THIS...is your American Idol.

I'm reading a book called "Gospel" by JD Greear. It's a great book, and I'm not surprised by how much it's teaching me about the power of the Gospel. I am surprised, however, with how much it's teaching me about the power of food.

The chapter I just read was about idols. An idol is something you worship, we all know that probably. But what we don't know, is what it means to actually worship something in practical terms. For instance, do you know how to identify idols in your life? Here is the "Idolatry-Detector" Test and how I realized that food is, absolutely, my idol. Fill in the answers:

1. What one thing do you most hope is in your future? What is it that, without it, life would hardly seem worth living? (Mexican food. No, seriously, I used to be right there.)
2. What is one thing you worry most about losing? What one thing could you just absolutely not get along without? (Again, El Dorado. No, I really, REALLY, miss it.)
3. If you could change one thing about yourself right now, what would it be? (Whatever you come up with, you probably want to change that thing because you think that if you did you'd be so much happier. For instance, if I lose 100 pounds and the only thing I've learned is that I need smaller pants, I'm in big trouble.)
4. When do you feel the most significant? (The answer for me is - when people love and accept me...and because I will never reach a 100% approval rating, I have used food to keep everyone else at a distance. See the power struggle?)
5. Where do you turn for comfort when things are not going well? (Ummmm...duh.)

These are a few of the determining factors when it comes to idols in your life. Is food our American Idol? It sure seems like it. Arby's advertises "Good Mood Food." Cracker Barrel advertises "Comfort Food." What is the one room in the house that people tend to gather? The kitchen. We use food to comfort us and put us in a good mood, when all it is doing is stuffing down emotions that need to be dealt with. Food lasts for that ten seconds of flavor, and leaves us with an emptiness for life.

Why are we so outwardly focused? Why are we obsessed with how we look on the outside that we don't spend nearly enough time on the inside? I would challenge all of us to identify our idols. Is it a relationship? Is it a sports team? Is it your job? What is one thing that, if it was taken away from you, would devastate you beyond repair? What is your foundation?

Whatever it is...is God better?

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” - Matthew 7

How did I reward my fifty pound weight loss?

By going out for wings.

No, I am not kidding. Is it sort of like an alcoholic celebrating sobriety by having a beer? Yes. BUT...here's where I know things are different for those of us with food issues: an alcoholic can stay away from alcohol. A drug addict can stay away from drugs. A gambler can stay out of casinos. An addictive relationship can be avoided by simply avoiding that person.

What are those of us with eating issues supposed to do?

Where I live, there is fast food everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE. The first few weeks of my weight loss journey, I took a different route home from work so I could avoid passing my old favorite foods. They make it so easy. I mean, I don't even need to get out of my car to get what I love. If that's not enabling, I don't know what is.

I could confess my wing night dinner with a heavy heart and a guilty conscience. Or, I could be honest and tell you...having that cheat meal felt REALLY great. Yes, my friends were fun, and the wings were amazing (Rudy's has the best wings in the Triangle, hands down). More importantly though, when I left the restaurant, I knew that was a cheat meal, and that's it. I left it there, and I didn't think "oh, here comes the backsliding and I'm about to gain all the weight back that I lost."

See, a few weeks ago, my mental state was "if I cheat, it's over. If I even taste a Big Mac I'll gain all the weight back and then some. Don't mess up. Ever." Last night, I can honestly say that my mind has finally shifted to "I made a poor food choice, but it's ok. Tomorrow is a new day, and I AM NEW!"

So today, I got up. And I ran 3 miles. And I sat in the sauna with my friends and sweated out that wing sauce. And then I went about my day.

And THAT, my friends, is a big deal.

-Liz

Fifty Pounds in Four Months!

I have dreamed about being able to say this. I have wished that one day, I could share this. I have worked really hard to confidently state this sentence...
I have lost 52 pounds in four months.

How many weeks has it been since September 13th? How many calories counted, miles ran, hours on the treadmill, bicep curls, flights of stairs with my trainer beside me, Luna bars, bananas, Nalgenes, journal entries, prayers for patience? How many questions for God? How many coffee conversations with women that have gone before me? How many tears along the way? How many doubts? A lot.

My purpose for this blog is not to brag, although, this is the best thing I can ever brag about. My purpose for THIS blog is to tell you (even though you hear this from other people and don't believe it) that if I can do it, you can DEFINITELY do it.

Whatever "it" is. For most of us, it's weight loss. For ALL of us, it's believing that we are worth fighting for, and that we have a Saviour that wants to save us from ourselves. I am so glad that I can tell you that I have lost 50 pounds. Holy crap. But I am filled with joy to be able to tell you that what I am gaining, is worth FAR MORE than what I am losing.

Amen.

-Liz

One week to see God?

It’s amazing how one week can change you. I left the US on December 26^th skeptical of religion and faith.  While I am no stranger to philanthropy and service trips, a mission trip was a completely different story.  When Dee asked me to come on the trip to Jamaica I was excited at the opportunity. She told me that it was a mission’s trip, so I should expect to pray. I was nervous but eventually decided that just because everyone else was praying didn’t mean I had to.

