Fat Girl in a Thin Girl's Body

I have had some unbelievable conversations with people this week. My head is all over the place. But the common thread of all of these God-focused, wondering questions is this:

Will I think like a fat girl even when I approach my goal weight?

I know. Saying that is socially unacceptable. It's not politically correct. I'm not meaning to be disrespectful, and I kind of think I can use this terminology because I have carried the fat girl flag my whole life. But just roll with me here.

In my life, as a fat girl, I have fought these perceptions and thoughts. I have thought this about myself, and I have heard people say this to me

• I got this way because I don't care about myself.
• I have to be funny to be liked.
• No one can understand how I feel, so I shouldn't bother.
• My problem is worse than anyone else's problem.
• I am lazy.
• I can't change.
• I will never be loved.
• I will always be alone.
• I'm gross.

Yikes. That's a hard list to admit to. But here's the thing: when (not if), when I lose 100 pounds, I can still have ALL of these same  problems. I can still believe I will never be loved, I can still put myself in this self-imposed loneliness where no one can come in. I can be a fat girl in a thin girl's body.

See, we can fix the outside all we want. We can quit that, we can start this, we can lose weight, we can buy that, we can learn whatever. But the inside, the heart...is still the same. Someone that I love and respect, who I consider to be naturally-thin, said to me this week "It really hurts me that you won't let me into this with you. I know that you feel like I could never understand, but that's just not fair." And she was SO RIGHT.

I am not at my goal yet. That doesn't really matter. I am not a "thin girl" yet. And even that doesn't matter. Let me tell you how I feel now:

• I care too much about myself to stay this way. So does Jesus.
• I don't have to be funny to be liked. I am dearly loved by Jesus. (being the funniest person I know is just a side effect of my bad-assness)
• People want to know me. More importantly, Jesus knows my every struggle and darkest places of my heart and loves me more than ever.
• My problem is a challenge, and an opportunity to see Jesus in the midst of pain.
• I am not lazy. I am choosing victory, one day at a time so I don't get overwhelmed.
• I can change. And I have. And I will continue to.
• I am already loved. I was loved before I was even born by the Creator, by my Dad.
• I am never alone. And I will never be alone.
• I'm gross. (only when I burp, and that's just some people's opinions)

You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same. You are amazing, God.

-Liz

You can't do it alone. You'll try, but you'll fail.

Today's a big day. Today I went down a t-shirt size in my "official" Y tees.

Now, this might not be a big deal to you, but consider this: I have worn a 2XL t-shirt since high school. Yes, HIGH SCHOOL. For most of my shirts, I even had to do that trick where you stretch em out, you pull em out, you make sure they are baggy around the stomach area, all of that, so that people might not notice that you wear a 2XL. I know some of you are nodding your heads in agreement. Preach on, sister.

But right now as a I type this, I am wearing an XL. I can't believe it. And even more than the scale, this seems like a huge victory. Not only that, it's an XL that I didn't have to stretch out, pull out, and manipulate to hide my bulging stomach.

This morning I was taking a group fitness class. Kickboxing. And as we were doing the 13,000th jumping jack, I looked around and had a pretty amazing reflection time on my journey so far. If I could give anyone a piece of advice, it is this: You can't do it alone. You'll try, but you'll fail.

See, I have tried this weight loss thing for 15 years. Alone. And I even lost weight with a friend a few years ago, but when that friendship hit some very rocky ground, you can guess what I turned to. Food has been my constant companion my whole life. So, I have learned that, when I am alone, I will fail. Most of us try to do big changes alone because we are tough. We are embarrassed. We don't want people to know what's really going on. News flash - people WANT TO KNOW YOU. And chances are, you're not being as secretive as you think you are. People know you need help. And you can't do it alone.

If you're really trying to lose weight, heck, if you're really trying to make any change at all, you need to surround yourself with accountability. And here is my top ten practical list, which might give you a place to start:

1. I have a trainer who weighs me in every week. She sees my weight. YES, that was the scariest thing in the world a few months ago. Lots of tears. But LOTS of hugs, and lots of accountability.
2. I have a few work out friends. We do group fitness, or we run together, or at the very least, check in with each other every week.
3. I use myfitnesspal.com and track my calories and exercise. Free app for your phone. It's the bomb.
4. I meet with two women every week over coffee and donuts (just kidding about the donuts). We are all in the weight loss journey, and we talk about struggles and victories and the book "Made to Crave".
5. I host a Made To Crave bible study at my house on Thursday nights.
6. I keep a food journal with my best friend. She is naturally thin, but she loves me and wants to be in this with me, and it really, really helps. When you let someone know your struggle like that, it takes friendship to this level you would not believe.
7. I write this blog. Which, believe it or not, keeps me CRAZY accountable. I can't just quit and continue to share in this journey that would be an epic failure, now could I?
8. I gave away all of big clothes. No safety net.
9. I don't go thru drive-thrus. Ever. I know my limits. The danger of them asking "Is that all?" - that question is always answered with, "Well, what about another cheeseburger, sure!"
10. I commit myself to Jesus every single day. Every day. Letting go of this stronghold in my life has been quite a struggle, but God knows me better than I know myself. And He wants in. Write about it, pray about it, read about it, just be alone with God.

Maybe one of those will help you get started. Let's face it, we all need to get started on the path to something. And taking a friend with you assures you can get there.

-Liz

Thanks for the memories, Facebook

A funny thing happened to me on Facebook this week.

My favorite place on earth is Lake Champion, a Young Life camp in Glen Spey, New York. I met Jesus there in high school, have worked there for several summers, and have seen some of the best high schoolers I know learn about Jesus there. I have unbelievable memories of that place starting in 1993 (yes, I am that old, and am now realizing that some of you weren't even born yet).

So, Lake Champion has been posting old pictures from camping on their Facebook page. One of my friends tagged me in this gem right here. It's from 1993, I was 17, and there for five weeks volunteering one summer. The same day I was tagged in the photo, one of my friends from work posted this: 


"Wow! Look at you there! You look amazing in just a couple of short months....keep up the good work!"


I can only assume...she thought this was a picture of me that was taken a few months ago, pre-weight loss journey. Two GREAT things about this mistake: 1. I am thinner now than I was in high school and 2. I am aging REALLY well. I mean, REALLY well.

It did put me in a wonderful place of reflection. This morning I took a few hours to hike in Umstead Park, to listen to God, and to reflect on where I have come from. It's amazing. I found this picture, taken a few years ago, and I barely know that girl anymore.


We have to remember to reflect in the midst of these adventures we are on. Otherwise, we'll forget what God has done. Have you ever been sick, and you think "If only I felt better...God, this is the worst." But then you get better, and you forget how great it is to feel good? We do that to God, too. We forget His blessings, we forget His mercy, we forget His love.


Take a day to just be with God. Remove yourself from the busyness of life and reflect. You'll remember where you've come from, and you'll be reinvigorated to move ahead!


-Liz

Doing some professional reflecting in Jamaica last week.

When friends just don't understand

Just got back from our weeklong missions trip to Jamaica, that's why I have been silent. But trust me, my mind has been racing with thoughts of God, life, process, weight, forgiveness, friendship, accountability, expectations, perfection, and reality.

Are you as exhausted as I am reading that list?

Today, I weighed in with my trainer and, to date, I have lost 61 pounds! DANG! I am so excited, especially since I ate everything in sight while we were in Jamaica. But it certainly got me thinking about food and my social life. I thought I would share some well-intentioned words I've had from friends recently:

1. Have this brownie, you have been working so hard! You deserve it!
2. Don't let this weight thing affect your social life.
3. I think you're taking yourself too seriously.
4. You're going to be so pretty!
5. Hey trust me, I'm trying to lose a few pounds myself, but I don't let it affect my time with friends.
6. Just substitute chips with some delicious carrots! They have the same crunch and satisfy your desire to snack! (this one is my favorite...)

Let me repeat, these are words from my well-intentioned friends. Friends that love me and want to encourage me. They are not trying to beat me up, tear me down, stop my progress, or hurt my feelings.

It is, however, a reminder, that my naturally thin friends just don't understand. And I cannot fault them for that. How could a sober person understand an addict? How can I make them see that food can be an addiction just like anything else? So...I smile, and thank them, and go on my merry way, but inside, it does feel lonely. It feels unfair, it feels isolating.

But today I am living in this 61 pound victory. Today I am celebrating being able to fly on an airplane with the armrest down and the seatbelt having extra room. That is a victory that some of you can relate to, but some cannot. To be comfortable in a world that has always felt too small for me is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I can't wait to see what's next.

-Liz