A new kind of life.

Ok, so about three weeks ago, I really hurt my neck. And after some good meds and good doctors, etc. I am back on the grid. And I am SO EXCITED.

I ran yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and it felt so good, that mid-run, I was clapping and fist pumping while listening to Macklemore (buy the Heist, it's AWESOME). It just felt great to be able to run again.

I can't tell you the last time I said "It just feels great to eat beyond feeling full again."

You know when you are eating GREAT food, and you just can't stop? Think Thanksgiving, but just on like a Wednesday night. You're not celebrating a holiday with friends, you're just watching Cosby Show reruns and trying to eat a whole pizza so there aren't any leftovers.

It never feels good.

I guess what I am learning these days is that, while the scale isn't moving as much as I would like it to be, my heart is moving faster than I can keep up with. For example: we went to this Food Truck Rodeo in Durham (BULL CITY!) last weekend and it was so much fun. SO MUCH FUN. To try different foods and not feel guilty is still sort of a new experience. I ate a lot of crazy foods (think chicken and waffles, shrimp po' boy, barbeque, dumplings, etc.) but I didn't eat a crazy amount of these foods.

Enjoying food without letting it consume me. Imagine that.

So the new phase for me is patience, enjoying friends and family and even FOOD. Food will always, I repeat, ALWAYS be a struggle for me. But it doesn't have to consume my life to the point where I am resigned to Luna Bars and kale shakes (been there, done that). At the other end of the spectrum, I can't allow myself to go back to that place in my head where food equals love, acceptance, socializing, celebration, etc. etc.

Here come the holidays. But the good news is, God has already prepared that time and place for us. All we have to do is trust that He won't let us be tempted beyond what we can bear.

I think that's in the bible.

-Liz

Here we go!



Locopops.



Hushpuppies are better when shared.

Fair hair.

Life on Pause.

About a week and a half ago, I was in class, and we were about to go down and do some burpees. No problem. I've done them a thousand times. But on this day, problem.

I immediately felt a sharp pinch between my shoulder blades and my upper back and neck sort of seized up and I couldn't do anything. For the following week, I stretched, I kept doing cardio, taking Aleve, and I kept hurting. Things kept getting worse and I started to have numbing sensations and weakness down my arm. Time to see a doctor.

I went to a back specialist that I have seen before. The cool thing was, I saw the same doctor that I saw 5 years earlier when I had thrown out my lower back. It was amazing to share my journey with her and how I had hurt my back. 5 years ago, I hurt my back just getting out of bed too fast. This time, I hurt my back doing burpees.

Progress?

Anyways, after x-rays and some pt appointments, I don't know anything else other than I have tweaked my neck. I didn't really care what my doctor was saying when she was explaining things to me. I was just waiting to ask the only question that matters:

"When can I work out?"

She explained my limitations and offered me some possibilities. The recumbent bike! Walking!

Lame.

And apparently, my face was saying what my mouth wasn't. She said "As I am telling you what to do, I can tell that you aren't going to pay attention to me, and you need to."

Ok doctor, you win.

But really, I do see that God was putting me on pause for a few weeks. He is using this frustrating situation to slow me down. I am slow, indeed. Yesterday I broke down. I cried at work, I cried in the car, I cried at home. I was inconsolable. All I wanted to do was get back into the workout plan.

See I am afraid that, if anything changes in my daily life, I will gain weight. And that scares the CRAP out of me.

Last week in my prayer time with God, I prayed "God, please show me how to live." And in a clear voice, He responded to me.

"I already have, but you don't want to do it My way."

That's true.

So God is using this time that I am on pause to remind me how to live. To have patience. To find joy in the struggle, and to lear my perspective. I have no idea if I am going to gain weight through this injury and restoration. But I do know that this weight loss thing is not temporary, and I need to embrace that truth always. Always.

I suggest hitting the pause button every now and then. You'll be surprised by what you can hear when you find a way to quiet the world around you. For me, I was able to hear God more clearly than ever.

What about you?

-Liz

Freaking donuts.

Before you ask...yes, I have permission to share this story.

So, I work at the Y, and one of my co-workers, Patrick, has an office that he shares with our personal trainers. In this office, is a scale. So in this office, there are a lot of frustrated tears, but there is also the occassional celebration.

But as Patrick says, those celebrations are few and far between.

