From another friend of mine that I've asked to share. Check out her amazing story:
I’m sad to say that I have never known what it has felt like to be of “normal” weight. My weight has always been the topic of discussion in doctor appointments, family conversations, and peer ridicule. Each and every comment has left a scar on my heart and soul. Ironically, the more I heard (overheard) the painful words the more I reached for food. I ate to become invisible. Underneath the visible obese situation was a secret world of abuse.
After years of believing the lie, I won’t amount to anything, I began to call out to God for help. Every night was filled with deep pain, dark fear, and relentless pleas to God for help. I was utterly disgusted with myself and so was the “world”. I finally took the plunge and unleashed my abuse secret to trusted adults in my life. With the guidance of youth group ministers, close mentors, and former teachers I began to peel away each layer of the “onion” that trapped my heart and soul.
It has been the most trying, scary, and excruciating process to let the layers peel off. I have felt so exposed to the world after years of trying to hide. In the beginning of the process I would lose five pounds here or two pounds there, but they always returned when I was not looking. I felt defeated over and over. I cried out, “What’s wrong with me?” to anyone who would listen. I found myself still obsessed with food and being counterproductive. I wanted to be free from the struggle and not develop a new food struggle. I hated the trap. I longed for a battle with something we did not need to survive.
Then in 2011 my beloved Grandmother was faced with a terminal illness that brought me to her bedside until her final breath. I held on to everything she said, every smile she gave, and every breath she took. Something inside me was awoken and could no longer sit still. I promised my Grandmother that I would take care of myself in a letter I placed in her coffin. I left her grave unaware how I would keep my promise, but I knew God had a plan.
The Lord’s plan for my promise to my Grandmother started to unfold as I felt the urge to learn how to run a race. The idea of completing a running race was so totally crazy that I knew it had to have my Grandmother’s blessing. So, September 2011 I joined a walk to run class in my local community. The coach was so supportive and encouraging despite my “I can’t do that” attitude each night. Low and behold I was on my way to my first 5K on Thanksgiving. I set three goals for myself: 1. Don’t be last. 2. Finish in under 45 minutes and 3. Don’t give up. Praise be to God all three were accomplished. Go figure it was the 10th anniversary of the 5k and therefore a finisher’s medal was placed around my neck. It felt like I just completed my OLYMPIC moment! It was so thrilling. Another layer of fear was peeled off that day.
I took the 5k momentum and kept running the race with weight. Little by little the pounds were dropping and staying off. People starting making “skinny” comments everyday. I found it hard to believe them. One would think it would be easy to feel “skinny”, but I felt EXACTLY the same as I did at my heaviest. Not even buying new clothes at a smaller size changed my brain’s perception on me. All the attention made me run for the dark hole to hide again. After reaching a loss of nearly 80 pounds I gave up again. I did not know how to handle being “normal”.
Then came my first year of running anniversary as I did the Thanksgiving race again. Then again I was motivated to fight the fight. I made a new goal of completing a 10k. In November 2013 I conquered the 10k goal with a friend who decided to join me. Now I am working with my big sister to finish a half marathon in May 2015. Each day is battle not for the faint of heart. The lies I grew up with as “truth” are constantly swirling around in my head. The feeling of “this will never be finished” can be so depressing. But the unfailing grace and love of Christ with beloved friends walking along side me I can continue to peel layers off. The process is slow with many bumps along they way, but I wholeheartedly encourage to take that first step each morning. I also ask that if you see someone with a weight struggle to be kind and gentle because you never know the pain underneath the weight that devastates them to their core.
Would you be willing to share your story? Email me! The more we open up to each other, we can rest assured that we are all in it together.
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