You don't deserve this.

It's my insides! And needles. Cool.

Do you ever notice how people try to explain death and heartbreak away by blaming it on God? We don't understand why bad things happen to good people. But we don't seem to complain when good things happen to bad people, when good things happen to good people, or when bad things happen to bad people.

I'm just saying...God is not the one behind the crap in our lives. He just isn't.

But I think it's in our DNA to try to assign blame. And I've had a lot of time think about why my back is so screwed up. Why have I been sidelined for months? Why do I have to deal with this? Why me?

We pray, and when God doesn't answer immediately, we either blame God, or think "Well, I must have done something to deserve this."

I'm the first one to admit...the bible is confusing. But that doesn't mean I get to assign my own characteristics of God to match what makes sense to me. God doesn't make sense to me. Because that kind of love doesn't make sense to us. We are much quicker to assign blame to God because it is easier to believe that we deserve heartbreak instead of love.

What the heck?

This back injury is showing me that in action. God didn't "strike me down" because I didn't pray enough one day. He didn't give me this injury to teach me patience. But He is going to make something beautiful out of this crappy season I'm in. 

I get confused by that. I think God is causing me pain. When really...He is gifting me with hope in the MIDST of pain. Think of it this way - you are the victim of a hurricane that devastates you. Your home is destroyed, you lose your home and your possessions. In the middle of the storm, you are rescued, and the storm passes, and you rebuild your home, stronger than ever. God's role in that? Never the storm. Always the rescuer.

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this gracein which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. - Romans 5

I am more hopeful today, after a new treatment plan with my doctors. Today I had a steroid epidural in my spine. It wasn't bad at all! Crazy feeling. So now I wait. I exult in this tribulation, because I know that it leads to hope.

And hope does not disappoint.

-Liz