Why not me?

I asked a friend of mine, Sarah, to write a blog post. She is 19 years old and has had fantastic success losing weight over the past year. But it was and is FAR from easy. Read this, and prepare to nod your head in agreement with her honesty and realness:

I have been overweight since about the age of 13. After my parent’s divorce I turned to food for comfort. It was the one constant I could turn to when my life seemed to be falling apart. Food was something that was guaranteed to always be there and always seemed to make me happy.

At this time my mom saw me, her youngest daughter, gaining weight and took me to a nutritionist. This was the first of many different diets/nutritionists/personal trainers that I would encounter. At this point I didn’t feel overweight. I was still extremely happy and doing normal kid things like swimming on the swim team and hanging out with friends. The thing that made me most upset was not that I was overweight, but how much my weight bothered my mom. The different diet plans would work for a short period of time, but I would eventually fall back into my old habits and gain the weight back. Looking back, I think I was too young to make a lifestyle change. I didn’t see a problem, so I had no intention to change my ways.

Now I am 19 years old. A little over a year ago I was a senior in high school and it was senior prom time. This is the event that most students dream of. For me it was the opposite. All of my friends were getting asked to prom in cute ways and shopping at the cutest boutiques for their fancy dresses. I was dreading the prom season because for one I didn’t get asked and secondly I was worried I wouldn’t find a dress that I fit into and actually liked. Prom ended up being a fun occasion, but it opened my eyes to how much my weight was holding me back. Although others didn’t seem to define me by my weight, I realized I was defining my own self-worth by my weight.

Senior prom, May 2013 - and then the same dress on July, 2014.

So, I really set my mind to making a change. I was sick of going to the doctor and getting a lecture about how my weight was unhealthy, I was tired of feeling so insecure, and most of all I was tired of being so unhappy. These things served as motivation for me to keep on track with my healthy eating and exercising.

I wish I could say that this major lifestyle change has been easy. From the outside it probably looks like it is. What makes this process so difficult is the internal thoughts that go on inside my head. I sometimes feel like these thoughts attempt to sabotage my weight loss and I have to fight against them to keep on the right track.

One thing in particular that has been an ongoing struggle on this journey is the self pity that I create for myself. I often catch myself thinking "Why me?" or "How come I struggle with weight while none of my friends do?" or “No one understands how hard this is for me”. It’s easy to just get angry at the situation and use this anger as an excuse to give up, but these questions I ask myself only lead to even more negative thoughts. For one, it is not a good thing to compare yourself to others because everyone (yes even the person that you think has it all together and seems "perfect") struggles with something. Some people's struggles are more visible than others, but no one is perfect. Another issue with this thought process is that thinking these thoughts doesn't change ANYTHING. I have learned that I need to accept this challenge that I have in front of me. Pitying myself doesn't help my fight whatsoever.

Another issue I have come to face is the feeling of embarrassment when eating out with friends. For some reason going out to eat has become a social experience. If you are meeting up with friends they seem to decide to go out to dinner or go out for ice-cream. This used to be my favorite outing, but has recently turned into a planned out occasion. When  we choose a restaurant I immediately pull up an online caloric version of the menu. I either do this before I arrive or at the table (making sure no one sees). When we order, I feel a mixture of embarrassment and jealousy. 

For example, just last week my friends and I went out to eat while at the beach. They all decided to order milkshakes- I didn't partake in this and instead ordered a water. For some reason I feel embarrassed in situations like this because I think everyone is thinking about my choice and it seems awkward. In reality I am sure no one even thinks twice about what I order. I wish I could order a milkshake, but I know the sense of guilt I would experience while drinking it would outweigh the enjoyment. In the moment this decision was not very easy, but afterwards I felt good about my choice. At school in the dining hall there is self-serve ice-cream. Often times before leaving all of my friends will get ice-cream. Instead of completely disallowing myself to partake in any dessert, I decided to create my own dessert that I enjoy and look forward to. I make a fruit and yogurt parfait with some of my favorite granola on top. With this substitution, I feel that I still get to enjoy dessert while also keeping on track with my lifestyle change.

Although these healthier decisions are extremely hard to make at times, I know that these small choices make a difference in the long run. Not having those french fries or that dessert doesn't seem like it would make a difference but those choices add up.

I know I just need to stop questioning Why and start asking myself Why not?

Sarah