&

I ran 10 miles today. My brain was full,
and the time passed quickly. Side benefit
of overthinking everything in life?

I am 42 years old. For as long as I can remember, I have been told that being gay is a sin and I would have to choose my relationship with God, or my true identity. So for my whole adult life, I hid who I really was and never pursued a partnership with anyone. I chose God and denied my desire to share my life with someone.

When I had weight loss surgery in July of last year, I finally dealt with the one thing that had separated me from the rest of the world around me. I finally addressed the life long challenge that felt impossible to conquer. I realized I had no reason to hide anymore, that it would be terrifying to come out for all the reasons I remained hidden my whole life. What would my church friends say? What would my old Young Life friends say? What would my YMCA co-workers say?

I am a gay christian. I am gay, and I am a christian. And. Not or. I am wrestling with what the Old Testament says about me. I am wrestling with what the New Testament says about me. However, I am not wrestling with what Jesus says about me.

When I started telling my friends in July that I was gay, I was embraced with open arms. I got the classic responses of "DUH" and "what took you so long?" and "how long have you known?" to which I always answer "how long have you known you're straight?"

I had a wonderful coming out experience. Last week at the church I attend, the pastor gave a sermon on how same sex marriage is wrong, and if anyone in the congregation is struggling with a same sex relationship, they offer counseling to help people with that. I was at church with my partner, and the pastor's sermon only made me hold her hand tighter.

That church sermon was the only time I felt shamed since coming out. Therapy wouldn't turn me straight just like therapy wouldn't change my skin color or my gender. It is not a choice to be gay. No one would choose this life. It is lonely, and difficult, and heart breaking to think I have to be alone in order to honor God's call on my life. I hid for 42 years. I chose to hide for 42 years because I had well-meaning christian leaders that I trusted preach the same message I heard last week.

My partner and I are staying at this church. After the sermon this week, we had strangers come up to us and hug us, saying they were sorry for the message and that it doesn't represent the congregation. My partner talked to the pastor afterwards and let him know how offended and judged we felt, and that we didn't think he represented the views of the congregation. The pastor was kind, but had nothing to say.

This week at church, we walked in together holding hands. And we are staying at this church rather than choosing to run away because of the people in the congregation. The teenagers that might be struggling with their own sexuality, the older couple with a gay son or daughter wondering how to love them like Jesus does, the interracial couples that fear being judged themselves. We are staying because we love the people, love the message, and love the challenge.

I am a Christian. And I am gay. And I don't want to be ashamed of either of these parts of my life anymore. It's amazing what a little courage can do. And a lot of support.

And. Not or.