I can only go up from here.

Today was a turning point.

My roommate left for the day to do some work stuff, and I fell asleep. My nap was terrible. I don't typically nap because they just leave me groggy and blah for the rest of the day.

This particular nap was, in a word, sucky. I have been sick for about two weeks, and have sort of slipped into a depressive state of mind. My eating has been crappy, no workouts for the past four days, and just feeling terrible. So this nap was a bad idea, I have just been SO TIRED lately.

I had weird dreams. Bad dreams. Not the scary kind in terms of bizarre things you can't control, but scary in the terms of feelings and emotions that put you right back into the past. The dark parts of your past.

So I woke up hungry and thought two words: Dunkin Donuts. My roommate was gone, I was alone and lonely. So what do I think about in those emotional states? Donuts. Maybe you think about something else. Same emotion, different vice.

Donuts.

I'll be honest, I had keys in hand, about to get in my car and head over there. I wish I could say I immediately knew it was a bad idea and I stopped myself, but it took a while. It took a few hours of wrestling with my past to stop me from hitting that drive-thru. That's why I think today was a turning point. I ate lunch here, I got myself together and I got in the car.

But I didn't hit the donut shop. I hit the Y. And then Kroger and got detox foods that I needed. I need to turn this around. Today I had a choice to live in the dark, certain past, or try again in my bright, uncertain future. I hate that this food thing still has such a strong hold on me and I've been in this process for a year. But I can't fool myself either, thinking that this isn't a problem for me anymore and I can get slack about it.

I can only go up from here.

-Liz