The insecurity blanket statement.

Happy Thanksgiving! We survived.

I had a whirlwind weekend, but something in particular happened that, afterwards, I immediately thought "I have to write about this, because I never want to forget that it happened."

I got together with an old friend during the holidays and to be completely candid (because, that's all I know how to be) I was VERY nervous about meeting up with her. You see this particular friendship had caused me a lot of joy, but it also caused me a lot of pain. Tell me if you can relate to this story:

You are in a hard place in life. A wonderful friend comes into your life and encourages you, loves you, and supports you in ways that no one else does at the time. But it doesn't last. Womp womp. And so for longer than you are willing to admit, you struggle. You might chase that friend, you might unfriend that person from Facebook, you might pretend you don't care. You might do a number of ridiculous things.

All in the name of insecurity.

For fear of completely embarrassing myself, I may or may not have done some of those things with this friend. But I know now that this friend was never the problem. Sure, I was hurt by her, and sure I was left with questions about what went wrong but what was the real problem?

Insecurity. Duh. And quit acting like you don't know what I mean.

The past year has taught me more than I can say. I am a different person today than I was on November 24th of last year. And I am not even CLOSE to being done. When you get a hold of that thing that holds you back the most, it allows you to move mountains. My mountains were formed from deep insecurity. Now, as the scale is moving, the mountains are moving. And this is nothing short of miraculous. I have a weight issue, but I have a bigger heart issue.

So I hadn't seen this friend in years. And the last time we saw each other was really painful for me. Was  it dumb for me to agree to see her? What if we had nothing to talk about? What if that old insecurity came back and I took an emotional trip right back to the dark place that I used to be in?

All of those big questions aren't as scary as this one: What if I just don't put myself out there?

I had a friend tell me once "I don't trust people. They just hurt you." Well, that's an option I guess. But that also means you are robbing people of the chance to truly know you and be known by people that WANT to know you. Is that any way to live?

Ok, so I met my friend. And before you know it, the conversation was honest, full of forgiveness, and sweeter than I can explain. I lost interest in the past because I simply knew that both of us had grown in huge ways and were discovering that our own insecurities were the reasons we acted tough or distant or apathetic or absent.

What it made me realize is this: the very insecurity that might keep me from a great friendship is the very same insecurity that might keep someone else away from me. It just comes out in different ways for different people. And the more I chased this friend and tried to force a friendship in the past, the more it just didn't happen. And that was by design. My insecurity makes me rush, makes me think things that aren't true, makes me put unrealistic expectations on my friends. My insecurity ultimately leaves me alone.

But the irony of all of this - and this is what I learned from my friend - this same insecurity leaves all of us alone. Separated and afraid to admit what's really happening. Is it possible that someone else battles insecurity just as much as I do?

So, over a meal, we compared notes and we found similarities that are still freaking me out. I had no idea, and I will forever be grateful for how open and honest that conversation was. It was truly one of the only times that I know of that I felt like guards were down, hearts were open, and the past was forgiven.

I have no idea where this particular friendship will go, but I do know that there was a reason that it took us four years to get together. And it was worth the wait.

That was my thanksgiving. How was yours?

-Liz