A New Project

I have a lot of projects going on right now. Some are very personal, some are very public. I work with high schoolers, so I have that public persona, which is always a project. More kids always means you are being successful, right?

I am also learning how to accept love and give love away. That's my personal project. So personal, that I am sharing it on a blog. Nice, huh? But this particular project affects almost everything in my life: my friends, my family, my feelings of self-worth, my performance, my ability to be patient, everything.

One tangible project I have going on right now is this Buckets of Blessings thing I am doing in preparation for a missions trip to Jamaica in December. I feel such a sense of responsibility that it goes well. I talk about it all the time, I find myself selling it, just like I used to sell insurance. And then I wonder if I am selling myself in the process, or if I will perceive this to be a personal failure if I don't make it happen.

Do I realize that it's not about me? Do I know that this is bigger than me? In fact, do I know that I am not the one who gets to decide my self-worth? I am not the one that gets to decide what happiness is, what success is, what failure looks like. I am not the one who determines who is good, who is bad, who wins, who loses, who I should love, who I should idolize, who I should care for.

If that paragraph brings you relief...GOOD. If that paragraph brings you anxiety, think it through. I am not in control. And neither are you. And that should be the greatest news ever. Because you do NOT want me to be in control, and neither do I. I don't want that pressure.

I have found, lately, that the opposite of worry is prayer. And that prayer can move the hands that move the world. And my prayer today is that God would show me how to let go, to loosen my fist, and trust my life to the one that made me. That's the best project I could have.

-Liz