Big people, lonely world.

Yesterday was rough for me. Just a ROUGH day. I am trying to figure out what really happened and what put me in my funk, but honestly I think it was just that regular realization I get that this weight struggle will NEVER be over.

Part of me feels bad that my closest friends, even my best friend, can't understand what I am going through. The reality is that, if you don't struggle with being as overweight as I have been in my life, you just don't get it. I'm sorry to say that my thin friends (who still struggle with weight like almost ALL of us) just simply can't understand what I am going through.

It is a lonely world if you are big.

I am not where I used to be, but I am not yet where I want to be. This place is perhaps the loneliest place of all. I realize what I want, and I am working on getting it, but I am lost in the journey. It's a slower process than I had hoped. My workouts are great, but my battle with my eating is greater.

So my big question right now is, how do I keep after this thing without letting it consume my life?

I wish I knew. I wish this blog ended with a big high five and a revelation. But it doesn't. Either way I go, if I get too extreme, it is an obsession. I can't explain how much each and every day of my life right now is spent thinking about my weight and where I have been and where I want to go. I have trouble enjoying where I am right now because I still don't feel successful. What's up with that? And if I let it go and don't concentrate on my weight loss, I will gain back what I worked so hard to lose. What's the answer?

Why am I harder on myself than I am on other people? Why am I so unforgiving of myself when I am so quick to forgive others?

I ordered a women's jacket from Columbia last night, size XL. I tried it on and it didn't fit. Meanwhile, my best friend tried on her size small jacket and it fit perfectly. Defeating, defeating, defeating. And not her fault at all. Just another reminder of my size.

It's probably not fair for me to shut people out that don't know what the weight loss struggle feels like. But I don't know any other way. They might be able to see the pain and try to love me through it, but it just doesn't help me. The annoying thing is, I don't know what WILL help me since I feel like I am in this alone.

When I figure that out, I'll let you know.

-Liz