Sam's Town

Submitted by my friend Sam...and then thank Sam for his honesty that should remind you that you're not alone.

19 September 2011

What is it about tragedy that makes us honest with God? I wish I knew. But every time I experience some kind of set back, I seem to see God more clearly than ever before. And while this is all fine and good, a part of me hates myself for it. I mean…why now? Why not back then, when I was swimming in blessings, in His grace? He gives me all I need and more, and even though I call myself a warrior for him, I always end up defecting to the other side. I forsake Him and try to hold my own. I soak up the world for a while and delude myself into think that this is it. But then the rains come.

I had a bad day today. The worst in a while, actually. I prayed and was more honest with God than I had been in months. And even though I loved the feeling of His arms supporting me, I couldn’t help but grimace at my own lack of faith. That’s not the kind of love He deserves. He deserves SO MUCH MORE.

I want to love God the way we all should – proportionate to His love for us. But I know that’s impossible! It’s silly to even say it. To love God as much as He loves you is like trying to climb to the moon. Or like an infant trying to raise its parent. Or like…breathing underwater, forever. It simply can’t be done.

If it takes tragedy to bring me as close to God as I was today, bring on the rain. But I’d rather just learn to love Him right. So that’s gonna be my next few months, learning to love better. I’m not gonna try it by myself either. I’m going to seek others, surround myself with more of His children and love them better too. I guarantee I will screw up again and again but as long as He keeps being my Father, I’m gonna try my damnedest to be His son, in good times and bad.

-Sam