting on an air mattress in my new living room watching Fargo.

My move process was an emotional roller coaster. But what move isn't? In the turmoil, I have found some pretty spectacular moments of generosity in excess. I am grateful for the ways God looks ahead to places we can't yet see.

But my mind has been occupied with the middle. A friend sent me a fb message the other day talking about just what I had been thinking about. When weight loss becomes an idol, what do you do? Well historically, I rebel and sabotage the progress, just to prove to anyone and everyone that I have the power to do whatever I want.

This concept sounds ridiculous, but think about. Somewhere deep in ourselves, we don't believe that we deserve happiness, so even our best laid plans become a chance to sabotage. Progress can regress at the drop of a hat and before you know it, one bad decision turns you down a road of revers like you would not believe.

That happened to me. And daily, I am fighting it. Fighting for my life, really.

The loneliness of moving to a new town with new surroundings can compound these feelings, but I am allowing my eyes to stay open and to be aware of the middle. I want to get back to the middle, where I am not obsessed, and I am not rebelling.

I am aware, and I am still fighting. And hopefully a lot of us can meet in the middle and find our normalcy again. The best way I can explain it is this: we all give up on ourselves too easily. And I wish we would all agree to stop beating ourselves up like we do.

Oh yeah, and did I mention my weekend with Bob Goff? Wow. For another day...
-Liz

I do believe that refrigerator magnets tell the
stories of our lives.

My current living situation. Simplicity has
its perks.

The note left for me by the previous house
owner. This meant so much to me.

Me, Tyler, and Bob Goff. Yeah, so that was...
unbelievably ridiculous.

Our staff rally a few weeks ago. And my best shot

of living a dream of being a rock star.

When the past hijacks your present

Note the traveling band that moved from my closet
into my car into a storage unit. For now.

So, I am in the process of moving. More like, I am in the process of doing all these piddly fixes and repairs to my old house, and organizing everything I own in preparation to move to my new house.

When you clean out your closets, you really...clean out your closets.

I haven't learned that trick yet that I think most people do better than me. You know that trick where people just...move on. The ironic thing is that I was talking to a good friend of mine that has really been a mentor of mine for the past fifteen years, and she was asking me if I was excited about the move and the new community.

"You move on really easily, though" she said.

I do? Well, that was news to me.

What she really meant was that, I have no problem making new friends. And the opposite end of that pendulum? I have no problem saying good bye to friends.

Ouch.

Her comment has brought me into soul searching. Cleaning out my closets here has send me into the abyss. The past. The broken past. The mistakes.

Isn't it funny how we look to the past and never remember the full truth? It can either serve our self-pity or as a device to romanticize how things never really were.

So my new personal mission is to remind people that i don't say good bye easily, even though it appears that I do. I simply internalize it. Hide it away. The alternative is more painful for me, so it became a defense mechanism. Appearing to have the ability to move on easily, to be a social chameleon will never allow me to be fully known.

So that's the trick. Starting over. Not giving up on myself, the ability to change, to forgive myself, to remember that past mistakes don't define my future. It is a choice three hundred times a day to not let the past hijack my present. And hopefully, lifting the veil off of our defense mechanisms helps us all to be a little more open with each other.

At least, that's my hope.

Stop grieving what's been lost.

Start building on what remains.

See, I was innocently riding the spin bike this morning at around 6:30 am, and decided to take a note out of my friend Pam's book and listen to a sermon instead of my standard workout music.

Little did I know that young Steven Furtick would hit me good. He said, and I quote:

"Someone out there needs to know this. Someone out there needs to hear this: 'Stop grieving what's been lost. Start building on what remains.'"

This was meant for me. I am the someone out there that needs to know this. I randomly picked this sermon from 2011 to listen to. Does God work through technology like a time machine? Yes. Emphatically, yes.

See, I have been grieving what's been lost for the better part of a year. In my head, playing and replaying certain things. Certain people. Certain situations that I wish were different. Certain feelings that I wish would change. Times and places and conversations and texts and work outs and numbers and clothes and food and - you name it. I grieve it.

I grieve what's been lost. As if I have no other option.

But I do have another option. Not all is lost. Do you hear me? Because I believe someone out THERE needs to hear THIS: not all is lost.

We all need to start building on what remains. Yes, we are broken. But yes, we are also resilient. I still haven't figured out how to stop grieving when it comes to my emotional pain. The best thing I can say is that I am taking steps. They are baby steps, but they are steps nonetheless.

We have set backs. But they are temporary. As my dad says: "this might be your rainy season, but rain makes things grow."

Not all is lost. I need that reminder as much as you need it today.

Start building on what remains.

-Liz

I think I thought about it, but I think I can't stop thinking about it.

One foot in front of the other. Some
days, that's as far ahead as I can think.

Ever find yourself saying you're over something? But, you're not over it? And maybe you're trying to convince yourself you're over it, but then one day, you get slapped over the head that you're not over that thing you said you were over?

It's probably just me.

See, I am a fixer. I need answers. I want resolutions. I want to solve for x, I want a final number, and I want to move on. But life, unlike Algebra 1, doesn't seem to agree to my wants or desires.

What I want, I cannot get.

There are ways to escape other people's thoughts and opinions. But how do I escape my own head?

I've tried long walks. I've tried losing myself in tv shows, in a book, in work. But my brain works overtime. So much so, that I am surprised it hasn't overheated or imploded.

All of this to say, if you are wondering about me, if I am over it, wondering if I am wondering about you, the answer is yes. I don't get over things fast. In fact, things seem to rule over me for far too long. The past, the present, the future.

