How honest do you want me to get?

I used to follow a blog called "365 days with the 330 pound woman." One random April day, she stopped blogging. Never to be heard from again. Why? Well, I think she gave up.

Another fellow weight loss blogger that I know lost 125 pounds. And then she disappeared, too. But she resurfaced. And she started over, after gaining back about 40 pounds.

I never thought I would be that person to lose a bunch of weight and gain it back. Those statistics were dumb to me. I would NEVER gain weight if I lost it! But I am coming to realize, the only thing worse than never losing weight, is losing it and then gaining it back.

See, it's hard work in the beginning, to lose weight. But everybody is so encouraging! And then the results start to show, and every single day, someone says something about it (some great, some awkward, but you secretly like the attention). But then after a while, you plateau. And they find someone else to encourage, and you're like a washed up teen star. Who wants to eat to numb those feelings. (Oh come on, that's just me? Told you I was getting honest here.)

Don't freak out. I haven't gained 80 pounds. But I've gained some. Enough to make my pants tight. Enough to make me worried. Enough to make me disappear from my blog. How did I let this happen? Let's just say that a back injury paired with bronchitis turned into a cheat meal which turned into a cheat summer. And I ate whatever I wanted. I don't know why. Maybe to see if I could do that.

Well, I can't. Yes, it's true. If you eat like crap, you end up feeling like crap. And those ten seconds of foodie bliss end up to a summer of regret.

See, bad eating is kind of like bad anything. You do a little something bad, then the next thing isn't so bad, and then that next thing doesn't seem as bad, and then before you know it, you're going to two different Kroger's to find the right Krispy Kreme donuts to eat for breakfast.

Yes, that happened.

So fast forward to this morning. I had my first session with my trainer again, after taking the summer off. I was nervous. We didn't weigh in (thank God) because I'm emotionally not ready for that. But she did ask me about my eating. I think the conversation went something like this:

Trainer: "Well, it sounds like you've been working out a bit less because of your back, but has your eating been ok?"

Me: "Nope."

Trainer: "Really?"

Me: "Yeah, I have literally been eating everything in sight. I do good during the day, but then I go home, and it's game on."

So we end up talking this through and she finds out I have junk food at home that I snack on at night. GOOD junk food. Like Sour Patch Kids and Klondike bars and chocolate covered pretzels. So she says six words that sent me reeling.

"You have to throw it away."

Logically, she was right. But let me tell you, when it comes to binge eating, there is no logic. There is emotion. And emotionally, it was like she had asked me to break up with my boyfriend. I realize this sounds ridiculous, but in the moment, I thought "there's no WAY I am doing that! This woman is crazy to ask that of me."



The box of junk food. I had to throw it out rather than give
it out. There was something in the trashing of it that
felt appropriate.

But in God's perfect sense of humor, as we were walking and she says this, there is an old Kinko's box at my feet. She says "take this box, and dump all the food in it and throw it out!" I protested and said "Why can't I just have a little something here and there?" to which she replied:

"You are going to eat your way through it!"

Ouch.

The logical and emotional sides of brain had a fight for about an hour. And I am proud to say, the logical side won. Today. And I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but it's time for me take my life back.

And this box of junk food is the beginning.

-Liz