Rookie Rash

Remember my friend Sandy that I told you about? (check this post for background) Well, Sandy wouldn't give up on asking me to go out with her on a ride. A real ride. With cars and witnesses and potential for death.

We scheduled a date. Well, I did that thing where I was half-heartedly like "how about next weekend?" to which she said "I am riding 60 miles on Saturday with my friend who is training for the Ironman, but what about Friday?"

At this point, I am wondering how the hell I can get out of this. I am going out on my first bike ride with someone who uses the term "Ironman" so casually in conversation. To say I felt in over my head is an understatement.

"Friday, sure, how about 3pm?" And I clicked the send button. And with that sent email, my fate was sealed.

Last night I was nervous. This morning I had my training session and told my trainer how nervous I was. She said "Don't be nervous! You won't fall. Well, you might fall." And that was the second time someone told me "You're gonna fall, just be ok with it. Probably a few times."

Great.

So Friday is here. I had no excuse to not meet Sandy at the local bike shop to go out on our ride. Seems like a good place to meet, but imagine - going to the BIKE SHOP and trying to RIDE A BIKE in their parking lot. But it couldn't be that hard to ride. I mean, it's phrased "it's just like riding a bike" for a reason, right?

Wait for it.

I think this is called "Rookie Rash"

 I get there, Sandy is there, so excited for me. She even put beginner pedals on the bike for me so I wasn't clipped in. The seat was good to go, and off we went. Well, off she went. I got on the bike, was overcome by awkwardness, started to pedal in the parking lot (yes, right near the front of the store where people were perusing the bikes on the sidewalk) and whoop whoop WOP. Down I go, right in front of the bike professionals. It was one of those sloooooow falls. I knew I was about to fall, I was falling, falling, fell.

But Sandy was not phased. "Let's ride around the parking lot and practice shifting!" So we did, for about 30 seconds. And then Sandy said "Time to go!" "Time to what?" I asked. But before I could say no, we were off into traffic.

Don't worry, it just got better from there. I was two breaths away from telling her that I didn't want to do this. I wasn't ready for this. I don't think I'm capable.

Sound familiar?

We didn't ride very far, in my opinion. But Sandy was the most encouraging person ever. The whole time we rode, she was just chatting with me and would talk about beginners and how out of shape most  people are that they can't make it half the distance we went. And then she said something I'll never forget:

"But you're so in shape, I'm not worried about you at all!"

Who was she talking about? I legitimately had a moment while I was riding and wondering "did this woman just say I was in shape? I must have heard her wrong?"

This is post-ride. Pre-ride I was in no mood
for photos.

I have had some moments in the past year where I simply cannot believe that this is my life now, that this is who I am now. And today was absolutely one of them. The ride was great. It was challenging, scary, and there was one time a car came so close to me that I thought I was going to fly into a ditch. But it was exhilarating and I was so glad I got out of the parking lot.

I guess my lesson for the day is: how many things do I talk myself out of because I am afraid? How many things do we not try because it's easier to stay in the mediocre middle?

The other lesson for the day: everybody falls. So, get back up.

-Liz

Don't steal the title.

I was in church on Sunday during worship, and I had a thought that I know wasn't my own, because I don't want to do this:

"Write a book about your battles with your weight."

The last thing the world needs is another book about weight loss. But the first thing the world needs is someone being vulnerable about pain and heartbreak and loneliness and insecurity. And then not being afraid to face it.

So I think I'm going to do it. And I think that if I share that on here, it might hold me more accountable. And I think that maybe someone out there knows someone who knows someone that might be interested in this.

Lastly, don't steal the title. Well, the working title:

"Worth the Weight." Oh never mind, some cheesy lady already stole it. Ok, I'll think of something better.

-Liz

Giving up.

All around me, I am seeing a trend that is disheartening. Inside of me, I am seeing a trend that is disheartening. It's a slow fade, so you don't notice it until it's pretty late in the game. It will creep up on you and it will scare the crap out of you one day.

Giving up.

There is a blog I've kept up with for a long time that I can't get to anymore. It's a weight loss blog where she lost over 100 pounds. Why can't I get to her blog anymore? Did she give up? Did she let one lost weekend turn into a lost week turn into a lost 6 months and before you know it, she is back to where she was?

There is another blog I've kept up with where she hasn't blogged for over a year. The last entry was titled something like "starting over". But she didn't start over. She gave up. No more blogs, no more weight loss tips, nothing.

Off the grid.

I see it everywhere I look right now. The little slip that turns into a fall that turns into the thing we all dread. Giving up. Not getting back up. Just quitting entirely. Quitting is easier. And I think I know why.

If I quit on myself, I am believing the lie that I am not worth saving. And again, this doesn't have to be all about food for you. For me, it is. If I give in and let food be my best friend again, I might as well admit that I don't believe I am worth it. I can't do it, so before someone else says that, I'll prove it to you myself and just quit.

Spring is here. This is a new season of life. I need some new motivation just like you do. But I have a pretty cool thought that you might connect with.

I just planted perrenials in my backyard. They will bloom in the spring and summer, and in the fall, it will appear as if they die. in the winter, they'll lie dormant because they are preparing to come back alive in the spring. Four different seasons that my plants need to continue to grow. Four very different seasons. Four very TEMPORARY seasons.

I need to change my season right now. I feel like my weight loss progress has died, but really, it has been laying dormant in preparation for the next thing. But I need that next thing to get here. I guess it can't until I let it and fully get on board. I never believed I could get this far, but I did. Now do I believe I can get even further?

-Liz

You never know who's next to you.

Another picture from Peru with my girl CB.
I figured a random recent photo is better
than none, right?

This morning I was on the spin bike, doing my thing, next to a woman that I have seen at the Y for years. She is fit. I would call her super fit. Spandex bike shorts, sweating like a beast, and just...getting it.

So me and, we'll call her Sandy, strike up a conversation about cycling. You see, Sandy has wanted to take me out cycling with her for a few months now. She has seen how much I've like the spin bike and wants me to try it in the real world.

Today, I confessed my fear to her.

"Is it because you are afraid of traffic?" No, I said. That's not it.

"You don't need to worry about the cars, I'll take you somewhere that's very safe and we'll be fine!"

That's not it, I tell her. That's not my fear.

"Well, what is it?" she asks. "You are in shape, I see you here all the time, you can handle yourself, no problem!"

I then proceeded to tell Sandy what I was afraid of. I told her about the last time I was on a bike.

"Oh, you've ridden before? Then this will be no problem!"

The last time I was on a bike, I was about 90 pounds heavier. It was a task for me to just keep moving on flat ground. I was winded, self-conscious, and a little defeated by the fact that small children can handle a bicycle better than I can.

I told Sandy that I still feel like that girl.

And instead of her telling me "No, no, you're not! You're new! This is gonna be great!" she told me her story. Unprompted, this super fit, spandex bike shorts wearing, sweating like a beast Sandy told me about how she was overweight her whole life until she joined the rowing team in college. She told me about how her husband's whole family is overweight and they tell her all the time that she can't understand what it's like to be big since she is so fit. They have never known her as an overweight person.

She told me that everytime she hears someone make a fat joke she feels it in her heart.

You see, that super fit, spandex bike shorts wearing, sweating like a beast lady next to you at the gym didn't get there magically. She works her ass off. Just like you're doing. She struggles with her weight, just like you do. And she shares our pain.

The coolest thing about all this? As Sandy was pedaling beside me, I looked down and saw a super fit, spandex bike shorts wearing, sweating like a beast person next to her. And I got really excited to be a Sandy for someone else.

-Liz