Fear of Flying

Had a little reflection time this morning. I got back from my Thanksgiving trip to PA a few days ago. My head is spinning, still, about how different things have become.

For years, I have braved the highways and driven to PA. It's a long drive, but with any kind of holiday traffic, it's brutal. But I have never wanted to fly as an option because flying has always been...embarrassing. Is that the right word to use?

I have traveled a lot for my old job, and sometimes you just have to fly to get to certain places. But it's never been something I have wanted to do. In fact, if I am being honest, the discomfort and embarrassment of flying has kept me from adventure in a lot of ways.

This morning, I was remembering some hard memories about flying. One time, at the Chicago airport, one of the Southwest employees who was checking me in sort of looked me up and down and said "hey, just so you know, they might ask you to purchase an additional seat if the armrest doesn't come down all the way." I know that he was trying to be helpful and give me a heads up, but I was just SO embarrassed.

I had become one of those people that no one wants to sit next to on a plane. I remember being in the terminal, and wondering if people were looking at me and hoping they wouldn't have to sit next to me. I remember hoping that the seat belt would fit me.

I flew on a little puddle jumper plane once and those seats are TINY. I stuffed myself into the seat somehow,  but the seat belt just wasn't even close to coming around me. I tried to hide it from the stewardess but she knew. And without a word, she just came over and gave me this seatbelt extension thing, which is really like a double long seatbelt.

Embarrassing. More than embarrassing...humiliating. Like, the kind where you are fighting back hot tears from rolling down your face. Oof.

When I fly now, 85 pounds lighter, I can sit anywhere. I still find myself in these old habits I'm used to. I automatically put the armrest up, and I automatically take the seatbelt all the way out, and I automatically go into the window seat and never make eye contact because I don't want anyone to sit next to me.

But when I fly now, the armrest goes down. The tray table goes down and doesn't rest on my gut. The seatbelt has to be taken in, and people sit next to me. I can cross my legs, I can see the seat beneath me, and I am still so amazed. I still can't believe it. I still cry as soon as I buckle the seatbelt because I think about the girl that used to need a seatbelt extension. She was so embarrassed.

But now, she is so victorious. And you might sit next to her sooner than you think!

-Liz