Where's my treat?

Man oh man, one of those weeks.

I'm inside my head quite a bit these days. My weight is a topic of a lot of conversations. On some days, this makes me prouder than I can even say. On other days, I am so self-loathing that I don't want to hear any encouragement at all, because I simply think I am not losing weight fast enough. Don't worry, I know that I am my own worst critic. And knowing, as GI Joe taught me, is half the battle.

I've been thinking a lot about food. You too?

Packaged food is so beautiful to me. Processed food looks so shiny and new. Bright colors. Expensive logos. Fancy marketing campaigns. When I run out of bananas and spinach (these two items rule my household) I have to run to the grocery store. I had to make that run today.

Oh, the grocery store. What some women love about the mall, I love about grocery stores. Food is my fashion, my addiction, my shopping heaven. So that's what the grocery store now gives me a whole lot of anxiety. Imagine an alcoholic that has to go to a bar once a week to get what they need. I have to go to this beautiful mecca of candy and donuts and birthday cakes to buy...bananas and spinach.

So lame.

My friend Nat sent me this picture off of Pinterest. I have heard this saying before. I think it's how I got to be so overweight in the first place. Food has always, and I mean ALWAYS, been my reward. I haven't learned how to replace it with something else yet. Contrary to what my trainer tells me, it is not a reward to "go for a nice long walk" instead of eating ice cream at the end of a hard day. It's just not. Don't get me wrong, I am learning to love exercise, and I am learning to hate the feeling of being overstuffed and overprocessed with my food choices, but not to the point of getting past it. I don't know if I'll ever be past it. Alcoholics never STOP being alcoholics. I don't know that my addiction will ever go away. I think I can just work towards controlling it. Not eliminating it.

So here's my grocery store tip. Stay on the perimeter. Don't go down the middle aisles. Those are the aisles filled with the processed poison that we have grown to love. But if you gotta go there, you know - to get soup or condiments or Cherry Coke Zero - do it quick. Don't meander. Because even today. I stopped at the Krispy Kreme display and stared longingly at the 6 pack of jelly donuts.

Food will never just be fuel to me. For whatever reason, this is my struggle. And God is using it to make me stronger. What makes you and I different from dogs? Food is not, and can not, be our reward. We deserve more than a treat for good behavior.

We just do.

-Liz