To say I was out of my comfort zone in the first two days of the trip would be a huge understatement.  I was an agnostic on a missions trip in a foreign country with a bunch of strangers…yeah that sounds about right.  The second night when Dee asked me how I was feeling I said I was on “Jesus overload”.  Even in the first two days I had been exposed to more prayer than I had in years.  I was skeptical of faith, and felt uncomfortable praying to a God I wasn’t sure existed with people who were so sure He did.

After hearing Jim and Penie’s passionate stories about how God had come through for them when they needed it most. After talking with other members of the team and the staff about faith and how drastically different their faith was to how I perceived faith.  After interacting with the children of Petersville and Gully Bank and seeing the joy in their faces as the pickup and van pulled up, or how proud they were when they got a math problem right. And after visiting the infirmary and hospital where patients asked me to pray for them, something was changing.  By the middle of the week I began to have a curiosity about God and Faith and by the end of the week caught myself praying with the group.

Something happened during that week that I cannot explain, so I won’t even attempt to.  I can’t claim that I am now a great Christian with an unwavering faith in God, because that would be a lie.  I can claim that, in all likelihood, I wouldn’t have any curiosity about faith if I hadn’t gone to Jamaica.  Maybe I’ve been feeling my life being pulled towards philanthropy and helping others because God’s at the other end of the rope. Who knows?

All I do know is that the week I spent in Jamaica was one of the most eye-opening and happiest weeks in my life.  The people of Jamaica stole my heart, and they impacted my life just as much as I hope in impacted theirs.  I hope I can keep my mind and my heart open to the possibility of God and faith back at home.

Until next time Jamaica, I know I’ll be back.

- Nicole (Nickels)

“What I do you cannot do; but what you do, I cannot do. The needs are great, and none of us ever do great things. But we can all do small things, with great love, and together we can do something wonderful.” – Mother Theresa

A letter of encouragement

I got an email last night from my best friend. She knows me better than anyone, and she knows I was struggling. What I love MOST about her, is Christ in her. I read this email earlier today, but it just came to me that, it is a PERFECT letter of encouragement for most of us that are weary and tired of the weight loss journey. Please insert your name all over it, and know it is from God to you. Enjoy!

Today is a new day.

Today, you might have annoying temptations like yesterday. But today, you are new. God created you for more. And the devil exists so that he can steal your joy. Think about this: when you are focusing on the curses of what you can't have and how it's not fair that you can't do what other people are doing like eating whatever they want, you're letting the devil win and consume your time with potentially good opportunities to bless people and encourage yourself. I know you want that crappy food, but you see that it's not what satisfies people, and even you.

It might seem annoying, but keep your focus on the good things that are coming from this journey. You are changing aspects of your life you never dreamed of! and you're inspiring people that are watching your progress, people that you don't even know their last names. YOU CAN DO THIS. and when it feels like you can't, give it completely to the God that created you and knows your deepest struggles. Because while you can't eat that meal at El Dorado, someone is struggling with even bigger life issues. that we can't even fathom. God gave you a beautiful body that He wants you to treat with respect. You know better. I believe in you so much. Keep going, you're SO CLOSE TO 50!! its a HUGE DEAL!!! keep up the amazing work, and changing lives while you're doing it. So proud to call you my best friend.I FREAKING LOVE YOU!!

NOW KICK ASS TODAY!!!!

You heard the woman. Go kick ass today! JUST today. And tomorrow, we will deal with it when it comes!

-Liz

When is this going to be over?

Do you ever have one of those days where, you just want the healthy eating and the calorie counting and the exercising to end? When it's raining outside, and you've been in a meeting all day, and you leave that meeting around 12:15 and pass a buffet of mashed potatoes, fried chicken, sweet tea, biscuits, and everything else that you can't eat but everyone else is piling onto their plastic plates so high that the plates are BENDING IN THEIR HANDS.

Sorry, was that too specific?

Today is that day for me. Today, I want to eat everything in sight. Today, I don't want to run. I don't want to eat another banana, I don't want to be positive, I just want to be done. I want to wake up tomorrow and have lost all the weight I want to lose so I can be done.

The problem is...I'll never be done. A friend reminded me of that and it felt like a brick in my stomach. My healthy eating and working out will never be done. Even when I lose a hundred pounds, it won't be done.

A few years ago, I did Weight Watchers. I lost about 40 pounds. Then I had some personal issues that put me into a dark place, and I gained most of that weight back. See, in my dark place, I'm not alone. I bring my sweet and salty friends with me for comfort. And they comforted me all the way back to 300+ pounds. Some friends they were.

Why will this time be different? When will I be done? When can I eat whatever I want and not work out and take it easy and eat like everyone else? Never. Really? Never?

I don't get that yet. I haven't let go of my old friends yet. I guess I feel like I will see Ben, Jerry, Sara Lee, Ronald McDonald, and Wendy again. And we will hang out like we used to. Today, I want to hang out with ALL of them. I am just praying that tomorrow, I will realize that they were never my friends.

We'll see.

-Liz

Dear Diary

On September 21st of last year, I wrote in my journal (which I affectionately term Dear Diary) a list of things that my weight has limited me from in my life. Some things are obvious. Some things, to the world of regular sized people, are not so obvious.