I read something great this morning that was meant for me. And maybe you, too:

Most of the situations that entangle your mind are not today's concerns; you have borrowed them from tomorrow. @Jesus_Calling
— Liz Simpers (@gochangemove) May 11, 2014

Anyone else? Yeah, I thought it might just be me....

Thinking of you.
-Liz

Do your thang.

In case you were wondering, this is what it looks like
when I do my thang. At work. For a photo shoot.

It has been a silent month. But that doesn't mean life has been silent!

In the past month, I have changed jobs. In the past month, I have sold my house and bought a house. In the past month, I turned a year older. And I have had to say goodbye to one community and say hello to another.

Today an old friend got in touch with me unexpectedly and we talked about life, and the past, and God, and what we struggled with then, and what we struggle with now.

I talk a lot about not being a hypocrite. I talk a lot about honesty and identity, so much so that you would think I had this stuff down pat by now.

Nope.

But my phone call today with an old friend reminded me of something great: who I am, at my core, is good. Very good. The problem is, especially in the Christian community, we try to be someone that we aren't. Someone that we think is better. Someone more "godly" except - we don't really try to be more godly, we just try to be more "religious."

To talk the right way. To be submissive. To be always agreeable. To be quiet. To be - someone I'm not.

I am loud. I am defiant. I challenge authority. I question. I wonder. I wander. But all of these things - in the hopes of knowing God even better than I already do. In the hopes of knowing the real me even better than I already do.

When did this happen? When did we get told that we aren't good enough? That we have to act a certain way to be accepted? That we need to pretend to be wise, and perfectly calm, and steady, and strong?

I hope that you do your thing. I hope that you look in the mirror and see someone amazing. I hope that you don't make a mental checklist of what needs to be fixed. And I hope that we all continue to see God in ourselves. If it's one thing this past month has taught me, it is that people love me for me. They really don't love me when I try to be the person I think they want me to be.

It's not as complicated as I like to think it is. But simple is HARD. Simply put, I need to allow myself to be seen. The real me. Not the me that I have invented in my head to look better and sound better and act better. The me that wants to get out and be known.

So, yeah, You too. You be you. And do your thang. I feel that fire kicking up in me again so watch out for the near future.

-Liz

"If you don't like what they're saying about you...

Mad Men premieres TONIGHT!
(See what I did there? Talk about a
timely blog post.)

....then change the conversation."

Don Draper is so tragic. But so wise.

I have noticed lately how we can live our entire lives fulfilling what people say about us. I have noticed how for some, this is a blessing. For some, this is a curse.

Who in your life do you listen to? Who do you lend your ear to and who gets to speak into your life?

I am a recovering people pleaser. I say recovering, because I have realized how so many of my friendships in the past have been about the other person and not about me. I pinpointed this one night when I was explaining my lack of desire to open up to others to a group of friends.

"I just don't want to offer up information about myself that much." Yes, I said it in that wording. To which my friend said "Maybe because you consider sharing something you have to offer up, like it's painful to let go of it. When the reality is, people just want to know you."

Hmm. I have been unpacking that statement for years since. Wait a minute, people want to know me? Like, the real me? The me that I am when no one is looking? The me that I am when my guard is down? The me that I am when I am exhausted and emotional and just need to vent?

Yes, world, that is true. There are people that want to know YOU. The problem is, you are too busy being someone you're not because you think that's what people want. This fake, got-it-all-together, perfectly manicured, exhausting person that you project.

I know that, because that's what I think too. I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of pretending like I have it all together. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, all of it. That mask is getting very, very heavy.

I propose that we change the conversation. Maybe drop the small talk once and a while and say deadly statements like "You know what? I'm really struggling" or "I can't lie to you, I don't have it all together" or even "I need your help."

Does that scare you as much as it scares me? Good...so when we start doing that to each other, we will both be gentle knowing that we have to do it, but we're afraid of it. And we can be afraid together.

-Liz

Angels and Demons

I have come to realize something in my weight loss process (or, my weight gain process depending on the week):

There are two voices always battling for my ears.

One tells me over and over again: "You can't change. You should quit. This is your lot in life. You were meant to be this way. Give up."

The other one tells me over and over again: "You are new. Today is a new day. I don't even remember what happened yesterday because we are looking ahead. You got this."

Now it is clear to me who those two voices belong to. They go by many names in this world. The most epic of movies and television shows are based around the battle between them, but here we all are, stuck in the middle and wondering who we should listen to.

When I put it plainly, the choice is clear. Duh. What idiot would listen to someone that says you should give up and that you're stuck? I can answer that. See, when that voice is tied directly to my emotions, my emotions win every time.

At least, that's how it used to be.

If you are anywhere near as emotional as I am, let me give you a painful piece of advice: your emotions are not the truth. They will betray you, and they will get the best of you.

But there is good news. I have a pretty great way to fix this. Ready for it?

Let someone into your emotional life. Let someone into those deep, dark, scary lies that you know are lies, yet you still find yourself believing as truth.

That directive has been a battle for me. I have let some people in that have helped me heal, and I have let some people in that have cut me even deeper. But like most things in life, we have to experience bad to have the good.

So be open to experience. I am fighting for myself in this regard right now. I am fighting the desire to wall myself up with alone time, but I know that's not what God wants for me. You and I were not meant to go it alone. So even if you shoot me an anonymous message and need an ear, I have two of them.

One is already reserved for you.

-Liz