Cracks in the foundation

I've been having a great few weeks. My eating has been on point, my work outs have been gettin' it, I'm back to losing weight and not going back and forth with the same 5 pounds.

Things are awesome!

Hold on, though. Can I be honest? Yesterday, my foundation got rocked. It was something small, that turned into something big, that eventually worked itself out. Except emotionally, it left me broken up.

Why so emotional? Because I was building my foundation on others, not on God. Let me explain.

My trainer told me that she couldn't train me anymore at the weekly time we always trained together and weighed in. No big deal, right? But this news put me into an emotional tailspin. For a second there, it looked like I was going to lose my weekly training sessions. We figured it out about an hour later. But what has stayed with me is this idea: "I can't do this without my trainer."

And that thought turned into this: "My trainer and those times with her are my foundation" which turned into "If  I lose her, I'm going to gain all my weight back."

So I have been sitting in these emotions for about 24 hours now. Where do these crazy thoughts come from? You see, I know the truth. I know that Jesus is my firm foundation. I know that the reason I am losing weight is to be the best version of me that I can be. I know that this is about pleasing God, and not other people. I know that I am worth it. I know that I can do it. I know that I am not defined by a number on scale.

But then again, I don't know it.

This situation last night has put some cracks in my foundation. Here I am, 18 months and 85 pounds into this, and I still feel like the fat girl that avoids rejection by being funny and loud and crazy. So when I had that momentary rejection last night, from someone that I have needed in this process with me, I went right back into that place in my head. Those lies. I have always, ALWAYS, been the biggest. In my class, in my family, in my group of friends, everywhere. It is harder than I thought to lose that persona, mentality.

How is it possible to know the truth and not believe it? How do I retrain my brain to think like the healthy person I have become?

On Christ, the solid rock, I stand. All other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand.

Lord, help me to believe that.

-Liz