Victoria, We've Got Our Own Secret

This is an article from our friend Ryan Beckler at Penn State. The original can be found here. If you are too lazy to click (and some of us are), here it is below:

Given what November has been like, last night was pretty usual. I covered a panel discussing the scandal, then I picked up D.P. Dough on the way home. I got home around 10:15 p.m., and, like millions of other American men, I flipped on the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I sat down, started watching, and opened up my computer.

About 30 seconds in, I saw one girl and thought, “Wow! She’s really… skinny.” She wasn’t the only one. I kept thinking, “She’d be much more attractive if you put another 15 pounds on her.”

A commercial break allowed me to check my social media streams. I was pretty shocked at what girls were posting/tweeting:

• “BRB, starving myself. Thank you, VS fashion show.”
• “Victoria secret fashion show = going to throw up to make myself look that good!”
• “NEVER. EATING. AGAIN.”
• “Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.. now I feel like a whale =[ “

Huh? What the hell? Something is seriously wrong here. I quickly realized that this is a BIG American issue. Young ladies in high school and college are striving to have these razor thin bodies. So I guess my question is, what is the motive? If you think you’re impressing men with pointy hips and no butt, I have some bad news: it’s not attractive. I’m sure the male population is behind me when I say that we prefer curves.

Now, my mother raised me to be a gentleman. A real man just wants a girl to be herself, physically and socially. We like you for who you are, not for who you aspire to be. Nothing is more attractive than a woman who’s confident and comfortable with who she is. Also, the ability to have an intelligent conversation is much more important than your dress size to us. Believe me when I say that.

Ladies, you may ask, “So, Ryan, what if being myself isn’t good enough for him?” Guess what? He’s not worth a second of your time.

With all of that said, I hope that you understand that there’s really no need to strive for that famed “Victoria’s Secret Angel” body (if you already have it, good for you, but there’s no need to make it your aim). The American generalization that you’re not perfect unless you’re 6’1” and 115 pounds is false, shallow, and wrong. You’re perfectly fine as is.

I’m not just saying that, either.

So please, ladies, keep eating. We’ll still love you. Promise.

Beautiful, Scandalous...weight.

"Even the skinniest girls struggle with their weight."

Yeah right. I've never believed that. Probably because I've never been skinny. Ever. Today is a milestone for me. I've lost 35 pounds in 3 months, and I am the thinnest I've been since I can remember recording my weight.

I'm not bragging about that. But I am about to tell you how I got there. And how I will continue to get there. Ready?

I believe whole heartedly that I was created for more.

Yes, I changed my eating habits and workout routine, but the change that has been the hardest was shifting from the fat girl defeatist mentality to the new creation in Christ mentality.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, she is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come." - 2nd Corinthians 5:17. Is it possible that God cares about my weight? I have found that  it's not only possible, it is an absolute truth. I don't know what weight you are, or what thing is holding you back from accepting love. For me, it has always been my weight. Always. It is this barrier that surrounds me from letting people in. But you know what I realized? Not letting people in is the same thing as not letting me out. I was stuck, and I was the one in isolation. Ultimately, I am the one that has gotten hurt the most.

God wants to make me new. Every day. He wants me to know that I am loved completely, at any weight, at any size, at any color, at any mistake. So I could lose 100 pounds tomorrow, and until I believe that, I will struggle at 150 pounds just like I would at 350 pounds.

Your weight struggles, your performance struggles, your fear of letting people in, your loss of a relationship, your pain whatever it may be, all comes from the same lonely place of not knowing what you're worth. When we believe we are worth it, we will do a lot of crazy things. We will leave a bad relationship. We will stop stuffing our feelings down with food. We will quit drinking. We will go to church for the first time. We will accept a compliment. Whatever it is.

You are amongst the community of broken people finding our way to wholeness. You are at home, and you are not alone.

-Liz

Walking Alone in America

I am thinking about writing a book on loneliness. Specifically, loneliness in America.

Henri Nouwen says that "while the rest of the world lives off of $2 a day, the greatest American poverty is loneliness."

It's my biggest struggle. And it's a struggle that doesn't go away. I can't run from it, I can't hide from it, I can only walk towards it and through it, praying that this time won't be as bad as the last.

Why is this America's greatest poverty? I'm not sure that we have learned the value of community yet. I am not a world traveler, I have only traveled to one country outside of the U.S. and that's Jamaica. But what I learned there, I am sure, can translate to the rest of the world. Those that are poor seek wealth in their community. In relationships. We are so rich in resources here in America that we don't have to rely on anyone. But isn't that the lie that we all believe?

I don't know about you, but I see my community seemingly unable to love each other in the way that Jesus calls us to. Do you see people carrying each others burdens? Bearing with one another in brotherly love? Giving away our money? Sharing our resources? Sharing our homes? Having church that lasts as long as it takes, and maybe past the sixty minutes that people are comfortable with?

Here is the hope I found. And I read it from, you guessed it, Henri Nouwen. "Our moments of deep despair and loneliness are actually a call towards solitude with God." Our world is loud, entertaining, comfortable, excessive, and unbelievably lonely. In your moments of loneliness, God is right there with you. That feeling in your gut of despair and longing for comfort is your heart crying out for your Dad, your Creator, your Lord. You will want to ignore that fact, because when you believe it, your whole heart will change. Your world will be rocked. And your loneliness will lose power.

Walk towards God in your loneliness, and stay with Him especially when it's uncomfortable. The longer you stay, the more the despair will fade and make room for hope. And hope does not disappoint.

-Liz

You look great! Keep going!

Me, Rich, Ryan, and Austin in a 5k back in March.

I've been doing this weight loss thing for a couple months now. I have lost enough weight that people notice. Coincidentally, I work in a place where there are a LOT of people in and out, and most of them are on a quest to get healthy. So it's a topic of conversation.

I guess it's no surprise that it's hard to take a compliment. It's hard for us to just say "thank you" when someone genuinely compliments us. The surprising thing for me is that, as I am searching for motivation every single day, I receive motivation in the form of a compliment yet my gut reaction is to reject the compliment. Here are some of the responses I have given lately:

• Thanks, but it's a slow process.
• Yeah, I have a long way to go.
• Ugh, this is only the beginning.
• I don't feel great, I didn't lose any weight this week.
• It's going to take me forever to reach my goal.

Why is it so hard for me to accept what I am looking for? I pray for motivation and God gives it to me. But instead of accepting that gift, I lessen it, I adjust it, I make it manageable for me to take in. My terms, my way, my excuses. Because, what if I don't keep going? What if I fail? What if I don't meet the goals that I set for myself? Now that people are noticing, I am on display. I can't screw it up. I don't want to be embarrassed. Did you notice how many "I" statements I just wrote in a row? Too many. Too freaking many.

It's not about me. It's not about my way. If I tried it God's way, I would be gracious. If I tried it God's way, I would be patient with myself. If I tried it God's way, I would rejoice in the small opportunity to glorify God when people ask me how I'm doing this, because I'll be honest...I have no idea how I'm doing it some days. That's how I know that someone else is in charge.

Seems like God might have a better idea of what I need than I do. So for all the people that have said kind words to me lately, thank you. Thank you, thank you. And yes, I will keep going! We all will!

-Liz

To tweet or not to tweet?

I have a feeling that I am not the only one that has typed out a status update on Facebook, was about to hit return, and paused. Pause. Should I really write this?

I also have a sinking feeling that most of us type out one of the below ten things and let the tweets fly. There it goes. Into the world and ready to make waves. But as it turns out, these waves are capsizing people all over your little corner of the internet.

Is it revolutionary for us to start being responsible for what we put out into the world? HECK YES. And chances are, you've broken a lot of these rules, and so have I, but let's just put pride aside and admit that all of us need to change the way we use the technology beast.

1. Countdowns. Countdowns to your wedding, your move, your birthday, your graduation, your anything. Your countdown updates are our groans and eye rolling. The ones that you know and love already know the dates that are important in your life. The rest of us just feel like our lives aren't as exciting because we have nothing to count down to.
2. Angsty song lyrics that are actually about your ex. We all know it's not just song lyrics. And we are all wondering if your ex has seen it and what other public fallout will ensue. 
3. The sarcastic update. You know the one. It's the veiled complaint, the reference to your sweet life that is actually a long list of complaints because of school, family frustrations, work, etc. Wouldn't it be awesome if we were just straight up about this stuff and call it like it is?
4. The mean girl statement. You know that this status is for an audience of one: the person that hurt you. It's passive aggressive, and it's public. Bad combo.
5. Rap lyrics. Pretty much, all rap lyrics are foul play. But if it's Young MC I think that's awesome.
6. Breaking news! It's snowing! 2 hour delay! Hey, did you hear what happened at Penn State? Carolina won! State lost! We know...we know.
7. MAKE THIS YOUR STATUS AND FACEBOOK WILL DONATE 45 CENTS TO SAVE A LITTLE BOY'S LIFE! No they won't. Haven't you seen Social Network? Mark Zuckerberg is not a facebook philanthropist.
8. My team rules. Your team sucks. Do we realize that when we make sides like these, we are alienating a whole other group of people? State or Carolina, Democrat or Republican, does it matter? We are all people and we all deserve to be loved and accepted. We all have value, regardless of social or political associations.
9. The I'm gonna make you jealous tweet. I'm in the 3rd row! I just got a new car and here's a picture! Check out my new UGGS! It's painful because it's obvious. It's also painful because it does make us jealous. Hopefully, that's not your conscious intent. Hopefully, one day we won't care as much about what we have or have not.
10. The philosopher. Guilty! I am guilty as charged! I break this one all the time. My only reservation for this is that, a lot of people don't care what I have to say...until they know that I care about them.

I don't know what the next big thing will be in social media, but I do know that it's not going away. So we have to be responsible. We just do. And now, everyone can call me out when I break one of my own judgmental rules. Bring it, people! I need it as much as, and probably more than you do!

-Liz

Yes, I have an opinion. But maybe you didn't ask for it?