For instance, did you know that the seats at the RBC Center (Raleigh's big stadium) are super skinny and I didn't used to be able to fit in them at all? Or that there are some fast food restaurant booths that don't really fit someone of my old size? (I know...another great reason to not be in a Taco Bell in the first place. Duh.)

And other fun things that the skinny world can enjoy that I had to worry about - horseback riding, airplane seats, kayaking, skydiving, shopping at the mall, on and on and on - these are things I have always tried to avoid. If I avoided them, I could avoid the fact that I was too...heavy.

So back in September I realized...I need to take the power out of those things. That list of things won't elude me aanymore, and I will accomplish my goals. If I listed them out, I could, along the way, cross off the things I did, or saw a difference in, as I lost weight.

Here's the list. Some of them are funny, I know. I am highlighting the things, along the way, that I have been able to do as I am losing weight. It has really helped me to give myself a new rewards system. Instead of food being my reward at the end of a long day, I can now look forward to a pedicure, or a massage, or buying smaller pants! That's my tip for today, I guess...if you have used food as your primary reward, replace it. The sooner that happens, the sooner you break that cycle of rewarding yourself with the thing that got you in this mess in the first place.

I am pretty close to reaching a BIG milestone for me...losing 50 pounds. Stay tuned.

- Liz

Guilt is a great motivator.

I woke up this morning feeling super blah. This transition back into my daily life from Jamaica has been hard. An annoying reality for me is that the food and eating and weight part of it has been the hardest. All of a sudden, I am right back into the obsession of my body, my progress, my insecurity, my fear of failure.

It's funny how, when we're hurt, we think no one can ever understand. And because we feel that way, we decide to separate ourselves, pull away, and lock ourselves into this self-imposed prison of despair and unrealistic sadness.  So I start feeling guilty. I feel guilty about being so wrapped up in my problems, I feel guilty for not logging in my food journal last week, I feel guilty for eating that small piece of cake at Christmas dinner.

I feel guilty. And I am finding that guilt is a great motivator that I use against myself, and against others. But the way it bites you back, is that it makes you worse off than you were before.

When someone hurts me, do I make them feel guilty by withholding love from them in the hopes of teaching them a lesson? When someone doesn't call me back, do I make them feel guilty by withholding forgiveness from them? When I eat something I shouldn't, do I let that guilty feeling carry me through the rest of the day, since I already blew it that day? And since that day is ruined, why not take the week off? And before I know it, I am my own biggest critic. I have lost my identity and security. I have guilted myself into believing that I am not worth more.

I am worth more than this. And so are you. So let's all agree to stop letting guilt motivate us to hate ourselves and give up on ourselves. This stupid cycle has to stop.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come." - 2nd Corinthians 5:17.

YOU ARE NEW! I AM NEW! Every day, every decision, every second does not have to affect the next. Don't let it. Don't let the dark past ruin your bright future.

The old has gone, the new has come.

-Liz

The blog I don't want to write.

So, I went to Jamaica last week on a missions trip. I ate whatever I wanted. I didn't count calories, I didn't control my portions, I didn't obsess over my food intake, I didn't look at my body too long in the mirror everyday, my journal entries weren't consumed with asking God about my weight loss process, my impatience, my struggles, my insecurities.

My days were filled with people I love, kids that needed to be loved, community that needed care and attention, and the sick and the elderly that needed to be touched.

When it comes to my weight loss journey, my week in Jamaica has left me...confused.

When I am not constantly watching my weight, I am afraid that I am completely backsliding into old habits. When I AM contstantly watching my weight, I am afraid that I am so self-focused that I am missing what God is trying to show me.

See my problem?

For those of us that struggle with our weight, it is always on our minds. It is the underlying problem in our social situations, in our group of friends, in our homes, and in our work places. Every event I go to has food laid out lately, and now that the holidays are over and my YMCA is packed with new members wanting to get fit, I am struggling with getting back on the horse.

Last night, I had a VIVID dream that I was doing work on a pint of Ben and Jerry's. The food dreams are back, and so are my desires to attack every snack I see. When I got back from Jamaica, all I could think about was showering, sitting on my blue couch, and eating every sweet and salty American goodness that I was missing in the chicken, fish, and rice world of Jamaica.

I can't help but feel crazy selfish. I am also afraid of the scale when I have to weigh in with my trainer in the next few days. God has to work overtime in the next few days to get me back on track, and I have to find a way to not be so obsessed with my weight that I miss what God has put in front of me.

I am not kicking ass right now. I am getting my ass kicked a little bit. And that's why this is the blog that I don't really want to write, but the valleys are part of the process. I hate the valleys.

-Liz

Coming Soon...

Flew in from Jamaica last night. I have so many thoughts, it's ridiculous. My biggest thought right now is that we have a project this month to ship a container to the families in Jamaica that need clothes, mattresses, and bibles. Here is a little teaser video I did for that project. PLEASE pray about donating $50 towards a family that needs it. Each family has a container that you can shop for. Watch this awesomeness from our week in Whitehouse, Jamaica: