You just have to go through it.

Last night I went through my closet to start getting rid of clothes that no longer fit. I tried on almost everything I had before putting it aside for Goodwill. I thought about events I wore certain clothes to. I thought about how long I had certain outfits, the friends I was with when I wore them, and how I have kept things for so long because they were too small and I now hoped I could fit into them. And here I was, missing that window, and now passing those clothes on to someone else.





I dreaded going through my closet. I'm not exactly sure why. I wanted to keep the door shut and not go through it. But when I woke up this

morning, I realized why I was so afraid to go through it: 

What if I gain all the weight back and need those clothes again?

I have been through this before. About 5 years ago, I lost 80 pounds. Then, due to a long struggle with a back injury, I had two back surgeries within two years and gained almost all the weight back. At my smallest, I gave all my clothes away, and swore I would never gain the weight back. Then I did.

That's part of the reason I sought surgical help to lose the weight and keep it off. I couldn't do it alone. And as the weight is coming off, there is still that fear that one day, it will come back on again. The fear is not logical, but that small voice is always there.

It is easier to go around things than go through them. It is easier for me to keep my closet door shut and not face the past, or fear the future. But easier is not better. I just have to go through it. When faced with pain, we have that fight or flight reaction which can be visceral and subconscious. But, I am practicing the art of being present, to let others into this struggle with me. I am choosing to fight. To go through it and not around it.

So, I am taking these clothes to Goodwill. And I am staring at an empty closet. But as a wise friend told me, this is not a phase. This is a beginning. I am finding so much value in living in this moment, and not worrying about tomorrow. We just have to go through it. Not around it.

A fork in the road.

Sometimes a seemingly unimportant decision can change everything.

So I finally broke my stall with the scale. I am moving in the right direction again, and eating has become a little easier. I am able to tolerate cheese and dairy, and it is nice to chew again! Those protein shakes were starting to get a little boring.

I am down about 55 pounds, and I can really see it. And when I don't see it, other people see it in me. Like I said in my last blog, I am learning to trust my friends. So when I still feel like that hopeless fat girl that can't lose weight, I trust the process. And I trust my friends.

This whole thing has brought up so many raw emotions for me. In the past, when I felt emotional, I would stuff it down with my favorite foods. And then I would feel the discomfort and the guilt. And I would get emotional. And stuff it down with my favorite foods. That's the cycle.

But now, I couldn't do that even if I wanted to. My body would reject it. So instead, I am going outside and walking. Or working out, or lifting weights, or just (shocker!) letting PEOPLE into my emotions, and not just food.

A friend has challenged me to run a half marathon. When she asked me I certainly thought "Me? You must be texting the wrong person." But yesterday, we went running. It was the first time for me to be running outside in years. But she stayed with me, and we made it happen. It's amazing what happens when you don't go through life alone.

Half way down the trail, God showed me unconditional love in the form of the friendliest fawn and her two babies. Yes, I pet the deer on her head. Yes, she was licking my arm. No, that's not photoshopped.

How do I know it was God? Because God is in the details. And God is unconventional. And God knows that I don't pay attention. So He came near. And He made yesterday matter. This seemingly unimportant decision to go running with my friend brought me to a fork in the road. And I chose not to do life alone anymore. I am choosing to do life with others. And God came near.

It is much easier to think you can do it alone. Take it from me, I am independent to a fault. You can't. And honestly, easier is not better. This. This is better. This is an adventure. And what fun is experiencing adventure alone?

The half marathon is in March. I signed up today, terrified but faithful. Because my friend is with me. That's how I know I'm going to be ok. We all are!

Trust your friends.

So I had my follow-up one month nutritionist class yesterday. My program is great because surgery is not the end. I have follow-ups for about a year that include everything from blood work to nutrition counseling to therapy. And thank God for that because I have been inside my own head quite a bit in the last month.

At the end of class, you meet individually with the nutritionist. The conversation went a little something like this:

Nutritionist: "So, how are you doing?"
Me: "Pretty good. I can still only tolerate three shakes a day and I'm not doing much solid food."
Nutritionist: "What do you think the problem is?"
Me: "I don't know, it took me about an hour to eat a greek yogurt the other day, My body just wasn't interested."
Nutritionist: "Yeah, that's part of the deal. You just need to be patient with yourself."
Me: "Story of my life. I still feel like I am the medical anomaly that this surgery won't work for because I've been stalled out with the scale."
Nutritionist: "You are at the the three week stall. It happens to everyone. Your body has gone through trauma and it's trying to recover. How's your support system at home?"
Me: "Well, I live alone but my friends have been amazing. People have been taking me for walks, working out with me, and really encouraging me."
Nutritionist: "And are they seeing progress in you?"
Me: "Yes, my friends keep telling me my face changes weekly. It's hard for the fat girl in me to believe it's working!"
Nutritionist: "You should trust your friends."

Mic drop.

You know this whole thing is not just about weight loss. It never was. When you choose to live a healthy life and choose to take your life back, all kinds of amazing things begin to happen. For me, when I decided to be vulnerable, let down my walls, and let people in, my life completely changed. We all walk through life in self-preservation mode. The problem with that, is that walls keep bad things out sure, but they also keep the best things out too.

I don't know about you, but I want to live a life that is open and available to the good and the bad. I would rather love and be hurt than never experience love to begin with. And that is all about trust. My nutritionist in all her professional glory is right. I should trust my friends. I should trust my friends with the most vulnerable parts of me. Because I am learning, that's the best stuff of all.

Fight for yourself.

I went back to work yesterday, thankfully. I am four weeks out from surgery, and I feel good. Some days I feel like I got hit by a train, though. I get tired pretty easily which, I guess is what happens when you only take in about 500 calories a day.

The weight loss has been rapid since surgery. My clothes are baggy and my face looks noticeably different. The scale has been an encouraging indicator, too. Until this week.

Oh, the scale...

My doctor warned me about the stalls that come with this process, and I am in the middle of one. I hit 49 pounds lost and I was PUMPED to get to 50 pounds down and counting! I was losing about a pound a day and chugging right along. Until this week.

I am stalled. I have been stalled for about 5 days now. And here's what happens in my brain when progress (any kind of progress) stalls.

I guess it didn't work. This is as good as it will get. I won't do any better than this. Oh well, I gave it a good try. This might have worked for other people, but not me. I quit.

And phase two of that defeat is to go back to old habits, old relationships, old ways of life. Somewhere deep down, we all fight those demons that tell us we don't deserve better. We don't deserve happiness like we've never known. We don't deserve love like we've never known. We don't deserve life more abundantly than before. Why do we allow those demons to win?

The scale puts my brain in that scary spot.

In the past...a defeating number on the scale would send me into the arms of Ben and Jerry's. Or Sara Lee. Or Burger King, or whatever. But not this time. I am fighting for myself. I refuse to go backwards, to sabotage myself, to settle. I didn't come this far in my life to throw it away over a speed bump.

Stalls are a part of life. But we have to work through them, because we deserve everything that waits for us on the other side. Everything. Stay the course. Let people into it with you. Fight for yourself.