The other day, we were asking Patrick about what it's like to share the office with all these clients that are weighing in with their personal trainers. He accounts the story like this:

People usually tell me it's ok, that I can stay in there while they weigh in. I don't want to stay in there! I've made that mistake enough. These people come in there and the trainers ask how their week was, and the people complain that it was a hard week for whatever reason, and that they couldn't stick to their eating plan, so they get on the scale and they just moan and groan at whatever the number is. Why are these people surprised when they don't lose weight? I mean, quit eating those donuts!

Oh, Patrick.

Needless to say, Patrick is tall and thin. He has been working out like a pro. He's pursuing a healthy lifestyle like so many of us. Where Patrick and I are very different, however, is that he doesn't seem to struggle with the donut issue like I do.

Freaking donuts.

"Quit eating those donuts." Why can't it be this easy?

Because for me, it isn't just a simple donut. It's comfort. It's nostalgia. It's my friend. It never changes. Old reliable.

Some people say food is fuel. I say, food is friendship. But that is changing.

I am not yet at the point where I don't miss my old friends. This past weekend, I hung out with my old friends and it was AWESOME. For about thirty seconds. And then it was terrible. But it opened my eyes. What am I doing? Why am I trading my health, happiness, and community for donuts?

Secret eating. Shameful eating. The thoughts that enter your head:
I've had a long day. I deserve this. I just want to relax. I need a break from everyone.

Lies.

Quit eating those donuts. Maybe one day, that will seem easy. Maybe not. But definitely, I will reclaim my true worth, and I will start over every single day, knowing that those freaking donuts do NOT determine my worth.

-Liz

I'd rather be a drug addict.

Sometimes.

Wait, don't freak out. Don't get offended. Or, you can get offended, just hear me out.

I was in the stairwell today, on #4 of my 50 sets of stairs. My brain has been spinning lately with how SERIOUS my food addiction is. When I'm in a beige on beige stairwell and have nothing but time, my brain works overtime.

I think about the past. I think about where I'm at. Mostly, I beat myself up about regrets. I've been thinking about something a lot lately that I finally am able to articulate.

I'd rather be a drug addict.

Yes, an offensive statement. But here's the thing: if I was a drug addict, it would be clear that I needed to stop using drugs. My community would rally around me. I could avoid drugs, get treatment, work the program, and stay clean and sober.

Not true for us food addicts.

I can't stop using food. My community doesn't rally around me. Some do. Some just don't get it. I can't avoid food, I am making up the treatment as I go, I am working my own program, and sometimes I am clean and sober.

For food addiction, there aren't clear answers really. Should I never eat processed foods? Is any food ok as long as it's in small portions? And what about holidays? Birthdays? Nights out? Celebrations?

You rarely see groups of people celebrate someone's birth by gathering around a big batch of crystal meth. Yet, I am in the presence of birthday cakes and blooming onions and high fructose corn syrup more than I care to admit. All in the name of celebration.

Drug addicts can avoid their normal spots. Alcoholics can avoid the bar. How am I supposed to avoid - the world? Especially where I live, I can think of any food imaginable and drive less than 5 miles to get it. This process is tougher than I ever thought it would be.

Drug addiction is serious. It ruins families. Kills people. Breaks relationships. Causes heartbreak, isolation, despair, and loneliness.

Newsflash, my friends... so does food addiction. I think I am one of many that can attest to that. So take it seriously. We are in the battle for our very lives. Amen?

-Liz

Growing Pains

"So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers,  to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." - Ephesians 4

I've been off the radar for a few weeks. I had a few life changes happen. New job, trip to see a friend during her dad's funeral, family drama, (insert your excuse for letting things slide here.)

I've been working out, but I have also been eating kind of whatever I want. Nothing crazy. Just Mexican food here, pizza there, meals that I really should stay away from. I lost sight of the goal. I have gotten comfortable with my 82 pound weight loss. And to be honest, I lost my mojo. I lost the fire.

I got tossed back and forth by the waves. Not even big tidal waves. Little waves that most people can't even surf off of. Stupid little ripples. A dinner party here...a sore back there...a long day deserving of ice cream, whatever it was...it wasn't worth it.

What are the waves that are tossing you around? Why are you letting them? Why are WE letting them? I guess my real question is...when will I grow up?

Can we all make a decision to stop letting our circumstances rule our emotions? Or, as Reverend Run once said: "Don't let your happenings determine your happiness." I want peace. Don't you? And I don't think that peace should come ONLY WHEN EVERYTHING ELSE LINES UP AS IT SHOULD. Just like I don't think God deserves only my leftovers: my leftover time, my leftover money, my leftover thoughts.

I'm experiencing growing pains this week. I have a feeling that I'm not the only one.

-Liz