I can only go up from here.

Today was a turning point.

My roommate left for the day to do some work stuff, and I fell asleep. My nap was terrible. I don't typically nap because they just leave me groggy and blah for the rest of the day.

This particular nap was, in a word, sucky. I have been sick for about two weeks, and have sort of slipped into a depressive state of mind. My eating has been crappy, no workouts for the past four days, and just feeling terrible. So this nap was a bad idea, I have just been SO TIRED lately.

I had weird dreams. Bad dreams. Not the scary kind in terms of bizarre things you can't control, but scary in the terms of feelings and emotions that put you right back into the past. The dark parts of your past.

So I woke up hungry and thought two words: Dunkin Donuts. My roommate was gone, I was alone and lonely. So what do I think about in those emotional states? Donuts. Maybe you think about something else. Same emotion, different vice.

Donuts.

I'll be honest, I had keys in hand, about to get in my car and head over there. I wish I could say I immediately knew it was a bad idea and I stopped myself, but it took a while. It took a few hours of wrestling with my past to stop me from hitting that drive-thru. That's why I think today was a turning point. I ate lunch here, I got myself together and I got in the car.

But I didn't hit the donut shop. I hit the Y. And then Kroger and got detox foods that I needed. I need to turn this around. Today I had a choice to live in the dark, certain past, or try again in my bright, uncertain future. I hate that this food thing still has such a strong hold on me and I've been in this process for a year. But I can't fool myself either, thinking that this isn't a problem for me anymore and I can get slack about it.

I can only go up from here.

-Liz

Big people, lonely world.

Yesterday was rough for me. Just a ROUGH day. I am trying to figure out what really happened and what put me in my funk, but honestly I think it was just that regular realization I get that this weight struggle will NEVER be over.

Part of me feels bad that my closest friends, even my best friend, can't understand what I am going through. The reality is that, if you don't struggle with being as overweight as I have been in my life, you just don't get it. I'm sorry to say that my thin friends (who still struggle with weight like almost ALL of us) just simply can't understand what I am going through.

It is a lonely world if you are big.

I am not where I used to be, but I am not yet where I want to be. This place is perhaps the loneliest place of all. I realize what I want, and I am working on getting it, but I am lost in the journey. It's a slower process than I had hoped. My workouts are great, but my battle with my eating is greater.

So my big question right now is, how do I keep after this thing without letting it consume my life?

I wish I knew. I wish this blog ended with a big high five and a revelation. But it doesn't. Either way I go, if I get too extreme, it is an obsession. I can't explain how much each and every day of my life right now is spent thinking about my weight and where I have been and where I want to go. I have trouble enjoying where I am right now because I still don't feel successful. What's up with that? And if I let it go and don't concentrate on my weight loss, I will gain back what I worked so hard to lose. What's the answer?

Why am I harder on myself than I am on other people? Why am I so unforgiving of myself when I am so quick to forgive others?

I ordered a women's jacket from Columbia last night, size XL. I tried it on and it didn't fit. Meanwhile, my best friend tried on her size small jacket and it fit perfectly. Defeating, defeating, defeating. And not her fault at all. Just another reminder of my size.

It's probably not fair for me to shut people out that don't know what the weight loss struggle feels like. But I don't know any other way. They might be able to see the pain and try to love me through it, but it just doesn't help me. The annoying thing is, I don't know what WILL help me since I feel like I am in this alone.

When I figure that out, I'll let you know.

-Liz

I guess it's working?

Got this email from a new friend last night. I guess the blog is helping to connect us. That's the goal, right?

SO…at the risk of sounding like someone with no life on a Friday night…I just, through tears and laughter, read your entire blog – from the start of your weight loss journey to now. Wow. I identified with so many things you shared – your vulnerability and authenticity are refreshing. I’m not sure I could be so bold. I feel like I have so much to process. Mostly to process with the Lord, I suppose… I am feeling really empowered and really motivated. I know that I have been doing this half-heartedly and it is time that I really dive into this with everything I have – and I am encouraged by your story and have HOPE that I can do this too!! Thank you for being real…through the ups and the downs!! You are a blessing.

AND on a much less emotional and significant note…Madonna’s Immaculate Collection CD is one of my ALL TIME FAVS and I’m also a big fan of Michael Jackson – so I laughed out loud at your reference to his “You are Not Alone” – might need to listen to both of those in the next few days!

See you at the Y next week!!

That's awesome. 

-Liz

Why discipline is a dirty word

Yesterday morning, I was on the treadmill flipping through channels trying to occupy my brain while I ran. I flipped across a normally annoying Christian evangelism channel, but this time, I caught a glimpse of Beth Moore who I think is pretty awesome. Mostly because she's honest about her past and the fact that it's not something to be proud of.

The verse she was speaking on was Hebrews 12:11.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Is it crazy that this lady was speaking to me about the importance of discipline while I was on the treadmill yet again, battling this weight thing that has limited me almost all of my life?

Yeah. But God is crazy like that.

So here's my thought on this: it sucks to get up early to go running. It really does. My bed is warm, it's dark and I am tired. It is not pleasant at the time, it is painful.

You know what else is painful? Not eating Christmas Tree Cakes like everyone else is. Not stopping at Bojangles on the way home. Not having ice cream at the end of every day. Running miles at a time, going up and down flights of stairs, getting on the bike, lifting weights, doing burpees, watching the scale go up and down and up and down. 

The battle is, in a word, painful.

It was especially painful a year ago, when I started all this and had no idea where it would take me.

Later on, however, it produced a harvest of righteousness and peace for me. I had been trained by it.

Does God care about my weight? More than I am willing to admit. I'll put it this way for you: God cares about everything that affects you and your happiness and your heart and your soul. Nothing is stupid to Him if it's important to you. Because YOU are important to HIM. And that means, everything that is wrapped up in the confusing world of what makes you...you.

Why is discipline a dirty word? Why do we avoid it when God promises that it will produce a harvest of righteousness and peace for us? I think for me, for my whole life, my response to God, when it came to my weight was "God, you can have my whole life, but this thing, THIS, I need to keep for myself. You can't have it."

My battle against discipline started years and years ago when I wanted to hold on to this one thing that has kept me sick for so long. Now I am slowly but surely reversing a life without discipline and, honestly, a life of keeping God and everyone else around me at a distance.

Don't keep stuff to yourself. I know from experience. Let people in to whatever is keeping you locked away. Peace is the thing that we are all looking for. We just can't grab it sometimes because we refuse to let go of that other thing.

Let it go.

-Liz