Fear of Flying

Had a little reflection time this morning. I got back from my Thanksgiving trip to PA a few days ago. My head is spinning, still, about how different things have become.

For years, I have braved the highways and driven to PA. It's a long drive, but with any kind of holiday traffic, it's brutal. But I have never wanted to fly as an option because flying has always been...embarrassing. Is that the right word to use?

I have traveled a lot for my old job, and sometimes you just have to fly to get to certain places. But it's never been something I have wanted to do. In fact, if I am being honest, the discomfort and embarrassment of flying has kept me from adventure in a lot of ways.

This morning, I was remembering some hard memories about flying. One time, at the Chicago airport, one of the Southwest employees who was checking me in sort of looked me up and down and said "hey, just so you know, they might ask you to purchase an additional seat if the armrest doesn't come down all the way." I know that he was trying to be helpful and give me a heads up, but I was just SO embarrassed.

I had become one of those people that no one wants to sit next to on a plane. I remember being in the terminal, and wondering if people were looking at me and hoping they wouldn't have to sit next to me. I remember hoping that the seat belt would fit me.

I flew on a little puddle jumper plane once and those seats are TINY. I stuffed myself into the seat somehow,  but the seat belt just wasn't even close to coming around me. I tried to hide it from the stewardess but she knew. And without a word, she just came over and gave me this seatbelt extension thing, which is really like a double long seatbelt.

Embarrassing. More than embarrassing...humiliating. Like, the kind where you are fighting back hot tears from rolling down your face. Oof.

When I fly now, 85 pounds lighter, I can sit anywhere. I still find myself in these old habits I'm used to. I automatically put the armrest up, and I automatically take the seatbelt all the way out, and I automatically go into the window seat and never make eye contact because I don't want anyone to sit next to me.

But when I fly now, the armrest goes down. The tray table goes down and doesn't rest on my gut. The seatbelt has to be taken in, and people sit next to me. I can cross my legs, I can see the seat beneath me, and I am still so amazed. I still can't believe it. I still cry as soon as I buckle the seatbelt because I think about the girl that used to need a seatbelt extension. She was so embarrassed.

But now, she is so victorious. And you might sit next to her sooner than you think!

-Liz

The insecurity blanket statement.

Happy Thanksgiving! We survived.

I had a whirlwind weekend, but something in particular happened that, afterwards, I immediately thought "I have to write about this, because I never want to forget that it happened."

I got together with an old friend during the holidays and to be completely candid (because, that's all I know how to be) I was VERY nervous about meeting up with her. You see this particular friendship had caused me a lot of joy, but it also caused me a lot of pain. Tell me if you can relate to this story:

You are in a hard place in life. A wonderful friend comes into your life and encourages you, loves you, and supports you in ways that no one else does at the time. But it doesn't last. Womp womp. And so for longer than you are willing to admit, you struggle. You might chase that friend, you might unfriend that person from Facebook, you might pretend you don't care. You might do a number of ridiculous things.

All in the name of insecurity.

For fear of completely embarrassing myself, I may or may not have done some of those things with this friend. But I know now that this friend was never the problem. Sure, I was hurt by her, and sure I was left with questions about what went wrong but what was the real problem?

Insecurity. Duh. And quit acting like you don't know what I mean.

The past year has taught me more than I can say. I am a different person today than I was on November 24th of last year. And I am not even CLOSE to being done. When you get a hold of that thing that holds you back the most, it allows you to move mountains. My mountains were formed from deep insecurity. Now, as the scale is moving, the mountains are moving. And this is nothing short of miraculous. I have a weight issue, but I have a bigger heart issue.

So I hadn't seen this friend in years. And the last time we saw each other was really painful for me. Was  it dumb for me to agree to see her? What if we had nothing to talk about? What if that old insecurity came back and I took an emotional trip right back to the dark place that I used to be in?

All of those big questions aren't as scary as this one: What if I just don't put myself out there?

I had a friend tell me once "I don't trust people. They just hurt you." Well, that's an option I guess. But that also means you are robbing people of the chance to truly know you and be known by people that WANT to know you. Is that any way to live?

Ok, so I met my friend. And before you know it, the conversation was honest, full of forgiveness, and sweeter than I can explain. I lost interest in the past because I simply knew that both of us had grown in huge ways and were discovering that our own insecurities were the reasons we acted tough or distant or apathetic or absent.

What it made me realize is this: the very insecurity that might keep me from a great friendship is the very same insecurity that might keep someone else away from me. It just comes out in different ways for different people. And the more I chased this friend and tried to force a friendship in the past, the more it just didn't happen. And that was by design. My insecurity makes me rush, makes me think things that aren't true, makes me put unrealistic expectations on my friends. My insecurity ultimately leaves me alone.

But the irony of all of this - and this is what I learned from my friend - this same insecurity leaves all of us alone. Separated and afraid to admit what's really happening. Is it possible that someone else battles insecurity just as much as I do?

So, over a meal, we compared notes and we found similarities that are still freaking me out. I had no idea, and I will forever be grateful for how open and honest that conversation was. It was truly one of the only times that I know of that I felt like guards were down, hearts were open, and the past was forgiven.

I have no idea where this particular friendship will go, but I do know that there was a reason that it took us four years to get together. And it was worth the wait.

That was my thanksgiving. How was yours?