In light of recent events, I thought I might remind everyone that I have an opinion. About a lot of things. In fact, I am quite opinionated. I believe that there is a superior kind of peanut butter and it's crunchy. I feel strongly that you should always tip your waitress because even if she was terrible, she deserves it. I believe in holding the door open, saying thank you, giving a courtesy laugh every now and then, and that New Jersey is by far the best Real Housewives franchise that's ever been.

I have opinions. And I am realizing that these opinions, out of context, can cast judgment and alienate people. Yes, I am talking about your Facebook status options.

We have lots of options. Just today, I wanted to write about ten different things for my Facebook status but didn't. What stopped me? God. I thought about God. I thought about Jesus, specifically. He had this unbelievable way of knowing people's stories. He was the only one that had the right to judge because He was God, but He never left people feeling judged. He left people challenged, loved, and changed. Do my opinions do that? My random opinions are powerful, and can leave people judged. Especially when they are a Facebook status, or a tweet, or a text.

If you ask me my opinion, I will gladly share. Because that probably means that we know each other, and we know a little bit about each other's stories. That makes our relationship the priority over our opinions.

I guess my thought today is...what if we chose relationships over being right? What if I placed my value in giving and accepting love and not being the smartest or snarkiest person on the internet? A lot of what ifs. But unfortunately, a lot more opinions being thrown every which way.

Seriously though, crunchy peanut butter is WAY better than creamy. For that, I will not apologize.

-Liz

“So where have you been all semester?”

I didn’t even know how to respond because I couldn’t come up with a quick enough lie. The reality is that I haven’t been around. I haven’t really been that social. I haven’t made the biggest effort in the world to hang out with people. I have been intentionally keeping people at a distance.

Truth is, I get scared that people can’t relate to what I think, how I feel, or how I have changed over the past few years. It’s scary to put yourself out there, being open and real with someone, and being exposed to potential judgment.

Have you ever felt like you were so misunderstood that it would be a waste of time to let someone get to know you? I have wasted this semester being trapped in a lie and believing something about myself that just isn’t true. I am slowly starting to believe that there are people who want to get to know me and that I can’t be afraid to show them who I really am.

What is keeping you from letting people in? Maybe you’re too prideful to apologize or forgive someone close to you. Maybe you see something about yourself that you want to change, but it seems too hard or even impossible. Or maybe there is a comfort, a person or a thing, that you hold on too so tightly because you’re scared of what your life would look like without it. I know that feeling well.

But we’re not called to let our comforts and our fears grab hold of us; we are called to love. My ridiculously short life on earth is to be a result of simply just loving my friends, family, and everyone around me. I see more and more that when I choose to keep myself at a distance, physically or emotionally, I am not living out the only true purpose my life has to offer. We tend to make it harder than it needs to be, and it’s actually really simple. Just having the time to spend with someone, or even to talk to someone, could change a life. It could even be yours. So instead of hiding behind our fears and our flaws, we can be real and acknowledge the things in life that hold us back from simply loving those around us.

Maybe instead of pulling out the “I’m too busy” card or putting life-wasters before people, we suddenly become available. We reprioritize our schedules so that life doesn’t just pass us by like it has been, and will continue to do.

I know that it’s time to make myself available. No more walls, no more comfort zones. Someone is waiting for me to encourage them and to BE encouraged in return. It’s time I stop believing the lie that I don’t have something to offer, because even its just showing love, that’s enough.

And it’s not just my time; it’s your time too.

-Dee

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

Hallway Etiquette

Remember in high school when you were in the hallway between classes and there was that one other person coming down the hallway? You know them, but not that well. Or, you had some awkward interaction with them in the past and you would just rather not see them.

You know what I'm talking about. You're at work, you're heading to the bathroom, and in the distance here comes that person that you would just, rather not see. You groan under your breath. You might sigh. Do you pretend to check your phone for a text? Do you take a fake phone call?

We have hallway options. Here are a few great ones I've seen (I'll never admit to doing any of these):

1. Head down. The whole time. No eye contact.
2. Looking past the person, like there is something SO interesting behind them. No eye contact.
3. Head turned the other way. Sometimes WAY the other way. Hey, what's out the window? I don't care, it's gotta be better than talking to you.
4. Phantom phone call. Listening to a voicemail? Checking the invisible text? Yeah, you're not fooling anyone.
5. Head nod. Acknowledgement, but no words.

As I got older, I guess I thought that hallway etiquette would become more black and white. It's really not. Now, I think I tend to overcompensate. Am I being authentic? Am I being considerate? Did I just sound fake when I asked how that person was?

I would like to propose that we outlaw the "How are you?" question in a passing hallway conversation. I never stop and want an answer. What if, instead of getting the reply of "Good, how are you?" I got the sometimes painfully honest answer of "I'm actually not good, and I'm so glad you asked me because I would love to talk to someone about it." 

If someone answered me in that way, I would already be too far out of earshot to hear them, because I simply, don't wait for an answer, nor do I expect one.

When we ask someone how they are, are we just being polite? What's the slogan of MTV's The Real World? Let's stop being polite, and start getting real. And I don't mean reality show real, I mean, being willing to share pain real. And that starts with a stop in the hallway.

Who's keeping it real NOW?!

-Liz