-Liz

Defense Mechanisms

Last week I was in the stairwell, running a set of stairs with my trainer. She likes to ask me deep philosophical questions right when I am in the midst of cardio meltdown. Needless to say, I rarely answer but just tell her "DENTIST!" which is our code word for "I clearly can't talk right now, I can barely breathe and you did this to me so cut it out."

But this time, I really had to answer.

I've managed to keep progressing through some setbacks. I hurt my neck and back pretty badly a few weeks ago, and the steroids I was on made me want to eat everything in sight. Add that to not being able to work out at the level I am used to, and it was an emotional setback in a big way. Once you start to eat whatever you want, it's hard to stop. It opens a floodgate and I could see into a dark future of gaining 80+ pounds back right before my eyes. So, it took some soul searching and major self-discipline to turn that around.

So there we were in the stairwell and my trainer said something like "Ok, so you are recovering well and have made it past some serious obstacles that would sideline a lot of other people. Everyone is commenting on how great you look, but I know that will start to slow down as you are staying in this new size. Where are you in your head now that you are at this point in the process?"

Loaded question. LOADED question. Because what my trainer probably doesn't know, is that I think about this all the time. And I mean ALL the time.

So I had a prepared answer.

It's funny you should ask, I told her, in between my gasps for air. I have been thinking about this a lot.

I remember, word for word, what I told her, and here it is:

"Before I started this whole weight loss thing, I was a people pleaser. And losing weight has allowed me to move from being an unsuccessful people pleaser to a God pleaser. I no longer judge my self-worth on other people's opinions of me."

The greatest thing about all this? I meant it.

And that conversation has got me thinking about defense mechanisms. The things that we all do to keep other people away. For some of us, it's weight. See, my weight was a physical barrier for me to keep the world out. For others of us, it's how we dress, or sarcasm, or how we misuse affection, or a number of other ways that we keep people at a distance.

Fear of being hurt makes us do crazy things. Stupid things. But guess who gets hurt the most in the process? When I don't let people in, this also means that I can't get out. There I was, living a pretty isolated life. Alone in my bubble, with food as my reliable companion.

Now I know that food isn't a friend to me at all. What is that thing, for you, that is keeping people out and keeping you locked in? Would you be willing to step out with me into a scary world of freedom?

Don't you think it's time? See, the door can be opened by someone else. But you have to be willing to walk out.

-Liz

Celebrate good times...WITH FOOD!

(it's a celebration...)

There's a party going on right here, a celebration, to last through out the year.

Ok I'm done.

Let's play a little word association game. I think it will teach you a lot about me, and maybe a little about you.

• Let's go to the movies! (Oh, we're getting milk duds, popcorn, and a big DIET coke.)
• I'm bored! (let's order a pizza.)
• I have a cold and just feel sick. (let's make monkey bread.)
• We just got paid! (where we going to eat?)

I could go on and on and on, but that would hurt your feelings.

I think I broke the cycle of my bad eating yesterday. I remember it was like, 10pm, and I was on the couch thinking "I could really go for a bowl of Lucky Charms." Ok, not a TERRIBLE decision, but not a great option either. Instead, I thought "I am not really hungry, I'm just...watching tv."

I didn't eat the Lucky Charms. Instead of exercising my hand to mouth, I decided to exercise my brain. How would I feel tomorrow morning if I ate a big bowl of sugary cereal late at night?

I went to bed hungry. But I was suppposed to. Today I woke up and felt great about the previous night. Food hangovers are just as real as the alcohol kind! What that tells me is that my body rejects too much food just like it rejects too much alcohol. At the time, it feels great. The next morning it feels terrible.

So, I am learning how to celebrate in other ways. Yes, food will always be a part of our lives, especially with holidays and family time, etc. And there is no reason why we can't celebrate with them. But I am seeing how my celebrating can go too far. When we are learning about patience, it just takes a while!

And truly, we are going to be in this journey together for a LONG while. And lately...this makes me smile. That's how I know we're getting somewhere good.

-Liz

Guilty.

I work at a place that encourages health and wellness. This has been a great motivator for me. We even have initiatives to get healthier foods in our meetings, gatherings, and break times.

We are now, however, in the midst of a campaign to raise money for kids in our community that need the Y but can't afford the Y. So almost every night, we have these call nights where volunteers come in to call members and raise money with us. And almost every night, I am here helping out. Therefore, almost every night, I overeat. You should SEE the food that we have here during this campaign.

I thought I had a handle on the food temptation. I thought wrong. Last night we had Danny's BBQ here and I LOVE Danny's BBQ. Their potato salad is amazing, their coleslaw is on point, and their shredded pork is perfect. So I ate a really full plate of it. Ok, I ate two really full plates of it.

But that's not all! I also had some of this chocolate buttery toffee saltine bark that someone made. I had to physically remove myself from the room (several times) to stop picking at it.

Ten minutes after the feeding frenzy, I was painfully full. We're talking "too much turkey on thanksgiving" painfully full.

Why do I do this?

Today I am struggling with the guilt of last night. I guess it was a bender to an alcoholic. A one-night-stand to a sex addict. It's what "Under the Bridge" was written about.

Guilty as charged.

So today I got up and I worked out. Hard. Like the kind of working out that has now put me into an all-I-want-to-do-is-sleep state of mind. But I need to try harder to break this cycle. I am well aware that I am inspiring others, and that is amazing. It is also pressure like I have never felt before. So as I see myself taking missteps, I have to stop this backsliding and get back into the game. I'm not sure that I have both feet in like I used to. Is there some place deep in me that's not fully committed?

Guilty.

-Liz